Sufferer Diagnosed 14 Years Ago But Doing "fine" Until Now

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Hello, all

I'm normally a person who stays in the background and just tries to get things done. I have my moments where I question if I'm a "good" person and think I should avoid personal relationships because I'll only end up doing or saying something stupid.

I recently underwent a job change not of my choosing. Then, at the ripe age of 43, went to see a psychiatrist for all the difficulties I've been having. Anxiety attacks had returned, couldn't sit still, jumped at loud noises, constant fear that I wasn't good enough, etc. She diagnosed me with ADHD and said I was suffering flare ups from PTSD.

Now I'm questioning everything because I thought I had it all figured it out. I'm starting to remember more, doing research (and finding lovely terms like dissociation and isolation) on symptoms, because I've always told people the abuse wasn't that bad. Others have it so much worse.

Now watch me eat my words.

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

Welcome.

A job change was a major trigger for my anxiety. Even now when I feel like everything is going great, I'm subconsciously just waiting for the bottom to drop out.

I think this will be a safe place to share what is going on. Maybe writing it out will help identify a trigger. And I try not to compare my abuse to anyone else's. I don't think there is a scale on abuse, it is al horrible and something I wish none of us ever endured.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

 

[StarChild]

Welcome to the forum TwoDee2ThreeDee!

because I've always told people the abuse wasn't that bad.

Well, sounds very familiar to me. There exists a current thread to this topic, maybe you'd like to have a look a it:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/minimisation.37078/

(and finding lovely terms like dissociation and isolation)

But obviously, you're armed with a good sense of humor, and this is a really good resource. :)

Others have it so much worse.

And I try not to compare my abuse to anyone else's.

Dear TwoDee2ThreeDee, like oneandonlyMom already did, I also would suggest not to compare. Because if you're comparing, you're in danger to judge yourself, and that's of no benefit, and not helpful at all. Thus everyone of us is different, is unique, and so are our lives, our stories, our abuse...

I'm glad you found this forum!

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Thanks, everyone - I can't trust my T yet (4 months in) and it took me 22 years to tell H about the dissociation. It's good to have somewhere I can write things out and get a different perspective without the fear of the listener running for the hills (or the fear of being judged as bat crap crazy)

 

[AngrySky]

Welcome to the forum -
You and I sound very similiar. I am always "fine" when asked. I have it all under control. (So everyone thinks)
I have only been on the forum for a week or so and everyone here is so wonderful. Feel free to rage, ask questions,feel supported.
I have found more understanding here than anywhere else, ever.

 

[arfie]

'Tis a rare event to get an honest answer to, "How are you?" I think that question is Social Lies 101 for most of the human species. I can be bleeding from 1000 wounds and still answer, "I am fine. How are you?"

Here in this forum, honesty is appreciated. It is okay to be other than, "fine."

Welcome. You will fit right in.

 

[AngrySky]

Its funny you say that Arfie. My father always asks me how I am. The same reply from me. You know, Im good. Nothing I cant handle. He said to me last week - you could be bleeding from your eyeballs and you wouldnt tell me anything different, would you? My response...Of course not.
Obviously, my father is not part of my trauma. I have some abandonment and daddy issues related to him and his lack of involvement etc but not part of the trauma.

 

[falling]

Anxiety attacks had returned, couldn't sit still, jumped at loud noises, constant fear that I wasn't good enough, etc.......Now I'm questioning everything because I thought I had it all figured it out.

I was "ok" for a period of 12 years and now I'm back to having PTSD basically take over my life. So, I know how you feel about thinking you had it "all figured out". What I've come to realize is that PTSD never really goes away. It simple gets more manageable. But 'relapses' can occur when you least expect it. I'm working on getting through this and when I/if do I will remember to keep resources available if I need them in the future.

I've always told people the abuse wasn't that bad. Others have it so much worse.

I TOTALLY understand this. And after reading others traumas on here I often find myself reluctant to share about my own traumas. I keep thinking that this happens to others all over the world and some have had so much worse accounts. That people are dying every second of every day so I shouldn't complain about my 'stuff'. My T said this is a form of self-hatred. That it's the PTSD/depression making me think less of myself giving way to low self worth. And I see what she's saying but still it's something I have a very hard time with. So, I've started writing in the trauma diaries on this site. Maybe once I see my memories in writing I'll believe they are actually horrible and worthy of the work needed to cope with them?Does that make sense?

In any case if anyone is suffering from PTSD then the trauma that person went through is 'that bad'.

I'm glad you've found your way here as there is much information to learn and many people that can listen and provide you with support from those that truly understand.