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Advice On What To Do Next Please.
- Post starter Abstract
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- Post starter
- #14
Hope4future
Silver Member
Wanting to address this issue is a huge step. Kudos for that. I second all that's been said about breaking it down into tiny steps.
As for finding a therapist, looking at the local psychological association might give you a listing of therapists by specialty.
I've been in therapy for years with a well trained trauma specialist and I wouldn't see anyone who doesn't have specific trauma training. It's hard enough work without having someone who can't handle the intensity and complexity of all that comes up.
I have never spoken of the trauma. I write it all out. I write a note before each session about what has been going on between sessions, even if it's not specific to a trauma and I'll write during sessions in response to questions or to describe what I'm experiencing. It feels crazy to admit that, but it's the best I can do right now. Some day I hope to be able to talk in the session more openly without dissociating or being paralyzed by fear and doubt.
Maybe this is too much sharing in response to your situation, but I guess I want to say that once you find a therapist that is a good match ( and I choose to believe you will) then he/she will meet you where you're at and work with you and walk with you on your personal healing journey.
The relationship will take time and is part of the healing. It has taken me a long time to accept I can't do this alone. Because the injury was interpersonal that's where the healing has to happen. I still struggle with this at times.
Be kind and patient with yourself. Any movement forward is a cause for celebration. This is hard, hard work. But it can't be any harder than what we've already lived through and the thought of a life lived in darkness.
One tiny step forward is all it takes to continue the journey of healing. You are not alone. It's great that you're reaching out here.
As for finding a therapist, looking at the local psychological association might give you a listing of therapists by specialty.
I've been in therapy for years with a well trained trauma specialist and I wouldn't see anyone who doesn't have specific trauma training. It's hard enough work without having someone who can't handle the intensity and complexity of all that comes up.
I have never spoken of the trauma. I write it all out. I write a note before each session about what has been going on between sessions, even if it's not specific to a trauma and I'll write during sessions in response to questions or to describe what I'm experiencing. It feels crazy to admit that, but it's the best I can do right now. Some day I hope to be able to talk in the session more openly without dissociating or being paralyzed by fear and doubt.
Maybe this is too much sharing in response to your situation, but I guess I want to say that once you find a therapist that is a good match ( and I choose to believe you will) then he/she will meet you where you're at and work with you and walk with you on your personal healing journey.
The relationship will take time and is part of the healing. It has taken me a long time to accept I can't do this alone. Because the injury was interpersonal that's where the healing has to happen. I still struggle with this at times.
Be kind and patient with yourself. Any movement forward is a cause for celebration. This is hard, hard work. But it can't be any harder than what we've already lived through and the thought of a life lived in darkness.
One tiny step forward is all it takes to continue the journey of healing. You are not alone. It's great that you're reaching out here.
- Post starter
- #16
Thakyou Hope4future,
For giving some hope for the future...
Non trauma therapists just did not understand me in the past and did not know what to do with me. I was misunderstood and that was hard as I was trying to piece some understanding of myself together and their misunderstanding tore part of me apart.
The relationship itself is so big for me. It is a huge challenge in and of itself and hence even the thought of therapy being so terrifying. I sometimes so wish my trauma and general dysfunctional environment wasn't interpersonal. I feel my problems with therapy are much more of an issue than the actual trauma in some respects. One has to get close enough to the trauma in order to deal with it and for me the coping mechanisms such as denial and self hatred and the interpersonal issues are like major obstacles to get to the place that trauma can be reached.
Thanks for the encouragement and input.
For giving some hope for the future...
Non trauma therapists just did not understand me in the past and did not know what to do with me. I was misunderstood and that was hard as I was trying to piece some understanding of myself together and their misunderstanding tore part of me apart.
The relationship itself is so big for me. It is a huge challenge in and of itself and hence even the thought of therapy being so terrifying. I sometimes so wish my trauma and general dysfunctional environment wasn't interpersonal. I feel my problems with therapy are much more of an issue than the actual trauma in some respects. One has to get close enough to the trauma in order to deal with it and for me the coping mechanisms such as denial and self hatred and the interpersonal issues are like major obstacles to get to the place that trauma can be reached.
Thanks for the encouragement and input.
Candleflames
Platinum Member
You are on the right track posting this thread and then coming back to read and respond. It must be difficult to address this even here. I know I dissociated writing my response to you so I imagine you must be having an even harder time. You are doing a great job working through the fog.
Give yourself as much time as you need for each little step. Can you do things out of order? Like maybe write down what you'd email an ideal candidate first, and just write one idea a day. Or get one of those little pocket notebooks so you can write down an idea or sentence when it hits you.
