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Memory is an odd duck. I for example have extremely limited memory of my childhood but that is not my subject for today, it would take a book. Whenever I think back to an event that was wonderful I immediately remember and focus on the one thing that was wrong and let it consume my memories...

Thank you for the words of encouragement. When I previously had gone to a T she said that over and over, you were a child and had no choice, not your fault. While the adult me can certainly understand that argument and that is exactly what I would say to someone, doesn't matter because at my...

Thank you survivor3. I had therapy about 4 years ago when I collapsed into a deep depression (first time in my life for either). Medication and T helped me get through but created more questions then it answered. My T retired and I shoved everything back into the box. Now I am starting to have...

The guilt is allowing my self to be abused and never telling anyone, I know it does not make sense but it is how I feel. I realize now this has manifested itself in my inability to remember joyful times and events but rather I only remeber the things I have done wrong 100% when spinning in...

I am 61 an adult survivor of childhood sexual assault at 10 which has created numerous issues which you can read about here. After 4 years of putting my demons back in their box the lid is now open :-( I have been having issues for about 6 months or more and am hoping to start with a new T in...

Thanks moving forward, I appreciate the encouragement. I will just take it 1 day at a time

I am now 12 days post surgery for my back and am all good about 90% healed. Pain is gone which is great, wish I could say the same for my mental health. I have reached out to a new T that I found on one of the the resources sites for survivors and will be having my first virtual session in...

Thanks for posting DIGZ: I am realizing I need an online T and have started looking, I am in the US and hoping to find someone with experience.

Thanks forward10. Your comment, who would I have been? really hits home. I guess that is part of it I really could have been so much more than I am. It is terrifying to think that at 10yo I made decisions that changed the course of my life. I am trying to find an online therapist but having...

I want to thank everyone for comments and recommendations. My thinking brain understands this but I am so messed up that I don't trust my mind. Example, I found out last week that I have a herniated disk and am having back surgery Friday. While waiting for surgery I spend about 75% of the day on...

Thanks, you are correct. Unfortunately, the therapist I had retired and it is not easy to trust someone new, but I will have to

I have written about my childhood and abuse here before please feel free to read. It has been 4 years since I stopped therapy and my disassociation has protected me by burying the horrors of my childhood abuse. I live with an ongoing internal battle of wanting to remember and being terrified...

While there is a part of me that wants to know the truth I suspect my self preservation will stop that from happening. This is not did it happen or did it not. I am quite aware of the abuse that spanned 2-3 years I just push those memories and details deep, deep down. The opening of the door a...

I worked with her for 6 months, she was already in her 70's and close to retirement. She was very bright and I was comfortable with her. She was actually one of the earliest adopters of EMDR and trained with the the developers decades ago and had used it on thousands of patients. The fact that...

When I was in Therapy about 4 years ago (I desperately need it now) she used EMDR multiple times with me, didn't work. She has since retired but she commented at the time that in 50 years of practicing she had never seen anyone as resistant to EMDR and with such a solid wall. This scares the...

So my meeting with my new therapist was cancelled, Covid. So with the world the way it is now it will be a year before I can see a therapist :-(

I have been struggling my entire life with the abuse from my childhood (you can read my posts here for details) but about 4 years ago I slipped into a deep dark depression and only emerged after about 6 months of therapy. However after the therapy ended I did what I always do, I buried my...

Thank you all your words are appreciated. You might not see me for a few days or weeks as I don't handle emotion very well and need some time to absorb it

Thanks Grit and HiThere, as I said I wrote this more to congeal the thoughts in my mind but I am glad that it has struck a chord with others. I went through 45 years of thinking I was the only one in my situation. Grit asked about forgiving myself for letting this happen. I was referring to the...

Thank all for likes and comments. I really wrote this for myself but it is nice to know that there are others who understand. I also appreciate any comments and experiential stories as they help in knowing you are not alone.

Thanks Ladee I have learned enough to operate on a daily basis but what I don't know scares me in many ways but one of them is the fear that many of my decisions are pre ordained and not in my control. I will continue my journey but am scared to open the floodgates. I was watching a TV show...

I am a survivor, sort of of childhood abuse and did not say a word to anyone in the world for 45 years, then my world came crashing down. After a series of professional set backs about 4 years ago I slipped into a very deep depressions accompanied by horrible flashbacks to me as a 10 year old...

I have the same issue, I sometimes realize that I did not hear the other conversation at all. My T says I compartmentalize and disassociate as a learned defense mechanism from my abuse as a child. My way of coping.

I feel your pain as I have recently had a couple of flashbacks myself. I don't remember the events happening in detail but deep inside I know it is true :-(

Yes but if you know that you will be abused why go with this person, for a fun day out or a fun activity, that is f*cked up. I mean what type of person knowing they will be abused still goes with the abuser? There has got to be something wrong at the DNA level to allow that.