Suicidal Rescue Fantasy / Ideation

[NovemberStar]

I'm really ashamed to be thinking this way, but I'm hoping others have felt this way AND found a positive way out / healed.

I'm battling depression. I've had a PTSD relapse for the past 6 weeks. This week I began resorting back to my eating disorder to cope and since then the more intense PTSD / flashbacks have eased.

I'm more depressed though. I have a period of more intense suicidal ideation for a couple of hours daily. The main problem right now is I've started to have suicidal fantasies about being rescued.

The main one is that I go see my T after having immediately taken an overdose.That collapse in her office and she takes care of me. Of course, I would be unconcious so I wouldn't even know or experience how she cares for me. If I die as a result of the overdose, it doesn't matter. The purpose is imagining and 'knowing' (fantasy) of will happen. I just want someone to care - and care so much that they would react intensely. My head tells me I'd 'die happy' if I were to act this out.

I know I probably need to TELL my T - despite feeling so very ashamed. The urges to act it out are quite strong though.

How have others dealt with this? What helped it go away?

 

[just keep swimming]

I have experienced this, my suicidal thinking has had me acting out in my head for years. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, this is normal thinking for the given situation.

If you are able to share this with your T and yes you are very brave if you can. You will already start to heal from it. I managed to give so much air to this way of thinking with my T and from that we did the work on it.

I no longer have suicidal thoughts. At one time in my life they were all I had, hours days months even years my god the ways I would of done it and the rescue so badly wanted or not.
You are human and you are experiencing products from your situation. You are worth so much more, we don't seem able to believe that at the time I know.

Hang in there, try to share with your T. You are so brave just for putting this on the site. Your made for better things to come and they will.

;)

 

[ronin47]

Oh honey, you are nowhere near the only person to have these kinds of fantasies. To this day, even though I consider myself to be in a much better place than I was a few short years ago, I imagine myself in situations very similar to the one you described. Odds are since so many people have these kinds of fantasies, it will not be something new to your T.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, NovemberStar. You are not alone! I struggled terribly with suicidal ideation and also had an eating disorder....I was hoping that the eating disorder would kill me. When I was in recovery from the ED, I realized I was not going to die from it and started to fantasize about how else I would kill myself. I had some close calls. I struggled with it for a long time.

I haven't been suicidal at all in 5 years. Sometimes, especially since I was retraumatized this year, I think, "I hate my life," but I have no desire to actually end it. I have hope for the future, especially since before I was retraumatized I had many wonderful experiences and thought, "If I had killed myself, I wouldn't have gotten to experience this or I wouldn't have been able to help this person or I wouldn't have known this amazing person." I have hope that I will heal again and enjoy my life again.

Now for how I worked through it. I had to do a partial hospitalization program. I went to a Collin Ross program and worked on the suicidal ideation/PTSD there. Due to financial issues, I had to leave the program earlier than recommended so I continued to struggle with SI but the program really helped me and I truly believe it was key to my recovery. I know other programs like ITT also help with trauma-related SI.

I also read this: Suicide: Read This First

This is ultimately how I overcame it: I did one self-nurturing activity every day. Yes, it took time, but I had to do it. I colored in coloring books. I walked around the lake. I painted. I gave myself a pedicure. I practiced Anusara yoga. The list goes on and on. I wasn't able to take a day off. Sometimes I would feel like I was better, and would stop doing self-nurturing activities, and then have SI again....so I needed to stick with it. I did this for several months, and overtime, the SI went away.

:hug: You'll get through this! Hang in there!

 

[AngrySky]

I have those suicide/rescue fantasies. I have thought about them a lot and why I would have them. Mine most often is a horrendous car crash (driving off the road) or any type of accident that I could pull off and make look accidental.

First - I selfishly want some kind of emotion from people if I am dead. To be appreciated, missed, loved, etc. So selfish to think that way and I hate admitting that.

Second I think of suicide that way so it kind of takes the responsibility off of me for doing it. Those are ways I could die and my family would not have to suffer thinking I was a suicide.

@Novermber - I was just thinking (because I have a competitive nature and a twisted sense of humor) - I'll tell my therapist if you tell yours!!! (I am kidding ')) I find that challenges are sometimes the only things that get me motivated.

 

[Jenfa]

I think the difference between the fantasy and the reality is the want or need for the care afterward or during. I felt that way for a while, that I wanted people to care and care what happened to me. When things got really bad that I started to lean towards not caring what happened to me after my demise. In fact, it wasn't until I thought to hide myself so that nobody would find me passed on that I realized that there was seriously something not right. I kept thinking if I wasn't around, then certain people would be happier, healthier, richer, you name it. Boy did I slap an important label on myself. One that would leave devastation in my wake, and also one that would stop the Earth on it's axis. ..Yeah. That was a wrong assumption. But the great part about it is realizing that even though we're really small in the grand scheme of things, those around me are happier, healthier, and richer for knowing me. That's not a bad assumption to make. It's not selfish either. I always thought it was.

I applaud you for considering telling your T about the feelings. Anything sudden or brought on by a trigger that doesn't go away is really scary. Why does bouncing back sometimes feel like giving in? I have no idea. And true @AngrySky for the remaining family having to live and explain a suicide that is the result of my genius. If I were a ghost, I'd write, "Sorry :(" on the bathroom mirror in eyeliner.

 

[AngrySky]

@Jenfa..I agree about the sorry. Mainly I couldn't do it because I never want to children to think I left them because THEY weren't enoiugh to live for. That is what makes me get up everyday and fight some more for strength.