I get angry with myself when the dissociation is bad too. I'll remind myself that this isn't me, it's my brain trying to protect me from from the scary parts of my past. While it was helpful then it's not now and my tired brain just hasn't caught up with the now yet. Then I can turn that anger from myself and onto the cause of the dissociation, my traumatic past and the miswiring of my brain. That's a better place for our anger and frustration to be directed at. None of this is you or your fault. I hope you realize that.
If you can redirect your frustration and anger to a more appropriate target maybe you can then channel it to a more productive use. I find it helpful to have "conversations" with an imaginary version of my target while moving around (pacing, sorting laundry) to get my mind out of the fog. When I return to my task I have a couple of phrases that help me ward off the fog for a little while. I'll say "Eff this crap, I can do this!" and/or "You no longer control what I do." So my language is usually a bit harsher and I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I'm totally off my rocker cause I'll go for a walk around my neighborhood and have one of these talks. ;)
I'm rooting for you and would be happy to talk anytime.
Give yourself as much time as you need for each little step. Can you do things out of order? Like maybe write down what you'd email an ideal candidate first, and just write one idea a day. Or get one of those little pocket notebooks so you can write down an idea or sentence when it hits you.
I get angry with myself when the dissociation is bad too. I'll remind myself that this isn't me, it's my brain trying to protect me from from the scary parts of my past. While it was helpful then it's not now and my tired brain just hasn't caught up with the now yet. Then I can turn that anger from myself and onto the cause of the dissociation, my traumatic past and the miswiring of my brain. That's a better place for our anger and frustration to be directed at. None of this is you or your fault. I hope you realize that.
If you can redirect your frustration and anger to a more appropriate target maybe you can then channel it to a more productive use. I find it helpful to have "conversations" with an imaginary version of my target while moving around (pacing, sorting laundry) to get my mind out of the fog. When I return to my task I have a couple of phrases that help me ward off the fog for a little while. I'll say "Eff this crap, I can do this!" and/or "You no longer control what I do." So my language is usually a bit harsher and I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I'm totally off my rocker cause I'll go for a walk around my neighborhood and have one of these talks. ;)
I'm rooting for you and would be happy to talk anytime.
Hi Abstract –
I think it’s very courageous that you’re interested going into therapy again and talking about your trauma. The therapist before the one I have now skipped town. Overcoming the sense of betrayal I felt and finding a new one was an arduous task. I think I interviewed six by email, then phone, then in-person before I chose the one I have now. I had uncompromising criteria. I’m glad and very thankful that I found someone that is a very good.
I don’t know if it’s written about anywhere, but one thing I think that's often present with many PTSD sufferers is a sense of loss – of one’s will having been buried or of it vanishing almost entirely. For that reason, I think that having a certain sense of control and intentionality is an important component of healing. I've only known you a few months, and only on this site, but from what I can tell you've been exercising control, your will, in your endeavor to heal. You gained knowledge and understanding about PTSD, about yourself, and you learned mindfulness and worked on speaking too during your hiatus from therapy. Shucks Abstract, you may have been working on yourself, without a therapist, more than some folks do while working with a therapist for years! My take on this is that you're pretty aware of yourself - you have a sense of knowing when and how to push yourself a little and when not to, and you’re aware of when you need to ask for help ;)
I agree with the idea of seeking out someone who is licensed and familiar (certified?) with trauma therapy. However, I wouldn’t rule out someone in my back yard who is licensed and familiar with trauma therapy but not certified in it specifically, unless you’re considering EMDR – then you will want to find someone that’s accredited and very experienced. I also agree with just taking one step at a time and possibly asking for a bit of help from one or more folks on the boards, via private PC.
Whether you are really ready to work more directly on your trauma will remain to be seen. It’s not something you have to decide to do now. Only when you meet someone whom you like will you truly know if you’re ready – And when you come to that point, and if you feel you’re not ready, and you choose not to that’s okay.
I have a paper called “10 Steps to Achieving Goals” – It’s a handout a therapist gave me many years ago – It helps me to see what's at the foundation of my stuckness and gets me moving, Sometimes I've worked through the steps then folded the paper so only steps 1., 2., 8., 9., and 10. are showing, then copy it a bunch of times and paste it on walls, in my car, carry it in my purse, etc. It may not be helpful for you or you might not like it - I don't know. I'll send it on Monday after I've converted it to a pdf . . .
((big hugs))
Drew :hug:
I think it’s very courageous that you’re interested going into therapy again and talking about your trauma. The therapist before the one I have now skipped town. Overcoming the sense of betrayal I felt and finding a new one was an arduous task. I think I interviewed six by email, then phone, then in-person before I chose the one I have now. I had uncompromising criteria. I’m glad and very thankful that I found someone that is a very good.
