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I just need a mom.

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I'm a mom sending you a virtual hug and telling you it's going to be okay. I wish it was in person, but it's the best I can do. You are loved even when you don't feel like it. Write it everywhere to remind you when you don't feel it. Maybe when you can record mom telling you she loves you and play it when you need to hear it. Keep reaching out on those days you don't feel loved. There are many here who will encourage you and love you from afar. Prayers for peace.
 
I hate myself so much and I just want to call my adoptive mom. I want her to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. But I cant. I just wish someone loved me when I needed it.

Is there any family or close friends that you feel close with?
 
I hate myself so much and I just want to call my adoptive mom. I want her to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. But I cant. I just wish someone loved me when I needed it.

I relate to this feeling a lot. That absence of consistent, healthy familial love is one of the most painful things. I know it's hard to feel right now, but someone loves you, somewhere, all of the time. What helps me is the grounding technique of rubbing or lightly pressing under my collarbone(like before you'd do EFT but I think just doing that helps a lot) It makes me feel a bit warm and safe. All the best to you.
 
Is there any family or close friends that you feel close with?

I have some. All are peers, not older than me. Feeling down on myself for always relying on the same 2 people for everything- friendship, advice, parental love, romantic love, etc. I dont want to overwhelm them. But I dont know anyone who can fill the other holes in me.
 
Is this an actual person you’re grieving over no longer having in your life... or an imaginary person (or amalgamation)?
 
I have some. All are peers, not older than me. Feeling down on myself for always relying on the same 2 people for everything- friendship, advice, parental love, romantic love, etc. I dont want to overwhelm them. But I dont know anyone who can fill the other holes in me.

I think some adopted folks, and I include myself here, come with a thing about not wanting to be a burden-it goes with fear of rejection or not being good enough. People who have chronic health problems, like myself, also sometimes have issues with the not being a burden to others around them.....If we allow ourselves to be too needy, then boundaries can get blurred.....and it is easy to take help when we don't need it or share things because there is no one else around-and having someone do stuff for us....feels good.

I struggle with allowing people who are naturally....helpful to help me when I need it, and knowing when to say no, but with a long time friend of mine who is most like family, I am honest and tell her that she has a life that is other than mine. We see each other weekly, and she will take me to appointments if I need it....but for her especially, our friendship is based on having fun...good times, and I'd rather spend my time having fun than getting her advice on my traumatic stuff or worrying her. Having someone there to do things-who I'm not going to expect her advice, just plain makes me happy-our purpose is to have fun and a good time together. She is the one friend I have, my one friend to love....and I do my best to give as much as she does...so the relationship stays balanced....so there are no power issues in the relationship.

You got a T? I have a T to tell my trauma and woeful stories to and I pay her to worry about that and give me advice when I need it. You can meet people at a variety of places, like a church setting, or a club or meeting that shares a common interest. Hopefully, it won't be more than 6 months when things will ease up, church will be back in session, art classes will start up, and people will be moving more freely. If you could get out of the house, where might you go to meet people with similar interests?
 
Is this an actual person you’re grieving over no longer having in your life... or an imaginary person (or amalgamation)?

It's an actual person. My bio mom was abusive, still in contact with her but it is with very firm boundaries for my emotional safety. My adoptive mom was supportive and loving and I was so close and bonded to her. But her husband (adoptive dad) sexually assaulted me and I finally called him out on it recently and now she isn't talking to me.

I know I did the right thing speaking up, but I also really really wish I hadn't because now I dont know if I'll ever have her in my life again. I was so lucky to have had a second chance at love in my life with her. I highly doubt I'll get a 3rd chance.
 
@TruthSeeker

I do have a T. She is great. It helps. But she doesnt love me back. She cant, I understand that. Also, I do have other friends that I dont talk about this stuff to. I know they care about me and everything. I agree, it is nice to talk to them sometimes without worrying about all the other crap. We can just be friends.

But most days, I am dealing with crippling depression and seeing those friends sounds horribly painful. I dont want to fake being happy and i dont want to ruin the nature of our lighthearted friendship. Even if I did talk to all of them, it's not the same as a mom. I just want her back in my life so badly and I cant have that.

I know there are probably older women out there who would happily befriend me. It's definitely difficult now to find any of them due to COVID.
 
@TruthSeeker

I do have a T. She is great. It helps. But she doesnt love me back. She cant, I understand that. Also, I do have other friends that I dont talk about this stuff to. I know they care about me and everything. I agree, it is nice to talk to them sometimes without worrying about all the other crap. We can just be friends.

But most days, I am dealing with crippling depression and seeing those friends sounds horribly painful. I dont want to fake being happy and i dont want to ruin the nature of our lighthearted friendship. Even if I did talk to all of them, it's not the same as a mom. I just want her back in my life so badly and I cant have that.

I know there are probably older women out there who would happily befriend me. It's definitely diffiche ult now to find any of them due to COVID.

My solution to that inner child or needy love seeking part, being adopted myself, was to parent the child part of me that was longing for the love which I was deprived of. I kinda showered that part with kindness, fun things, and self-love that my mother should have given that part of me.... eventually kind of replaced what I didn't have with self-parental love. I also lost my daughter when I walked away from the dysfunctional family, of which she was a part, and there is a hole in my heart for her as a mother. Know that your mother yearns for what she lost. Now, my daughter .is climbing out of that rabbit hole which is never easy. It is hard to lose someone you love, but attending to the part that is yearning for love can be a great comfort to oneself.....art, popcorn and a fun-even childish movie (I like Disney), marshmallows, dancing in your living room.....can all help to fight the depression.....I found fun is the key to self-love, but for a while at first, I had to ask myself....what would be fun and try a lot of different things. You deserve to be happy, and deserve to give yourself fun and distracting things even amidst this seclusion. I am on a quest.......right now for making the perfect pizza crust and pizza sauce that I can make and freeze and reheat; I also am making and freezing healthy meatloaf with lots of purreed vegetables..... Cooking is messy....but a part of me enjoys the mess making part (not particularly the cleaning up part). Maybe you can create your own quest for learning something fun and new that would help as a diversion and engage that part which is missing motherly attention and love. You can provide it to that part of yourself....to help it heal.

I'm realizing that being shut in.....I'm feeling more depressed. I'm retired with a pt online hack-at-it business that's not getting tended to....and I really could care less. I, too, have been dwelling on the loss of my daughter more, since covid struck, and need to change that so it's not a focus. I'm going to try something different....setting up "things to do" in my house to get me away from the bedroom-my comfort zone-which is where I've been doing everything....or more like nothing along with a schedule that includes taking care of me things, fun things, exercise related thing, getting outdoors, eating regular healthy meals (eating has gone to pot), doing something with the business, house-keeping, learning new things (art, music, mental upkeep), communication with others, and gardening, and keeping up with time better. My brain feels like mush. That's my new plan to fight the depression, rather than to eat.....and I have to admit....the more depressed I get, the less I want to communicate with friends and yes, I feel the same....I'm sure my friends are more depressed too....I don't want to bring them down with my own issues. So, consider finding a way to fight the depression....be good to yourself....maybe create a purpose while you are at home, and get creative about it. My solution has come down to creating a to do schedule to get me up an moving, increasing endorphins,....and while one part says what for? I don't need a schedule....the depressed part will improve if I'm back on one and able to look at the day as having been more productive. Good luck with that depression....let me know how it's going....
 
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