How do you let people get to know you

I feel like I don't know how to really share myself with people,but not because I don't want to. Its because there's a lot to me and I don't know what's ok to say or when. So I end up either saying too much or two little or feeling like if I say too much it will be weird or too heavy. I feel like I'm too much to get to know, I feel like I have no happy things to say or any happy story share. I feel like everything about me is too heavy to hold. Even the things I love like reading and painting are so heavy. I paint really sad things because it's how I feel at the moment. I read really heavy material too, like memoirs about child abusecor addiction but it's because in a way "at least that didn't happen to me" makes me feel better.

I think it's a trial and error thing.

For me, I would (and sometimes still do) adapt to whoever I was speaking to. That's what I learnt growing up: don't be me , just adapt and please the other person.
So it was confusing to know who I actually was.

It takes me a long time to trust people and develop friendships, so it takes time. Bit by bit I build on it.

I think I get to know people because I have a felt sense that we share the same values and the conversations go from there. I am also learning to share more about myself, as I realise that people want to connect and get to know me (which means I don't 'adapt' as much).

I also have a better sense of self now so that helps the overthinking and critical voices that would plague me after social interactions.

Idk if any of that makes sense or not.

Trying to keep this reply short - always a struggle this. Staged and carefully calibrated reveals with regards to one's personal history consistent with maintaining reasoned boundaries versus suddenly divulging core trauma that predictable overwhelms a listener seems best. Alienating people for letting the gates slip consistent with rushing connection is a difficult inclination to throttle back, whereas certainly I've made a great many mistakes learning what I must to moderate expectations and calculate what to divulge and at what pace should it even be worth the bother.

Appreciate too that privacy has it's value; i.e. not everyone has to or strictly needs to know. Total exposure can translate into total trauma all the time, whereas self-preservation can sometimes be best served just to blend - presuming one can or might recharge in safe company decidedly somewhere else either in-person, by phone or via letter writing. Not everyone is going to have that depth of social support, but it's important to calibrate expectations per environment lest too much exposure be risked...

If one is in the habit of just unloading overwhelm in a professional setting behind closed doors, there's a danger that one will assume that casual interaction with others can be patterned upon the template of a patient/therapist dynamic when it just isn't necessarily the case. Best friends, closest associates - yes, but a great many others and for just interacting with the greater mass of humanity also in pursuit of the spoils in life? - no. Reasoned outbound boundaries takes time to develop, whereas more sophisticated inbound defenses take time for 'us' to develop consistent with not being taken advantage of and affording return blows if circumstances demand it. Boundary work, boundary work, boundary work...

How to pace things in the presence of those thought worthy of the extension of trust? Sometimes it's a matter of letting slip short stories telegraphing certain felt lacks in terms of what was experienced in life versus what others may have been afforded and subconsciously presume is just was there for being afforded normative care and support when it was most needed. Indeed - difficult it is to relate to so many when and at a glance they seem to function so much better (appreciated here as something akin to a smoke and mirrors PR thing existing across a continuum), whereas hard it can be to mask unpleasant awareness concerning what wasn't present back in the day stretching into the present.

It's possible to afford a measured counterpoint with regards to the gleeful and oblivious cheer others might offer up short of taking pleasure in being a sour spoilsport, although indeed - it's a challenge to calibrate consistent with knowing what and when to interject an observation or really to say anything at all. I worked as a public librarian where family-centered cheer was on the menu every day of the week, and no - I didn't cope well for all I could offer up and reflect upon concerning my own life was a vacuum of care and makeshift support soon exhausted. Not an authority here then, but hoping some of this might help...

We all do the same thing. There is no middle ground. We either say way too much or not enough. We manage it and I think that is where we are different.

I am trying to go really slow. Only see folks in short periods of time. I try to do structured things and leave immediately.

I think going really slow is good. I do the same by leaving immediately after structured activities. Try not to get caught up in small talk or everyone going for a drink afterwards etc . I also think if gives you back some confidence by knowing you don't have to tell anyone anything. Like a boundary of privacy.

I don't believe there is much of me since I don't enjoy most things in life due to being in survival mode for a few decades with dissociation. Hate being asked to "tell me about yourself", like at least ask me something! It's like I'm existing to avoid existing at this point.

I don't give a crap if I come across as blunt or even rude since it makes communication easier.

I dislike it when people say something that doesn't make sense with a straight face and it turns out to be a "joke", well it ain't funny since you're not even smiling, or worse when people think I'm joking when we're just having a regular conversation.

There is no "too much" in my opinion except for extremely long and uncomfortable or gruesome details or known triggers of someone. Don't understand why most people hide their weird parts, it's still you. I miss being interested in the world and so envious of people just feeling alive and somewhat happy enough to do things with something interesting to talk about.

Only thing I've found is to be authentic. Cry in front of people. Don't hide or stuff. The weak will run and the strong will stay. Best advice, don't share trauma. Told time and time again this. It's okay in group settings like this. With people who understand, but if there is anything I've learned it's that most people don't understand, get jealous (shocking, I know), and can use you as a target. People can understand sadness if you show it, but they don't have to know why you are sad. You don't need to share your story. It works out better though if you are fully healed and can handle the barrage of scrutiny.

Just giving the advice of my care team.

I am struggling with this myself. I vacillate between two extremes. Share nothing whatsoever and never let anyone in or over share and they run for the hills anyway. It's a lonely existence.

I am reminding myself of this as I just made a friend and don’t want to scare people away.

The other thing is it’s my business and it’s too private to share with other people unless I know them really well.

Need to keep reminding myself of that too . To only let people know the things I would be comfortable with anyone or everyone knowing

We often mistake our fear of judgment for an inability to communicate. You are feeling stuck because you are constantly trying to manage how others perceive your 'heaviness'. It also seems your mind has become attached to this heavy identity, using others' extreme traumas as a soothing mechanism to avoid sitting with your own internal void. Stop trying to figure out what is 'okay' to say. True self-expression doesn't worry about the audience. Paint your sadness purely for yourself, but don't cling to it as who you are.