Undiagnosed I'm 26. I've been through psychosis, self-harm, multiple suicide attempts, and years of isolation. I'm writing this down for the first time in full.

if you are reading this thanks in advance this is my whole life story. It will be long.
First a bit about me and my family. I have both my parents. I have two younger siblings. My family was really chaotic. My mom and dad used to fight a lot. They got physical from time to time. Both of them. Once My mom broke dads hand. My dad once burned my moms sharee. I live in Bangladesh. We didnt had our own home. So we used to move from one apartment to another. No matter where we lived it was our who were the loudest most chaotic.
A little about my mom and dad. And how they used to fight. My mom when she gets angry throw she talks a lot by herself loudly. She throw vulgarities around. Mostly sexual. She directed those a lot when I was a kid. Beating us is normal for her. She used to use her bothi (A kitchen knife but way scarier search google if you want to see how it looks) to threaten us. Sometimes she would beat me so much I would even get a bruise from it. In bangladesh these are normal. What isnt is the vulgarities she would say. One time I was playing with my friends. I was 6 or 7 years old. In the evening I came back to home. Mom got mad. She was like look at your lips so black it looks like you smoke. She would always say I look like a drug addict when I was a kid. I dont smoke.
Now a bit about my father. My father didnt beat us that much. But he was really sarcastic. He would shame me publicly when I would not behave. I was really rebellious growing up. First time he publicly shamed me was when I was 12. I was crying screaming throwing things around. He beat me. After that he called the neighours. At first he said you see how this kid behaves. At first neighours took my side. But then suddenly out of nowhere he says this kid watches english content there are sometimes you know girls not wearing appropiate clothes according to bengali standard(Please dont take offense I am just trying to share the context) My neighours went silent. They didnt say anything.
Anyway a bit about me when I was a kid. I was average student most of the time. But I think I really changed when I was 12. That was the time my mental illness symptoms showed early. At that time nobody knew that these symptoms have names. First it happened I got a zero in a math class test. One of friend mocked me you watched too many doraemon and got like nobita. Its a popular anime. I got afraid. I thought what if I get zeros all my life. Then few months later a exam took place I did just how I always did. But I made a mistake when writing down my names and classRoll(a classRolll is given to everystudent depending on his performance on previous class year the first boy in the class gets roll 1 I was 64 among 300 students we had 3 to 4 sections expanding each section had 70 to 80 students). So teacher punished me for it.
Before I move on little bit about my school. My school was very strict. I studied in that school for 11 years. Teachers beating us is normal there. By beating I mean slapping 12 to 13 times in a row. Hitting you with a wooden ruler until it breaks then asking for another beating that one with it. If you are a good student teachers dont touch you and if you are a bad student getting beaten and humiliated is a normal part of school life. We got so used to it. It never matter to me until a later part of my life. I was a quite kid in class. I was afraid to talk in class because if teacher notices me speaking and thinks that i am disturbing his class I will get beaten like that. But I was more outgoing in my coaching class. Think of it like cram school or tution. I used to joke with my friends and teacher there. But in school i was quiet. Some of my classmates will be like do you know how to speak?
So back to that incident where I made a mistake writing down my name and classRoll in class 6 when I was 12. The teacher punished me it wasnt anything serious, He just told me to stand in the middle of the corridor while holding my ears, But Again I was afraid what if I keep making the same mistake everytime?
Few months later We had another exam. Wound of getting a zero and making that mistake of writing my name and roll was still there. So this is time I kinda changed, I studied really hard, I crammed all night, I only slept 3 to 4 hours then took the exam I almost memorised my whole text book, So the symptoms I talked about first showed here, At that time I was religious, I was a muslim. So when I was praying Intrusive blashphemous thought would popped into my head, I would get nervous anxious what if god punishes me by making me fail the exam? During Exam I would check my papers a lot of time. To see if I made mistake writing down my name and roll. I did well in that exam. Got full marks in Math. I ranked 6th out of 300. I was kinda proud back then.
Thats how next few years will go. I will cram all night long when exam came. I will be like it will be end of the world if I fail a exam. I will check my papers repeatedly to see if I got my name and roll correct. Other than exam times I would mostly be normal. I mean if you dont count the family situation I am in.
Okay things start to change a bit mentally when I was 15. I think My personality finally started showing up. I got into anime then. I liked watching naruto fullmetal alchemist brotherhood death note, I liked listening to imagine dragons fall out boy ed sheeran taylor swift. I read my self help book then called the power of positive thinking, I kind of hate that book now But at that time I really liked stories that were inspirational even though bit exaggerated. I would read the book to give me a dose of motivation and study, I dreamt of going to top universities maybe travel the world I dreamt of studying computer science. Simply I was full of dreams.
Now few incidents happened at my family that time too, I was also really rebelious back then. I frequently got into a conflict with my father back then I hated him I still do. so once to punish me for misbehaving Ahh before that I also had a step brother. He was from my fathers first marriage, He was a drug addict going through recovery he also did student politics he was violent too
