Just a few minutes ago I experienced an epiphany, I remember more and more about how my parent abused me, physical and verbal, interchangeably non-stoping violence. I see her face and her screaming angrily with hatred in her whole person. She burst out all the time and scared me all the times, she won't have the mercy to stop but kept beating me spanking me and screaming, with hands, with all the hard wood or iron rod, whatever she had. Those are what happened , what really happened to me, to the helpless child! Abuse. A lot more than the neglect and abandon that I remembered before this epiphany.
Not long time ago I constantly question myself am I overreacting. Even me, who had actually experienced that level of horrifying childhood can forget those memories. Yes, I recall back then, when I was a little one who deserved love, but when I wake up, I forgot what happened to me, I forgot all the details about how she hit me and her horrifying face, her horrifying arm, the fact that I had no where to hide and she kept abusing me with violence, and how she enjoyed beating me. When I woke up, my brain just wipe those suffering memories almost right away to protect me! The violence happened over and over again throughout my childhood. My parent used my caring nature to make me fawn. To force me to "remember" what kind of good person they are, to make me look up to her, and she always say she want to be my friend. I must be so scared. I must be so brainwashed. Is that gaslighting? Now I'm angry.
I did some grieving and practiced my compassion prior to the epiphany, now I'm even more and more angry because no child can or should endure that level of abuse. 24/7 all the time I was so scared. My parent was everywhere, I even believed that my schoolteacher was her in some wig so she can watch me all the time. I had no where to hide!
It's good that with practice I remember more so those memories validate my anger, validate my CPTSD. It explains why my 4F continuum is maxed out. I will be stronger. I know now I can protect myself! I'll gradually work on what I need to work on to take good care of myself, provide myself with real nurturing and loving caring that I have always deserved.
Have you experienced such epiphany? Have you ever feel like you treated your parent too "bad" at some point and realized later that no I'm not, I'm just learning to protect myself or something else?
Not long time ago I constantly question myself am I overreacting. Even me, who had actually experienced that level of horrifying childhood can forget those memories. Yes, I recall back then, when I was a little one who deserved love, but when I wake up, I forgot what happened to me, I forgot all the details about how she hit me and her horrifying face, her horrifying arm, the fact that I had no where to hide and she kept abusing me with violence, and how she enjoyed beating me. When I woke up, my brain just wipe those suffering memories almost right away to protect me! The violence happened over and over again throughout my childhood. My parent used my caring nature to make me fawn. To force me to "remember" what kind of good person they are, to make me look up to her, and she always say she want to be my friend. I must be so scared. I must be so brainwashed. Is that gaslighting? Now I'm angry.
I did some grieving and practiced my compassion prior to the epiphany, now I'm even more and more angry because no child can or should endure that level of abuse. 24/7 all the time I was so scared. My parent was everywhere, I even believed that my schoolteacher was her in some wig so she can watch me all the time. I had no where to hide!
It's good that with practice I remember more so those memories validate my anger, validate my CPTSD. It explains why my 4F continuum is maxed out. I will be stronger. I know now I can protect myself! I'll gradually work on what I need to work on to take good care of myself, provide myself with real nurturing and loving caring that I have always deserved.
Have you experienced such epiphany? Have you ever feel like you treated your parent too "bad" at some point and realized later that no I'm not, I'm just learning to protect myself or something else?
