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Powerful stuff.

My childhood problems were very different than yours so please disregard anything which is unhelpful. Did I notice correctly that the one memory you allowed yourself to be angry about was actually the one where you stood up for yourself? I have a memory of standing up to my sexual abuser once...

If anger is easier for you, maybe start there. Take one incident where you feel anger (not the worst one, start small). Are you able to articulate your anger, what you are angry about, who are you angry too, what they did or did not do. I'm thinking that you'll start with anger towards yourself...

One thing I did to help forgive myself is I chose one incident where I wished I had been strong enough to to do an particular event to lessen the abuse. I then went and watched some little girls of the same age playing and tried to imagine if they could do what I wanted myself to do at that age...

To start to grieve, first I had to start to forgive my child self Before that ...I had to realize that I hadn't forgiven myself for not doing "enough" to keep myself safe (even though logically I know others would say I was a child and not responsible for any of it), and also forgive myself...

"Failure to recognize the cognitive benefits of restorative activitIes and activities that increase positive emotions. For example, seeing Link Removed or breaks as a waste of time." Really working on this one. I've always wondered where this comes from bus it something that is taught?

Personalizing and mind reading. My husband is one of those people who thinks out loud. Last night he was commenting on having to pick things up in our messy house and I interpreted it as all my fault and that he was trying to get me to do a better job of cleaning it. I still don't know what...

I read once that that meditation is any activity where you find "flow". I struggle with determining the difference between distracting activities and self soothing activities but I am tending to think that I have been overly harsh with labeling this as distraction.

What I sense is frustration at where you are at and desperation to be better (or at least different). So you took a high risk path and it backfired. What helps me when I'm in that state is to cling onto something that I can actively do that I believe will help in the long term. For me it's...

I'm certainly happy to try. Physical pain...to me this is a "normal" response. If I drop a hammer on my foot there is high levels of pain that decrease over time until no pain when it's healed. During this time if i re-bang my foot, the pain will increase but then slowly decrease again. I...

Keeping yourself physically safe while seeing your father is important, but also consider keeping yourself emotionally safe. Consider your boundaries and how you will respond if they are crossed. Eg, if he is rude/mean will you walk away/defend yourself/ignore it? Consider self care after you...

So well said.

Ice queen

Regarding self soothing.... I'm still learning about it and about me, there are others here who know far more than I. My current definition is that self soothing is anything I do that I enjoy that I do only for me. It's things I "want" to do, rather than things I feel I "should" do. My self...

I "liked" this post not because I like it, but because I value you sharing something so important to you and allowing us the opportunity to help you. You wrote "I try desperately to be a good kind person". Me too. This in fact one of my core drivers in my life. I am learning over time to be...

Another thing that might be relevant, and why I don't see it as disassociation, is that when the emotions go it's only "those for that incident". If someone told me a fantastic joke 10min after my emotions stopped I would laugh and feel happy, there's an emptiness when they go, but not all my...

This has happened to me too where I've gone from a strong emotion to absolutely nothing at a flip of a proverbial switch. For me this is definitely not the case. I've lost access to the emotions but I believe they are there, just too buried to access. Sometimes they come back, but then they...

My other feeling is to not judge your future on how you feel in this moment. Allow yourself your feelings and they will pass. This moment is not forever. Sorry, that's my new mantra.

I'm not sure if you are venting or asking....here are my thoughts. My approach is to be really clear and up front about what is and what is not important to me in a friendship and then filter strongly every person to see if they "fit". I don't waste my time with people who won't fit with my...

Welcome. This is definitely a great community with lots of support and useful information.

Welcome :)

Hugs if they would help.

I've been wondering what I could write that might help... The biggest thing that has helped me is self compassion and self soothing. Such simple concepts but I am still learning how to "use" them effectively. Do you know how to self sooth? Can you recognize your anxiety/stress building before...

I'm glad you have found this forum. There are a lot of us here that have lived childhood sexual abuse so you are definitely not alone here. I found dating, and that dating era difficult so it would make a lot of sense to me that your symptoms have increased for now. I'm not sure if this is...

May I also join please.