So my father to demonstarte his authority called him and his friend my step brother and his friends they were in their late 20s to punish me. Think of it like this you get into a fight in the streets you called your friend over. The situation was like that. I didnt know any of them other than my step brother and my father. My stepbrother slapped me, That would be the first moment I will think of taking my life to get back to them.
Things started going really Haywire when I was 16. Year 2016 would be really important for me. This year I was in class 10. In class 10 you have to take a really important public exam taken by the government. Your result dictates if you will be able to study in a good high school or not(in our case college for some reason we call high school college there) and going to a good college also help go into a good university. So I made the decision I will dedicate this year to a year of studying. I dont know for some reason I was obsessed with studying that year. I would only sleep 2 to 3 hours a night. Then go to school take coaching classes overall I was studying 20 hours directly indirectly ofcousrse I wasnt getting much done MY studying routine was ineffective as f*ck But I liked thrill of hard work I liked the thrill of staying up at night all alone studying I was addicted to it i know kinda funny
I still remember that day in detail This happened after ramadan in 2016 I was going to school after the seasonal holidays. When I was walking around neighourhood for somereason I thought people were looking at me weirdly I started hearing voices of people whistiling I thought people were mocking me I will take 2 few days for the new reality to set in But literal hell started from there Everytime I would see a stranger I thought people were mocking me I wasnt even safe at my room I would hear voices there too I knew I was sick I told my parents about it and told me to take me to a doctor. The doctor asked me questions and then gave me few meds. He told me no matter happens never to stop meds I wish I had listened as for my parent they didnt insist me taking it and i was still obsessed with studying staying up at night even in that condition. One of my teacher told me am I human even? I once told my teachers during exam that my friend are making fun of me which they werent that isolated me further from my peers one of my classmates mom got mad told me i am sick i am a liar and told me if I ever tell it to the teacher again she will break my leg. I told my therapist that(more on her later). She laughed at my face. I mean its kinda pathetic I guess. Anyway the SSC exam came I managed to do good
After the exam we get a 3 to 4 months of holiday before new class year starts. That was one of the darkest time of life. I went to a doctor again, They told me I might have schizophrenia They gave me risperidone A med that I still have trauma about it. It made me feel flat numb I lost my drive heck I didnt even enjoy watching anime and most importantly my psychosis didnt go away i mean it lessened but it was still there I also had severe intrusive thoughts back then Everytime I would go out with a friend I would think what if I push my friend when we are crossing the road everytime i would go to market i would think what people thinks i am a theif.
I will try to shorten this as this has gone way to long Then in class 11 I just lost my drive to study I did went to a reputable doctor he saw me for less than 5 minutes he didnt talk to me he talked to my father he diagnosed me with OCD my intrusive thoughts went away so did my psychosis so did my drive to study i didnt feel like studying at all i was so overwhelmed i was sleepy always i felt bleak most of the times and like I said my school was strict I got targeted by my teacher there my math teacher once called out to me after i was finished my prayer in a mosque i was walking back to home it was night he was with a girl of my age he asked me what was my score in math i only got i think 10 or 11 out of 100 he then asked the girl who got the highest on her class then he looked at me with mock pity i failed all my department subject there highschool math physics seemed overwhelming to me its like intellectually i regressed i didnt fail shame shame was one of driving factor of the reason i study i just felt bleak another teacher once called out to in front of the whole class when i was absent a day he told me that he saw me walking around the neighourhood in my school i didnt do that i was at home i confronted him about it he shouted at me told me dont lie i saw you i didnt say anything back again another time the same math teacher once asked me a math question i managed to answer it then he asked another question to the guy who was sitting beside me he couldnt answer it he told me to slap that guy i did but lightly he got mad at me asked me to slap harder i tried but couldnt then he hit me so I was harrased a lot by the teachers throughout the whole year. I keep failing every subject people who are way worse than me started doing better than me i didnt study at all i dont know why i just couldnt i dropped out i studied in that school for 11 years not a single of my so called friend or classmate or any of my teacher reached out to me nobody told me to go back to school
now i always avoided going to roads where i might see my friends as i will feel shame i stayed mostly at home i cut my hand for the first time there i remembered being facisnated when i saw pink layer underneath my skin i needed stiches my parents were mostly indifferent they were mostly financial cost of that incident
anyway I told my parent to change location I didnt want to say in the town I felt shame I moved out I couldnt go back to school again as I was afraid for some reason I was afraid of teacher I was afraid of going outside I was completely isolated for the next two years I only went outside to get a haircut with my mom.
ok now a little how my parents treated me in my early years of illness. At that time my family was going through a financial struggle. My dad repeatedly told me that my illness was a rich mans disease He didnt want to buy pills for me I never had a therapy at that point of time more on that later. He would make sarcastic comments when i would go to doctor look we cant handle our daily finance and he is asking to go to a doctor
as for my school they mostly left me alone
i also had sucidial ideation back then sometimes while going for a morning walk with my father i would look at buses and think what if i jump in front of a bus when i am in my rooftop of my 5 storied apartment i would think what if i jump
