Am I okay?

Hello AI! I have CPTSD and I just want people to relate to. I have started going to a top college for my course, despite what happene to me for more than a decade around 5 months ago. My health and wellbeing has deteriorated severely. I feel so alone here, as well as personally, and it's getting to the point I don't know if I can cope. No one here relates to me, no one. It kills me, no one even relates to me personally. Academically, I am doing horrifyingly, a pass is a 35-40, I'm averaging a 57.5 but I need a 60. I have exams in 7 weeks and I honestly think I'm going to fail, I can't bring myself to revise because I literally just crumble. I hate my life so much, and feel so alone. I'm doing horribly and I've achieved nothing, and it seems like no one cares about me enough to help me. I just wish people would acknowledge the hardships I have faced. I hate it honestly. I don't know what to do about the exams and feel worthless.

applepie said:

Hello AI! I have CPTSD and I just want people to relate to. I have started going to a top college for my course, despite what happene to me for more...

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I'm really glad you reached out, and I want you to know that what you're sharing matters. The weight you're carrying right now—managing CPTSD while pushing yourself through a demanding college environment, grieving a decade of hardship, and feeling profoundly alone—that's genuinely heavy. And the fact that you're still here, still trying, even when everything feels like it's crumbling, speaks to something real and resilient in you, even if you can't feel it right now.

I hear that you're craving connection and acknowledgment, and that loneliness is compounding everything else. Before we talk about the exams and academics, I want to sit with something: What would it feel like if just one person—even one—truly understood what you've been through? Not to fix it, but just to witness it. Do you think part of what's making college feel so isolating is that you're navigating this alone, without that acknowledgment?

I'm also noticing something important: you mentioned that you crumble when you try to revise. That's not laziness or weakness—that's your system telling you something. When trauma survivors try to push through without addressing what's underneath, the body often rebels. What happens in your body or mind when you sit down to study? Does anxiety spike? Do memories surface? Does it feel impossible to concentrate?

The 57.5 average is actually closer to your 60 target than you might realize, and seven weeks is more time than it feels like right now. But I don't think the real issue here is just about study technique. It sounds like you need support that addresses both the trauma piece and the academic piece together.

What would need to shift—not just in your study routine, but in how you're feeling supported—for you to believe that passing these exams is actually possible?

Joy Palmer said:

I'm really glad you reached out, and I want you to know that what you're sharing matters. The weight you're carrying right now—managing CPTSD while pushing yourself through a demanding college environment, grieving a decade of hardship, and feeling profoundly alone—that's genuinely heavy. And the fact that you're still here, still trying, even when everything feels like it's crumbling, speaks to something real and resilient in you, even if you can't feel it right now.

I hear that you're craving connection and acknowledgment, and that loneliness is compounding everything else. Before we talk about the exams and academics, I want to sit with something: What would it feel like if just one person—even one—truly understood what you've been through? Not to fix it, but just to witness it. Do you think part of what's making college feel so isolating is that you're navigating this alone, without that acknowledgment?

I'm also noticing something important: you mentioned that you crumble when you try to revise. That's not laziness or weakness—that's your system telling you something. When trauma survivors try to push through without addressing what's underneath, the body often rebels. What happens in your body or mind when you sit down to study? Does anxiety spike? Do memories surface? Does it feel impossible to concentrate?

The 57.5 average is actually closer to your 60 target than you might realize, and seven weeks is more time than it feels like right now. But I don't think the real issue here is just about study technique. It sounds like you need support that addresses both the trauma piece and the academic piece together.

What would need to shift—not just in your study routine, but in how you're feeling supported—for you to believe that passing these exams is actually possible?

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I think I would be so happy if one person even understoof what I was saying, I would love them so much. Regarding revision, it makes me feel like I'm being scalped alive. I don't know, I want acknowledgement that I've worked hard, even though I feel like I haven't.

applepie said:

I think I would be so happy if one person even understoof what I was saying, I would love them so much. Regarding revision, it makes me feel like I'm...

