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I started a diary @Changing4Best and @Invisible Fire . Thank you for the encouragement.

Reading through it now. Great resource, thank you. I have a lot of work to do for school so I actually don't have too much free time. But these are great ideas of ways to fill the lows with more "grounded" experience than just staring into space. A lot of it is just learning to be comfortable...

It's been months since I posted this, but I still struggle with these thoughts every day. I'm owning the word abuse much more now, but I have so much self doubt and self hatred about these memories. Constantly running through my head: What if things didnt happen the way I remember them? What if...

Thank you for sharing. I am working on being kinder to myself because I struggle with a lot of self hatred and self deprecation. I know those thoughts are just what was fed to me as a kid but it's hard to break those patterns. Unfortunately due to COVID I am spending every day by myself at home...

Better than yesterday. I was pretty deep into a flashback for most of the day. Hopeful I can get some work done today and hold it together until my Therapy apt tonight. Thank you. I have little bits and pieces before. If I get the energy and courage I'll post some stories that have been coming...

No one can just sit with me in these feelings except my therapist. I already see her twice a week but I feel so alone in between. Even my partner just gets really overwhelmed hearing about my abuse. My life, my memories, they make people uncomfortable. I just want someone who listens without...

Hey, just wanted to follow up and say thank you for your thoughts. I started Lamictal, its going okay so far although I'm not done titrating yet. Feeling comfortable with my decision and hopeful. ❤

So I've been battling depression for a long time, but I've never taken any meds. Im been in trauma therapy, and its helping, but I'm still really struggling. My primary doctor was concerned about my depression scores and had me see a Psychiatrist. I've always been really, really skeptical about...

Honestly I think a lot of the reason this is hurting so bad is because I'm home alone all day every day since my husband is essential but I have to work from home. I dont have anyone in town that I can spend time with. So it's been a really really lonely and depressing few months. There is no...

I have in the past. Maybe I should try to send her a message saying so. She hasn't replied to me so far when I asked if she would be willing to talk, and it's been a few weeks.

I agree, being shut it has definitely made the depression worse and I've been trying to make myself a schedule to stay active - yoga, hiking when I can, work, cleaning, drawing, listening to a lot of my favorite music, movies, daily bubble baths. Staying in contact with friends as much as...

@TruthSeeker I do have a T. She is great. It helps. But she doesnt love me back. She cant, I understand that. Also, I do have other friends that I dont talk about this stuff to. I know they care about me and everything. I agree, it is nice to talk to them sometimes without worrying about all...

It's an actual person. My bio mom was abusive, still in contact with her but it is with very firm boundaries for my emotional safety. My adoptive mom was supportive and loving and I was so close and bonded to her. But her husband (adoptive dad) sexually assaulted me and I finally called him out...

I have some. All are peers, not older than me. Feeling down on myself for always relying on the same 2 people for everything- friendship, advice, parental love, romantic love, etc. I dont want to overwhelm them. But I dont know anyone who can fill the other holes in me.

I hate myself so much and I just want to call my adoptive mom. I want her to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. But I cant. I just wish someone loved me when I needed it.

Thank you all for your kind replies. @Friday I totally agree. Why are so many of my strongest memories from that day, instead of any of the precious moments I had with him? It's not fair.

My dad committed suicide 8 years ago. It sounds like a long time but it feels like yesterday. I was 16. I honestly just feel even more numb about it as the years go on. Is it the pain fading with time? Or am I just cold for not feeling anything? I can feel him fading from my memory. I wish I...

I've also gone through periods of time where I have no access to my emotions, or I just shut them off. But then it all comes spilling out unintentionally, especially about the things I thought I worked through. It seems to me that each season of life I am affected by my trauma in different...

I've also been struggling my way through graduate school. That is awesome! You should be very proud and know that you have it in you to keep it up :)

An update: I was confronted with the idea today that at one point, my parents were faced with some of the same decisions that I have been faced with. My mom's childhood was about on par with mine trauma wise. But she chose to get out by running way, taking drugs and living on the street, leading...

Thank you all for your rational responses. I think I was in a bit of a panic and afraid that nothing is ever going to get better. But you are right, I've only seen her 4 times. Today was better, she helped me with some breathing exercises which no one else I've seen has ever done before. She...

So I haven't had great experiences with therapy. I always feel like I'm doing all the work and the therapist just sits there or nods or agrees. I should just talk to a wall for free instead. My current therapist I've only seen 4 times so far, but she just kinda repeats everything I say. I know...

Most days recently my "thing" has been binge eating junk food on the couch and doing sudoku. ? I feel nasty at the end of the day but I just can't find any motivation whatsoever. I guess my "thing" is math, stats, data... when I'm working on a really difficult problem I dont have enough brain...

Stuck. Frozen. Numb.

You are strong, a survivor, and making healthy decisions. ? It can be really hard to set much needed boundaries without avoiding people in an unhealthy way. Especially when your personal boundary line has been repeatedly and routinely crossed in the past. How can you know who to trust? I'm still...