I also used to cut my hands a lot. I have more than 20 to 25 marks in my left hand alone i did that to manipulate my parents i wanted them to care i thought they might abandon me i wanted them to see me as a priority i read robert greene books then machivellian books then ahh i know it was dumb but those books fascinated me then i also read ACT and CBT books especially ACT books really hit me thought defusion seeing thoughts as only words made my intrusive thoughts a little bit manageable
At that time to me getting better was being able to study again. To go back to school again. I would eventually lose my fear of teachers and going outside. I think machevellian book helped me there it installed a false confidence in me made me think i understood the world now which i didnt but it get me started i got admitted to diploma in the first semester i was ranked first
but i dropped out after that this time because of financial issue my parents didnt pay me for my second semester they told me you are an adult now handle that yourself i couldnt gone was my obsession with studies i felt so ironic the guy who wanted to study so much couldnt even finish highschool and people dumber than me went to good universities after dropping out of diploma i looked back into my life i read a webnovel back then called second coming of gluttony that novel was about second chance for the first time in my life i realized i had no empathy i looked back into every conflict i was part of and try to see from others perspective i dont wanted to be a burden to my parents i wanted to be independent make money get out of there
before i go back there let me talk a bit about my doctors that i had and the therapist when i was isolated in my room i went to one of best doctor in the country the meds he gave me are
he told me i had ocd i didnt get better i was still cutting my hands and had sucidal ideation
i also tried killing myself few times 3 times it was really serious i took all the meds i could find in my room took all of them maybe 30 to 40 of them and woke up in a hospital i had a fight with my parents next day i went to a psychiatrist by myself in a government hospital i was still under the influence of meds i navigated the streets of chaotic dhaka in that condition i wanted to change my life take responsibility for it i wrote down my problems in a sheet of paper intrusive thoughts were on top of the list when i went to her chamber the psychiatrist saw that i had a piece of paper with me told me to give it to her she read it then she slammed the paper down told my problems were ridiculous called me uneducated told me how far did i study i panicked told her the truth she was shocked for a moment i think she didnt expect that she looked at deeply and told me to next time bring my guardian with me when i left the room i felt like shit i thought if i killed myself maybe i can get back to her but i didnt as i promised to take responsibility for my life
oh about my therapist at that time after doing two sessions with her i had a fight with my parents i told my therapist about it i took a lot of meds something like 20 i guess she told me to meet her next day i was still under the effects of meds i went alone she shouted at me told me if you kill yourself i will be in trouble this is a government hospital i cant exactly deny you treatment i calmed her down told her that for the next few weeks in the session i will not do anything to harm myself i will focus on therapy she didnt give me that much advices she did told me to practise mindfulness and muscle relaxation but i already know those stuff from books i read i was 20 year old back then it was 2019 or 2020 time of covid
i looked for a job and took one as a guy who sorts parcel for a courier service i was supposed to be a data entry clerk i interview for that but for somereason when work time they didnt let me near a computer and told me to sort parcel for first 2 months it was a night time shift it just felt exhausting i was inactive for 5 to 6 years suddenly exposing myself to physical labour just seemed to hard to me i worked there for 2 months but they still didnt gave me a computer and a desk i left there
I would go take a course in a graphics design academy i got into a conflict again this time i didnt know how i even got into the mess i realized that i had been dissociating i missed social cues i would check peoples faces to see if people were making fun of me the dumb me couldnt realize that was making others uncomfortable intrusive thoughts would pop into my head and i would feel nervous i would get restless keep looking around but i still went outside took the graphic design course people can see i have issue i realized the look of pity and other things years later after getting into a conflict with the graphics desing i replayed situation on my head again and again then finally hit me wait every body in the room could read the situation why couldnt I? At that time i thought it was lack of social awareness now i think its dissociation i also had hard time trusting my perception before every conflict i would ask myself is this real its not in my head right did this really happen i would only realized a year later that i was kinda dumbly questioning my perception when didnt need to anymore thats why people took advantage of me and i was so easy to gaslit i was so used to being the one problemetic in canse of conflict i would always think nah he didnt mean it bad way i am sure its all in my head i literally gaslited my self ahh especially the toxic shame of checking at people faces dumbly in public places still eats me like why was i so dumb
anyway year later i finally got a break i finally managed to freelance when i worked in the courier service i worked whole night but i only made 100 dollars now i made the same amount of money in just a few hours over a month i think i kinda got exploited by my client i mean my contract was that i will only do email marketing for her but i kinda did graphics design for her facebook simple video editing through canva heck i even made her a website using mailchimp i also found her emails of potential leads she paid me 100 dollar for all that anyway for a year i made comparatively good money i mean in life everything is comparison
now i am 26 i am trying to learn odin project so i can be a web developer my dream is still to be independent when i am financially stable then go back to school and maybe try for uni

