Need support and advice Conflicting Sexual Repulsion

ConfusedDuck said:

How exactly do you avoid it when it persists for days or even weeks? Just having the feeling is bassically torture, and the whole time I know if I do the act it will go away.

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honestly I struggled for a very long time with it, similar kind of thing I guess. seemed like no matter it would keep randomly coming back very strong. even if I thought I was done with it all.
everything that did help even if it was gradual was trauma and guilt related though. it started bugging me less after I started to acknowledge it as not my fault I think? I confided in a very close friend about some things, was maybe your age. not sure in how much detail but it was around becoming sexualised very young iirc, and at that point I was kind of starting to get to a tipping point where I didnt completely hate myself or feel it was my fault entirely. so incidents happened less frequently after that wasnt so trapped inside me, but still happened which I found endlessly upsetting/frustrating. trauma-related secrets erode at people in many different ways.

urm. practically speaking, becoming less sedentary. since a kid I was always understimulated and that made this stuff worse when I became a shut in basically. our minds and bodies need to be stimulated by something. Ive never worked out becaue Im scared of the gym but I try to move (mainly walk a lot)
also kind of a catch 22 but hyperfocussing on it also made it worse for me.
It also just became less severe over time, not giving up on myself and developing not hating myself helped while that was slowly developing, even if it was still an issue as I got older. definitely got less over time. libido and stuff is not fixed and is inherently stronger when you're a teen and developing sexually.

ConfusedDuck said:

It's alright if you can't talk about it, but may I ask how you did survive this? Did you skip it?

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honestly I cannot remember a lot of my life, I definitely skipped once or twice when I was maybe 14ish and my school needed consent forms for some reason (dont agree with), but I cant remember anything else. it would be good for you to find grounding strategies that work for you though, any kind of toolkit for that. it wont be perfect and it takes practice for them to do things, but will be useful just in general. avoidance only does so much in the end, its natural but after a while keeps us stuck instead of helping us. I 100% get the urge to skip but wouldnt recommend it.
sorry I cant uggest anything very helpful.
I also started writing about the trauma related stuff going on in my head. and at one point decided to start using the actual words for things instead of skirting around them. at first I really hated it but my reasoning was that if Im gonna have therapy one day I need to be able to say it properly. definitely had an exposure therapy kind of effect and I got a lot more tolerant to sex related terms over time. so I was not feeling unwell/dissociating as much at the terms/topics. some I still find difficult but definitely less than before and I dont feel good but am not completely shut off in therapy if its mentioned. also has made navigating xyz trauma stuff easier because I can actually write it down and am fretting less about expressing it, ontop of the actual trauma which is inherently not fun to put into words or focus on. idk if any of that makes sense.

ConfusedDuck said:

I do hate my body :/.

How did you get rid of this urge, did it naturally go away from trauma? I legitimately want a chemical castration.

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I get it, I used to hate mine so much for most of my life. now Im pretty neutral but yeah, have for a long time ideated heavily being castrated, or just everything gone I didnt care. and even tried to attempt it a couple years ago but thankfully I didnt get anywhere. but it was very distressing feeling so out of control with it and completely not at home in my body. I thought Id never feel safe/happy unless I was nullified or something.
in my case... in the end it turns out Im more traumatised than I was ever going to admit before, have DID, and it was heavily linked to self punishment/hatred. I think the feelings behind it can apply to anyone, with or without the disorder. once the part of me most dedicated to punishing myself healed enough, I have not had crazy strong egodystonic urges. which idk entirely how it works but thats how it worked for me.


you're only 16 this absolutely does not have to end in anything medical. the ammounts things can change and in unexpected ways cannot be stressed enough. I honestly haven't really had very much sex conversations in therapy yet, especially not personally/deeply, I used to have absolutely no tolerance for it at all until relatively recently where it can sometimes be okay to also talk about it depending on the conversation. it's much eister either way. some stuff is also still triggering but things have nonetheless actually gotten better. Im not miles older than you either.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

also kind of a catch 22 but hyperfocussing on it also made it worse for me.

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This. I've tried to stop focusing on it so much but that causes me to focus on it.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

you're only 16 this absolutely does not have to end in anything medical. the ammounts things can change and in unexpected ways cannot be stressed enough. I honestly haven't really had very much sex conversations in therapy yet, especially not personally/deeply, I used to have absolutely no tolerance for it at all until relatively recently where it can sometimes be okay to also talk about it depending on the conversation. it's much eister either way. some stuff is also still triggering but things have nonetheless actually gotten better. Im not miles older than you either.

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I can talk about it until its about doing stuff personally because then it's about me going through it.

I'm really worried all the time because there's the thought of "I'll figure it out eventually and get through it", but that's followed by "I need it gone NOW. Why the f*ck should I have to go back to that even if just a few more times?!?"

I would love medical intervention because then it isn't an extremely annoying feeling that I simply let pass, it's nothing at all.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I also started writing about the trauma related stuff going on in my head. and at one point decided to start using the actual words for things instead of skirting around them. at first I really hated it but my reasoning was that if Im gonna have therapy one day I need to be able to say it properly.

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I do that. I write all the time and my main topic has been this.

ConfusedDuck said:

I pushed my libido all the way to popping up once a month. I'd feel so free, but then an intense sexual "joke" said by someone near me, a scene framed as comedy where men are victims of assault or rape, something else, or seemingly nothing at all would pop up. I'd go into panic mode for a few days. Instead of killing my libido, it f*cking aroused me . My body just straight up had the opposite reaction it should have. Suddenly, I'd be convinced that it really wasnt that bad and that I should get over my trauma, and I'd act.

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I can somewhat understand your situation, I’ve been there. One thing which helped me is understanding why would my body react in a way that seems counterintuitive and a way which would trigger and invalidate me. Understanding how normal it is was key, because your brain is literally getting rewired during SA, it’s getting confusing signals, genital stimulation and a complete violation of autonomy and safety, all of a sudden the two feelings become linked. That is not conflicting, it’s how most people who have been through SA react. I would recommend you research why and how that happens. I have often times masturbated to my traumas, and then had a breakdown after (or during it). But regardless of the repulsion to sex while also getting aroused while triggered being normal, you get to choose what you want to do with your own body, if you want to abstain from masturbation and sex so be it, it’s your choice at the end of the day. One thing I will say is that trying to convince yourself the urges aren’t there will not make them go away unfortunately, whether you act on them or not is a different story. Also these scenarios you were playing in your head that led to you avoiding therapy are your brain’s way of dealing with emotional or physical danger, I do that a lot as well. Do know that a good therapist would never push you to learn how to masturbate, if anyone says something like that you can walk out of that office and never go back. At the age you’re at it’s also hard to have good coping skills, so don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ve been through a lot and you don’t have all the tools to deal with it.