I don’t know if it’s written about anywhere, but one thing I think that's often present with many PTSD sufferers is a sense of loss – of one’s will having been buried or of it vanishing almost entirely. For that reason, I think that having a certain sense of control and intentionality is an important component of healing. I've only known you a few months, and only on this site, but from what I can tell you've been exercising control, your will, in your endeavor to heal. You gained knowledge and understanding about PTSD, about yourself, and you learned mindfulness and worked on speaking too during your hiatus from therapy. Shucks Abstract, you may have been working on yourself, without a therapist, more than some folks do while working with a therapist for years! My take on this is that you're pretty aware of yourself - you have a sense of knowing when and how to push yourself a little and when not to, and you’re aware of when you need to ask for help ;)
I agree with the idea of seeking out someone who is licensed and familiar (certified?) with trauma therapy. However, I wouldn’t rule out someone in my back yard who is licensed and familiar with trauma therapy but not certified in it specifically, unless you’re considering EMDR – then you will want to find someone that’s accredited and very experienced. I also agree with just taking one step at a time and possibly asking for a bit of help from one or more folks on the boards, via private PC.
Whether you are really ready to work more directly on your trauma will remain to be seen. It’s not something you have to decide to do now. Only when you meet someone whom you like will you truly know if you’re ready – And when you come to that point, and if you feel you’re not ready, and you choose not to that’s okay.
I have a paper called “10 Steps to Achieving Goals” – It’s a handout a therapist gave me many years ago – It helps me to see what's at the foundation of my stuckness and gets me moving, Sometimes I've worked through the steps then folded the paper so only steps 1., 2., 8., 9., and 10. are showing, then copy it a bunch of times and paste it on walls, in my car, carry it in my purse, etc. It may not be helpful for you or you might not like it - I don't know. I'll send it on Monday after I've converted it to a pdf . . .
((big hugs))
Drew :hug:
One thing that I didn't know about before, but absolutely love is that often times therapists will do what's called an "outreach" program. That's when they will visit with you at your home for an hour a week or two. It helps when you're not entirely on the same day as everyone else. I found it easier to seek out help in this way at first, when I had a lot of doubt and also confusion. It's not easy putting the pieces together to help put the pieces together, if you get what I mean. I couldn't keep a schedule to save my life. Even the thought of it scares the crap out of me. Therapy can be like that. The thought of the entire process can be worse than actually going, but do look into some sort of outreach. It might take a load off your mind.
M
Mayday
I don't have any advice, but after avoiding therapy for a few years, I have finally found a therapist who is a good match and is actually helping me. It is slow going, but with baby steps, I am starting to feel some hope again. Best of luck to you, and I hope you find someone who is going to help you.
10 Steps to Achieving Goals (pdf attachment) - I've found to use of the worksheet (and getting unstuck, or meeting a goal) is to be completely honest with myself when answering the questions and sharing my worksheet with at least one other person who will help support me in reaching my goal.
- Post starter
- #22
Hi Candleflames,
Thank you for understanding and for coming back to this!Thank you too for sharing that discussing this had that effect on you.
It is hard discussing it. I am a little astonished at how far I have come though as discussing anything months ago would be so overwhelming and create such backlash that I wouldn't be able to come back to answer posts even though they were very important to me. I feel a bit silly saying that something so little had that affect but it is true.
Taking things out of order is a useful idea. I think I am going to start off doing whatever I can when I can and then narrow it all back to what is the most difficult to budge. Having done a lot may also help my brain feel less overwhelmed and therefore let me through.
You are right that it is just your brain attempting to protect you. It's frustrating when so much of you wants something different and yet is not allowed isn't it?
Unfortunately putting the anger where it belongs - the past - is a little problematic still. Doing anything to indicate I think there was something bad there or that something damaged me tends to open up world war 3 inside me. Even acknowledging PTSD or symptoms does this.
I am "lying, a fabricator, I have factitious disorder, I am attention seeking, psychotic , fine". Hah! Its not pleasant here inside my head.
Thanks for affirming it isn't my fault. It all helps to quietenthe part of me that is out to annihilate me.
Thank you for understanding and for coming back to this!Thank you too for sharing that discussing this had that effect on you.
It is hard discussing it. I am a little astonished at how far I have come though as discussing anything months ago would be so overwhelming and create such backlash that I wouldn't be able to come back to answer posts even though they were very important to me. I feel a bit silly saying that something so little had that affect but it is true.
Taking things out of order is a useful idea. I think I am going to start off doing whatever I can when I can and then narrow it all back to what is the most difficult to budge. Having done a lot may also help my brain feel less overwhelmed and therefore let me through.
You are right that it is just your brain attempting to protect you. It's frustrating when so much of you wants something different and yet is not allowed isn't it?
This is exactly the crux of the problem. Well expressed. I see most of my issues being about deeply ingrained out dated ways of coping.
Unfortunately putting the anger where it belongs - the past - is a little problematic still. Doing anything to indicate I think there was something bad there or that something damaged me tends to open up world war 3 inside me. Even acknowledging PTSD or symptoms does this.
