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Last year I was incapacitated by neck spasms. They thought I had spasmodic torticollis. Wanted to give me injections and everything. The pain was so bad I wanted to die. The spasms would involuntarily pull my head in different directions. I couldn't work, I couldn't drive. I couldn't swallow...

@a3a2- This is not meant to be combative. Just to view the scene from a different angle. I recognize that that I had/have a severe co- dependence with my mother but sometimes parents do the best with what they have. My mother should have protected me from harm the way that i would kill for my...

Holy smokes doglover! I feel like you could be writing about me! Welcome!

@anxiety. I grew up in a severe domestic violent childhood. I completely understand. Welcome. Funny...mine was in Ga too.

@Daze - Take your time. I had a complete meltdown this week (in front of someone, that NEVER happens). Some days its easier, some days unbearable. Just baby steps. We are here whenever you need us.

Melissa - IMy husband feels the same. He was completely dumbstruck. He comes from a very stable and loving homelife. He is very stable. It is not a point of being naïve or PTSD reactive. The way you feel (it seems to me from him) is very healthy when you have complete trust in what the person...

@squireparty - I have just completed my first class. I am 37. I found an on-line program to begin until I could prove to myself that the stress wasn't going to break me. it almost did many times due to the negative self talk and self harm when I got stressed but since had time to finish the...

@Abstract - i just wanted you to know I am supporting you too. you have given me very good insight since I have been here. i wish you strength. Sending yougood vibes :tup::tup:

@Jenfa..I agree about the sorry. Mainly I couldn't do it because I never want to children to think I left them because THEY weren't enoiugh to live for. That is what makes me get up everyday and fight some more for strength.

@Daze - You are more than welcome. The shame, embarrassment, fear, etc is all a part of who we are. It is so great that you found this site. It is great for all of us. It was really difficult for me to go my whole life and "know" I was different for my thoughts and behavior, feelings etc. I...

I have those suicide/rescue fantasies. I have thought about them a lot and why I would have them. Mine most often is a horrendous car crash (driving off the road) or any type of accident that I could pull off and make look accidental. First - I selfishly want some kind of emotion from people...

@TD2TD - That was my thought about the self hatred thoughts. @Melissa - It does sound like you have a lot of hatred for what he has done. As being the person who has recently gone outside of my marriage I completely understand that. But like TD asked - how do you feel about him, not the...

We al have the feeling sometimes that no one cares or could ever understand. Not true here. Welcome to the forum.

@Daze - I didn't think of that at all until now. So no, I haven't told anyone. I remember it was more just not wanting be around anymore. I wouldn't cause all of the fighting, I wouldn't be punished etc for being "bad", he wouldn't "love" me that way. I wouldn't just be here. I wsa thinking of...

Its funny you say that Arfie. My father always asks me how I am. The same reply from me. You know, Im good. Nothing I cant handle. He said to me last week - you could be bleeding from your eyeballs and you wouldnt tell me anything different, would you? My response...Of course not...

I did that as a child. Mine was just because if I could just quietly drift away I wouldnt be a problem anymore or hurt anymore. I always thought just letting yout lungs fill up and then it would be over quickly and you would drift away. I have no idea when I stopped either but I was around the...

Welcome to the forum - You and I sound very similiar. I am always "fine" when asked. I have it all under control. (So everyone thinks) I have only been on the forum for a week or so and everyone here is so wonderful. Feel free to rage, ask questions,feel supported. I have found more...

HAHA! I just realized that I replied to a thread that is YEARS old! I better start paying attention..that in itself was funny :)

girlinabox, I have no advice. Just letting you know you arent alone. I feel like I have been living two lives my entire life. Inside my head is chaos but there is rarely a really true emotion to events. I just "feel" what I think is appropriate for the event. Like I rationally KNOW I should...

Thanks! These types that you just mentioned sound more "active" to me than trying to clear my head and be mindful. Maybe giving my mind something to do that is inclusive in the experience will help. I am really glad I am here too.

Thank you as well, Quic. I will look into it. Honestly, I have a hard time with any type of meditation because if the inaility to still my mind at all. I sped the entire time running things I should be doing or telling myself to stop thinking, over and over :) The drive home from that event...

Thanks so muuch, Fanciemarie. I am not sure that is what they said. I wasn't allowed to go into the interview room with her. She wanted to go alone. She said she was embarrased. I am sure she told them that I was over reacting or that she could handle it or some other bulls**t and they deemed...

This is my disorder as well. I can go from dropping 20 pounlds in 2 weeks from not eating. I feel the hunger, I know I should eat but it is the only thing I can control. Then 1 month later I realize that I am sick and I start the mantra that I can show them. I can control anytihing,. I am not...

Hello everyone - I am just curious to see if anyone has had this happen to them. I am sure some of you have ead a little of my history as I am new here and seem to be posting a lot :) Anyway, I have a mother who is a partier/drug abuser who had several DV boyfriends in my childhood as well as...

It is nice to see that people can have healthy relationships while continuing the process. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. I am 37 and on my third marriage, which just recently, I shattered. I have read several messages of - if it is the right person, if they are right for you, etc. That...