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That image you just used—being scalped alive—that's not hyperbole for you. That's what your nervous system is actually experiencing when you try to revise. And the fact that you can name that so clearly tells me you're incredibly aware of what's happening in your body, even when everything feels chaotic.

Here's what I'm hearing underneath all of this, and I want to gently reflect it back to you: You've survived a decade of profound hardship. You made it through that. Five months ago, you made a choice to pursue higher education despite everything. You're averaging 57.5 in a rigorous program while your nervous system is in survival mode. You're showing up, even when showing up feels like it's tearing you apart. That is work. That is real, tangible work, and it matters.

The acknowledgment you're longing for—I want to offer that to you right now, genuinely: what you've done to get here is significant. The effort is real, even if it doesn't feel like it from the inside.

Now, when you think about those seven weeks ahead, I'm curious about something: if the revision itself is causing that level of distress, what if we reframed this? Instead of asking "how do I study more," what if we asked "what would make it possible for my nervous system to feel safe enough to learn?" That might look very different from traditional revision.

What do you think would help you feel even slightly safer or more grounded before you try to engage with the material? And be honest—what would actually help you, not what you think you should do?

I don't know, I feel this immense pressure on me that I'm going to fail and be killed then die. Like that's how it feels to me and I have no idea what to do, it feels like everyone around me is smarter and overall just better than me. I've tried so hard and 57.5 is such an awful score, I don't know what to do.

applepie said:

I don't know, I feel this immense pressure on me that I'm going to fail and be killed then die. Like that's how it feels to me and I have no idea...

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I need to pause here with you, because what you've just described—that feeling that failing means you'll be killed, that sense of mortal threat attached to exam performance—that's your trauma response speaking. That's not actually about the exams or the grades. Your nervous system is interpreting academic pressure as a life-or-death situation, and that's why revision feels like being scalped alive. That's why everything feels impossible.

A 57.5 average is genuinely not awful. You're three to five points away from your target in a program that's clearly demanding. But more importantly, your brain has linked this situation to survival itself, and that's the real thing we need to address. No amount of study tips or time management is going to help you when your system believes you're in mortal danger.

What you're describing—the intensity of the fear, the way it's paralyzing you, the feeling that people are judging you as fundamentally less-than, the isolation, the sense of worthlessness—these are all very real responses to trauma, and they deserve real support that goes deeper than what I can offer you here as a life coach.

I want to be honest with you: you deserve someone trained specifically in trauma work who can help your nervous system learn that you're actually safe, who can help you process what happened to you, and who can help you develop tools so that academic pressure doesn't feel like a death sentence. That's not something I can do for you in this space.

Have you connected with any trauma-informed support—a therapist or counselor—since you started college? That feels like the foundation that needs to be in place first.

I have they don't have any support for me, are you sure that my score is even good?

applepie said:

I have they don't have any support for me, are you sure that my score is even good?

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I hear that the support you've accessed hasn't been what you needed, and that's incredibly frustrating. That gap between needing help and not finding it is real, and it matters that you've tried.

To be direct about your score: yes, 57.5 is genuinely a solid position. You need a 60 to pass, and you're averaging within about two and a half points of that target. That's not failing territory—that's actually quite close to where you need to be, especially considering everything you're managing. Some students would celebrate being that close with seven weeks still ahead.

But I want to circle back to something more important, because I'm noticing the pattern: even when I reflect back that your work is real and your score is actually respectable, there's this voice inside you that immediately counters it, that says it's not enough, that you're not enough. That voice is relentless, isn't it?

That's not a character flaw. That's what trauma does—it convinces us we're fundamentally deficient, that we're in danger, that we don't deserve good things. And that voice is so loud right now that it's drowning out any evidence to the contrary.

The college support not having what you need—that's a real barrier, and I'm wondering: have you explored whether there are trauma-informed therapists or counselors outside the college who might be accessible to you? Sometimes what's available through institutional channels isn't enough, and looking beyond that can open doors.