I am "lying, a fabricator, I have factitious disorder, I am attention seeking, psychotic , fine". Hah! Its not pleasant here inside my head.
Thanks for affirming it isn't my fault. It all helps to quietenthe part of me that is out to annihilate me.
Ha! That is great. Shall try some of that too.
- Post starter
- #23
Thanks so much for taking the time and effort of looking that up Drew. That was kind. You sound like you did a great job of finding the right therapist. The good fit and her being good is something that you can take a good portion of the credit for.
Sorry to hear about the first T. It is such an intense relationship and we are super sensitive to betrayal, abandonment and harm.
You are right that the sense of powerlessness seems to be a big issue for a lot of us. Probably all of us have been in situations were we had no control. I have to say one of the fundamental feelings I have about my childhood is one of powerlessness and not being allowed to have a self. And you are right that symptoms can add to that.
Thanks for affirming my work. I feel very self hating and pathetic working on such basic stuff when others are ploughing through the nitty gritty of trauma and relationships. I struggle with feeling people must be rolling their eyes by now with me seemingly going over the same ground. It has changed though.
I am absolutely terrible at asking for help but with hard work I have come a long way. In the past this thread would have been about how I am just fine instead of what it is!
While I can see that maybe a trauma T is not always necessary for everyone I have to say that is an absolute requirement for me. My levels of dissociation makes it wise I think as generally they should understand it more. My levels of D are out of proportion with my levels of trauma.
If I can get into therapy at all at this point it will be a massive achievement. Hopefully I am ready enough to allow me to break through the wall. The trauma work will hopefully come after I build trust - whatever that is!
In the past goals and lists have backfired badly for me. They seem to fill me more with self hatred and then stress goes up and I become less functional. I am going to give it a try though as I have grown a lot and who knows. It may be fine.
Thanks again. .
Sorry to hear about the first T. It is such an intense relationship and we are super sensitive to betrayal, abandonment and harm.
You are right that the sense of powerlessness seems to be a big issue for a lot of us. Probably all of us have been in situations were we had no control. I have to say one of the fundamental feelings I have about my childhood is one of powerlessness and not being allowed to have a self. And you are right that symptoms can add to that.
Thanks for affirming my work. I feel very self hating and pathetic working on such basic stuff when others are ploughing through the nitty gritty of trauma and relationships. I struggle with feeling people must be rolling their eyes by now with me seemingly going over the same ground. It has changed though.
I have such deep self doubt about these things. I struggle to trust myself when it comes to my internal world. I used to have zero ability to pace myself. Frantic intensity and then sudden collapse. I hate pacing myself and feel like a constant failure for doing so. I also worry that I have become too cautious. It's nice to think I am being seen so differently. Maybe I need to re evaluate where I am.
I am absolutely terrible at asking for help but with hard work I have come a long way. In the past this thread would have been about how I am just fine instead of what it is!
While I can see that maybe a trauma T is not always necessary for everyone I have to say that is an absolute requirement for me. My levels of dissociation makes it wise I think as generally they should understand it more. My levels of D are out of proportion with my levels of trauma.
If I can get into therapy at all at this point it will be a massive achievement. Hopefully I am ready enough to allow me to break through the wall. The trauma work will hopefully come after I build trust - whatever that is!
In the past goals and lists have backfired badly for me. They seem to fill me more with self hatred and then stress goes up and I become less functional. I am going to give it a try though as I have grown a lot and who knows. It may be fine.
Thanks again. .
- Post starter
- #24
Thanks Jenfa!
Is it private therapists that do this? Some? Hoping I will never need it again but would like to know just in case.
At present it would possibly make things harder rather than easier as keeping my flat in an organised enough state to feel OK about someone visiting is very iffy and a big strain.
H also knows nothing about trauma, PTSD or any of it.
Thanks again. I need to give this some more thought as it may still be a possible solution.
If you feel inclined would you explain a little more? I don't know about this. I wish I had known about it in the past as there have been times where my life and I have been such a train wreck that I couldn't organise the tiniest thing. Physically making a phone call was near impossible.
Is it private therapists that do this? Some? Hoping I will never need it again but would like to know just in case.
At present it would possibly make things harder rather than easier as keeping my flat in an organised enough state to feel OK about someone visiting is very iffy and a big strain.
H also knows nothing about trauma, PTSD or any of it.
Boy, do I know how that feels and how hard to it is to do anything! Getting anywhere on time is still something I can't seem to do but it is mostly minutes now rather than hours. Sometimes it is hours still. :(
Yes! I wonder if I could get someone to find someone to do this for me just so that they can help me find a therapist.
Oh I don't know. I hope so! The last time I was entombed by silence, freezes and dissociation despite all my usage of skills. I have come on and done a full years work on trying to break down some of what was blocking so I am hoping it will be better.
Thanks again. I need to give this some more thought as it may still be a possible solution.
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