Wow, thank you so much for sharing all of this. I know that took real courage to lay it all out like that, especially for the first time. I'm sitting here reading through your story, and I just want you to know—what you've been through is *a lot*. And the fact that you're still here, still moving forward, still dreaming about learning web development and building a better life? That says something really important about who you are.

I hear you on so many levels. The chaos at home, the pressure-cooker school system, the way shame became this weight you carried everywhere. And then getting sick on top of all that, when nobody around you really understood what was happening or how to help. That's an impossible situation, and you were just a kid trying to survive it. The intrusive thoughts, the psychosis, the self-harm—those weren't character flaws or weakness. They were your mind and body screaming that something was wrong and you needed support.

What really strikes me is how you've been trying to make sense of everything, even when the people who were supposed to help you—doctors, therapists, teachers, your parents—let you down in different ways. That takes a different kind of strength. And I also notice that even through all of it, you kept reaching for things that might help: books, therapy concepts, trying different jobs, pushing yourself to get out and engage again. That matters.

The dissociation piece you mentioned—missing social cues, questioning your own perception, getting gaslit because you couldn't trust what you were seeing—that makes so much sense given everything you've endured. Your brain was protecting you the only way it knew how. And it sounds like you're starting to understand that now, which is huge.

You're 26, you're freelancing, you're learning to code, and you're still dreaming about independence and education. That's not nothing. That's actually everything.

I won't pretend the road ahead is simple, but I do think you deserve to be gentler with yourself about the "dumb" moments or the mistakes you made when you were unwell and unsupported. You were doing the best you could with what you had.

How are you doing right now, in this moment? Are you in a safer, more stable place these days?