Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Much caring littleoc
It's exceptionally painful comparing ourselves to others that didn't have the same difficulties innit. Thinking what might have been. I came across some saying one time, about comparison is the theft of joy. Adds up. Not easy to stop comparing though I know. Tis good if you can do it less. Hurts so much. I'm glad the Dr was kind. Very much understand not being able to trust it though too

Big hug. Rooting for you.
X

Thank you

I am very anxious today, to the point of being so afraid the future won't be good that I almost don't even want to try to keep going, and needed that. I am trying to take it day by day

My friend I made this summer had to return to Vietnam today, and I miss her already. She will be back next June for another three months (as long as a religious visa allows (she is a Buddhist nun, has been since she was 12 or maybe younger, and she is 50+ I believe)) so hopefully plans go well and I will see her again sometime

I need to start packing today but am so anxious. Not sure what I should save, or at least try to save. Already have my mom's storage unit that is packed full so will need to get another one, but going to wait a little and pack first. Don't know if SSI will kick back in while I'm not working while in the hospital unless I'm in the hospital for a long time, so a bit worried

Walking step by step with you @littledoodot

Or sitting with you @littleoc.

Understand feeling so anxious, that's a lot on your plate you're dealing with isn't it. A lot of unknowns, I'd defo be anxious and overwhelmed too.

Sometimes if I can manage it it helps to remind myself I don't have to everything in an instant, I can take it one step at a time. It's ever so hard to do though I know. Anxiety being the rotten beast it is it likes to list everything boof boof boof and you can't help but feel it's all too much innit.

Your friend sounds lovely

Hope things will work out for your SSI, is that a benefit payment?

It doesn't seem like I'll have anywhere private and safe to be

What’s happened @littleoc?

Oh, I'm sorry, nothing new. Just really processing how my private space in that shitty house is the last bit I have left. I had to really settle to get that much and now I won't have it. Will be going to mental hospital, then shared spaces. I think with trauma and autism I'm having trouble adjusting to the idea of this.

Also, need to rehome the bird I've had for 20 years. Really dreading that. Really happy I don't have to euthanize her but really dreading saying goodbye anyway.

My dad had the audacity to ask for her and claim he doesn't want her "leaving the family." But it made him stop his daily texts of trying to say I don't know what hoarding is. So glad to know he is aware that was inappropriate.

Also, I wanted to have been packing these past two weeks. Trying not to rely on my friend to help because (a) he's disabled and hasn't been showing up and (b) it's not his problem and (c) he's broken every plan for the last 5 years and blamed a lot of it on me, so I keep getting angry every time he cancels and I can't afford to waste energy being angry right now. Also at least ⅔ of the frustration isn't even on him. Or ½. I don't know and don't want to process that right now. I need to pack. May need to hire a different disability aid to get properly started, but prices are 40$/hr minimum for 3 hour minimum slots, so don't know if I can.

Just overwhelmed. Nothing new though tbh, sorry for that. Just so overwhelmed

Edit to add: friend is being supportive btw, just am frustrated overall at everything and don't want to rely on him anymore but can't seem to get it together

I am extremely grateful for how things have turned out. I feel like I need to keep saying this because my insane ex wanted me to suffer, lol. But also don't want to say I'm having an excellent time because my dad's family SHOULD feel the guilt they do for letting it play out this way for over 20 years. And that's way more important than some person from my past I don't even know. But it's making every post I write feel extremely odd