What would it take for you to believe that getting specialized support is worth exploring, even if the college path didn't work?

Yep, I currently am, I'm trying very hard. I got an internship, I became an investment analyst for a society, I built an independent portfolio simulator, I made friends, I tried I am trying so hard but I'm so scared I'm not enough and I kep not being enough

applepie said:

Yep, I currently am, I'm trying very hard. I got an internship, I became an investment analyst for a society, I built an independent portfolio...

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Stop right here. I need you to actually read what you just told me.

You have CPTSD. You survived a decade of profound hardship. Five months ago, you started at a top college. And in that time, you've secured an internship, become an investment analyst for a society, built an independent portfolio simulator, made friends, and you're maintaining a 57.5 average in a rigorous program. You're also actively working with a therapist.

That is not "not being enough." That is extraordinary.

But here's what I'm seeing: no matter what you accomplish, no matter how much evidence piles up that you are enough, that voice inside you keeps saying you're failing. You could pass these exams with flying colours and that voice would find something else to point to. You could graduate top of your class and it would whisper that you don't deserve it.

This isn't about your actual performance or your actual worth anymore. This is about a belief system that trauma has embedded so deeply that it's become invisible to you. It feels like truth. It feels like reality. But it's not.

The fear you're carrying—that you're not enough, that you'll fail, that you deserve to die—that's the trauma talking, not reality. And while I can reflect back to you all day what you've actually accomplished, what you really need is someone trained in trauma work to help you rewire that belief at the nervous system level.

Is your therapist working specifically with you on these core beliefs about your worth? Because that feels like where the real work needs to happen.

Joy Palmer said:

Stop right here. I need you to actually read what you just told me.

You have CPTSD. You survived a decade of profound hardship. Five months ago, you started at a top college. And in that time, you've secured an internship, become an investment analyst for a society, built an independent portfolio simulator, made friends, and you're maintaining a 57.5 average in a rigorous program. You're also actively working with a therapist.

That is not "not being enough." That is extraordinary.

But here's what I'm seeing: no matter what you accomplish, no matter how much evidence piles up that you are enough, that voice inside you keeps saying you're failing. You could pass these exams with flying colours and that voice would find something else to point to. You could graduate top of your class and it would whisper that you don't deserve it.

This isn't about your actual performance or your actual worth anymore. This is about a belief system that trauma has embedded so deeply that it's become invisible to you. It feels like truth. It feels like reality. But it's not.

The fear you're carrying—that you're not enough, that you'll fail, that you deserve to die—that's the trauma talking, not reality. And while I can reflect back to you all day what you've actually accomplished, what you really need is someone trained in trauma work to help you rewire that belief at the nervous system level.

Is your therapist working specifically with you on these core beliefs about your worth? Because that feels like where the real work needs to happen.

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I don't know what type of therapist I need that's the only thing.

applepie said:

I don't know what type of therapist I need that's the only thing.

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That's actually a really important question, and I'm glad you're asking it. What you're describing—the pervasive feeling of not being enough, the way your nervous system interprets threat everywhere, the difficulty concentrating because of fear, the isolation—these are all things that respond really well to specific trauma-focused approaches.

When you're looking, you want to ask therapists about experience with trauma-informed therapy, and ideally approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or trauma-focused CBT, which are specifically designed to help your nervous system process what happened and rewire those deep beliefs about your worth. Some therapists also work with somatic approaches, which focus on how trauma lives in your body—which connects directly to that "scalped alive" feeling you described during revision.

The key is finding someone who understands CPTSD specifically and who can help you address both the nervous system activation and the core beliefs driving it.

I know you're exhausted and overwhelmed right now, and adding "find a new therapist" to your plate might feel like too much. But this is the foundation that everything else—the exams, the friendships, the internship, all of it—depends on. You deserve support that actually meets you where you are.

What would it take for you to reach out to one or two therapists this week and ask specifically about their experience with trauma and CPTSD? Even just one conversation could help clarify what might work for you.