Sufferer My Memory Is Hard To Access.

[doglover]

I am like your friend! I interrupt people sometimes. I don't catch onto hints well at all. One night recently I was playing board games with friends... we were all enjoying ourselves... on two teams. My team was winning and I made a comment, intending to joke, that they could take another turn since we were kicking their a,,, and a friend looked at me and said, sarcastically, "Wow you're not competitive are you." I think he meant it as a joke but I spiraled into a big hole of shame and guilt. And then realized I'd not been "playing well with others," as I'd volunteered to do quite a bit in the game up to that point. Of course then I was emotionally withdrawn a bit, probably sulking. I encouraged other teammates to participate more.I hadn't even realized I was taking lots of turns... guess I forgot sometimes people don't jump in. even if they want to, unless others encourage them. I'm more impulsive than them I guess.

Once my actions were pointed out I worked really really hard to be better... and didn't even notice I'd been acting like the queen of sheeba before someone pointed out my behavior.

Gee I am really programmed to respond to criticism :/ And to just act as if it's true and a terrible affront to my whole being. Instead of pausing to ask myself if I agree.

The weird thing is I'm not even really very competitive. For some reason that night I was into it, but I'm usually not and usually very much opposite of "us vs them."

But it's stuff like that. Talking without a filter. That and I used to be really flaky even when I wanted to do things, I'd forget if they weren't right there in the present with me. I'm really grateful for the alarm function on my smartphone. I use it as memory. Now I am better at following through with commitments but still talk without a filter a good bit. Someone I work with has even started to say, "Was thinking it, wasn't gonna say it," to the room... but it's always me who's just said the thing he is referring to.

It's weird to feel the super high and super low emotions as I read over what I wrote here. Extremes. At least I am feeling them!

The woman who says all the right things, she never offers an opinion and says she will go along with the others on things. She asks good questions. She makes others laugh, and ... I don't know... I have not seen her make any mistakes. Doesn't mean she doesn't, of course. Just looks like she went to finishing school or something, hehe.

Of course, the same person... one day I was worried I'd mess something up so I referred a call to her and she chastised me after, accusing me of trying to get out of extra work. I explained my position, she was laying on the guilt really thick. I tried to make it up to her and she wouldn't accept it. I even said, "Okay so you're just going to let me sit here feeling guilty instead of letting me fix this." She said yes that's exactly right.

So maybe I don't want to envy someone who could be that way.

To end on a positive note, my dog is awesome. This community is awesome, too. I want to thank you, Ivy, for showing me such a warm welcome. And helping me feel safe here. I'm feeling lots of things since signing up... many hard feelings... and learning that it is okay to be upset about things, and okay if I don't have it all figured out. It's okay to slip into childlike me here.

Thanks to all of you for helping me honor my experiences and listen to myself more. :)

 

[IvyMillie]

You explained it very well. I see what you are saying--that you have a hard time filtering things. I think it's great that you realize this--and we all do have those moments when we wish we coult retract our words.

I wonder if you have a really good friend that you could bring into your confidence and tell them that you are working on this. That you want to try and figure out how to be more polite and filter yourself better. If you do say something out of place--afterwards and not in front of others you could then ask "Did I say anything out of line?" It would have to be a mature person, who would genuinely have your best interests at heart.

Can I add something to this scenario that I hate to have to even mention? In this day and age people sometimes gang up on people. In other words, if what you said wasn't even that bad, sometimes people like to pick on someone. If they feel especially that someone might be sensitive or unsure of themselves. It's a sad commentary on human nature, but I've seen it happen alot. If that happens, then you are left feeling bad and maybe at times for situations that aren't that bad.

However, you said they were all your friends so that is good. If you are around others that aren't your friends, please remember that there is kind of a gang mentality that prevails. Pick on the perceived weak person. This will leave you feeling awkward when you don't need to. So be aware that not everyone's feedback is the best.

In a competitive environment it can be hard. I try to stay away from competitive games. I've told my husband he drives me crazy with competition. So that probably brings out the worst in all of us. :)

Since you are aware that you interrupt people sometimes, just try to work on that a bit. Don't overwhelm yourself. We all have negative tendencies in conversation and getting along with others. I tend to like older people than me, because I find them easier to be around.

It sounds like you do have alot of friends--so see you're not too socially awkward. They must enjoy your company! That I'm sure makes you feel good. I just worry that others might not treat you so kindly--sometimes people can be kind of mean. As you said even the perfect girl can be kind of mean.

It's so good that you are working on yourself. The one friend I described earlier that interrupts, talks over people, and doesn't listen very much is in her 70's and I think she's never had very many friends throughout her life because of it. If she could have worked on herself--or known what to do, how her life could have been different. With her, I think she knows that people don't like her that much, but she doesn't understand why. I really like her and enjoy her company--so everyone else has missed out on a great person because they weren't patient enough.

You are obviously a nice person because you don't want to be hurtful to others. I think no matter what you say that might not be perfect you probably make up for it in many other ways.

 

[doglover]

Ivy, you are too kind ^_^

You are too right about gang mentality. I work in mental health and I've seen that happen before. I will be thinking of who I can recruit to help me get better at how I say things. Part of the problem will be to remember to check back with them! I'm a very in-the-moment kind of person... maybe the work I do for trauma will help me remember things better...

You get along with people older than you better? How fascinating :) I suppose technically most of my friends are older, but not by much. What is it you find easier about being around older people?
Thank you for reaching out :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi doglover, welcome :)

I don't want to 'interupt' here, but I agree with Ivy and you sound like a kind and interesting person.

Work on what you wish to, for your sake, but idk- it's good to be 'you'.
And it is difficult- usually if you think fast you will speak fast.

I, personally, think it's kind of refreshing people say what they mean or are actually truthful, so much is lost 'censored'. And people can really misinterpret or 'react' to almost anything that is said- think that's more a refection on 'them' than yourself.
-I even wonder if your co-worker 'who has all the right things to say' wishes she could just say something else, at times!, lol-
So you have more energy- who cares- good- personally I prefer that as that makes a shy person (myself) more at ease, actually. :)

Enjoy the forum, and best wishes to you.

 

[doglover]

I welcome the interruption, Junebug :) Not that I feel you are interrupting, though I cannot speak for Ivy.

You're right about different energy levels and thinking paces and all of that, in my view. I got into all sorts of trouble at school for participating too much. Ha.

I work on things as I feel ready and as I feel like I have the resources. With something like this, I run into a problem of either doing the thing I might want to change, or getting really self-conscious in an unpleasant way that steals some of my joy. So I'm cautious about working on changing because of that.

I don't feel pressured by anyone here to be different. I feel welcomed, and I appreciate that very much :)

 

[IvyMillie]

Junebug I liked what you said too. That's what is so great about this forum--we can all share with each other. It's good to get different perspectives. No one person has all the answers. We can all learn from each other. I'm glad doglover that you feel welcomed here.

 

[blueangel371115]

Welcome. This place is a lifesaver. You've already met some awesome people. You aren't alone.

 

[doglover]

Thank you, blueangel. I definitely feel less alone here.

 

[Mirai]

Welcome!

 

[doglover]

Thanks Zoe!

 

[Martin Taylor]

Welcome, this is a good place. I can also be a social chameleon, changing colors to fit into the background. I don't like it, I lose who I am. I like dogs as well. Had a great lab, a rescue dog that had just too many problems and birth defects but was truely the greatest, smartest, and bravest dog in the world, currently have a goldendoodle that is just born to love, and my wife and I constantly babysit my kid's dogs.

 

[AngrySky]

Holy smokes doglover! I feel like you could be writing about me! Welcome!