Sexual Assault How Can I Deal?

[bluebird]

May I ask, is this person a close relative of yours? Do you have to see him/her regularly?
If it were somehow possible to reduce contact with this person, I suppose your symptomes would have decreased. You wrote your mother knows something about your struggles: can she help you?

You do not have to stay in touch with this person, if you do not want to. Maybe it would be helpful for you to take some time without seeing him/her. Then, you can decide whether you want this person in your life, or not. It is your decision and no one can make it for you. You have the right to see people you want to see, and you have the right not to see the people you do not want to see.

I was abused by my grandma's brother, who was living close to my home. I never realised how toxic his presence used to be for me, until I left to the university. Two years later, I stopped seeing him. At first because seeing him made me feel miserable. Now , I might would have dealt with meeting him, but I do not want to. He is not a person I want to see. I made my decision and you can make yours.

In case you have no way to reduce your contact with the person: try to make yourself feel safer by keeping near people who give you support, reminding yourself about the fact that you won't be hurt again. Please, remember, you are precious and you you deserve to feel safe and protected. Have a good day.

 

[Bella22]

Ghotiff it was a less of motherly tone and more of a caring one. I do not know how to self soothe, i normally just ignore the problem by sticking my head in a book and disappearing into another world.Do you know any beneficial techniques i could use? Thank You

 

[Bella22]

Bluebird it was my dad that did it. Once my half sister (she is not his daughter) and i convinced my mum of what he did to us, she tried to gather evidence against him but there wasn't enough. He lived with us until i was four and i visited him when i was 6 to befriend a new family he was living with that also had two twin girls the same age as me, they loved him and adored him and it broke my heart. He raped them both. We became close with that family during the trial but he once again got away with it due to lack of physical evidence. I didn't see him after this until I was 11 when i then hoped my not seeing him and lack of time with him would have changed him. I talked to him for 4 hours and when i got home my half sister was screaming and crying that I went to see a monster like that. I once again then cut off all communication with him after spending the next day with his family. We moved houses from the one that even though he was no longer living in still owned half of in 2013 (mum made sure he never paid anything towards it after he was kicked out). During the move we were careful making sure he wouldn't know where we were going to live. I decided to text him again, during this texting sequence he told me where i had moved to and called my mother and i many things and through text message abused me. fast forward to this year near my 15th Birthday in feb I place myself in contact with the whole family again. I go out with his mother to lunch. I text him which ends up with him abusing me and his whole family cutting me off again. (only his sister's don't talk to him). I texted him randomly on father's day which goes well and then ends in the worst insults he's sent yet. And then a few weeks later he apologies for the bad texts he sent that time. He texts me randomly now and wants to meet up but as he does this he has been spotted in his car driving around our house peering in. (he has also texted my mum and i and practically told us he knows the complete contents of my house). now that i'm in contact with him i am a mess but i will still meet up with him even if it ruins me. i know it's week and he can't change. he is a alcoholic and druggie. When i was 3 he told me my great grandmother died (i was extremely close to her) and i mourned her death for years to the point i never stopped mourning it and when i came in contact with him again when i was 11 he told me she was still alive. all those years deprived of seeing her. i got to see her for 2 hours with him before my half sister found out. I couldn't see her for another few years as he filed a law suite against my family visiting his after we had our court case. She died in 2013 and i couldn't attend the funeral and i had only seen her for those 2 hours in 2011. It killed me.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would reconsider this in light of the damage he caused you? " He texts me randomly now and wants to meet up but as he does this he has been spotted in his car driving around our house peering in. (he has also texted my mum and i and practically told us he knows the complete contents of my house). now that i'm in contact with him i am a mess but i will still meet up with him even if it ruins me. i know it's week and he can't change. he is a alcoholic and druggie"

 

[Bella22]

I try desperately to be a good kind person but not go unguarded. I don't want to make him feel bad for what he did if that sounds bad. i find it worse that he did it is my half sister than me. I guess I am just giving him his final chance

 

[The Albatross]

Driving by, abusive texts, relaying he knows what is in the household... that has nothing to do with how you want to be, nor the past. That is current/present behaviors and I don't think they should be overlooked but examined more fully?

 

[bluebird]

Bella, I am sorry to hear this.

It must have been awful to see this man walk away with seemingly no guilt while he hurt innocent children. However, that does not mean he is not guilty. The law made by human race is not perfect; and often does not - sadly - equal justice.

I understand how much you missed your great-grandma. The way he lied to you and kept you from being in touch with her was very cruel towards both you and her.

You are certainly not trying to make him feel bad about anything; but I am afraid he is trying to make you feel bad for what he did. The way he texts you, insults you... this is not how a father is supposed to treat his daughter, even without having already hurt her in another ways, such behaviour is not a responsible, healthy behaviour. Parents should give their children support, love and home. If they terorise them instead, it is not the fault of the child.

I don´t know exactly how to put it into words, but I will try... A person who hurts his child often continues to blame the child instead, since he is unable (more likely - not willing to) to see his own actions clearly. He doesn´t want to see himself for what he truly is; so he chooses to blame the whole world for his bad deeds. Children, on the contrary, tend to see themselves guilty instead of others - which is an understandable reaction on their part. No one wants to live with people who are bad, so, it is kind of easier to perceive oneself as the "bad one". It allows the child to survive the abuse, but it is causing much trouble. Every child deserves to be loved. And when love is not given, it is not due to the child´s wrongdoing.

I think @The Albatross makes good point. No wonder contact with this person makes you feel miserably; he insults you, threatens your mom. This does not sound like somebody who wants to be given his final chance. This sounds more like someone thinking he can do whatever he likes to, without any concern for other people. I can not tell you what to do, but I want you to know that the way he treats you concerns me and I wish you were safe from any form of abuse. You are not obligated to stay in touch with him. You are not obligated to stay in touch with anyone causing you pain.

You wrote you feel bad for your sister, but not for yourself. I understand that and in fact, this is a very common reaction, when a child is abused. You are not worth anything less than your sister. You both are good people, you both were innocent children who did nothing wrong. Neither of you deserved to be hurt. Try to look at yourself the way you look at her - imagine her getting the same mean text messages as you did. What would your reaction be, if she were treated the same way as you are? Your value is not lessened and never will be.

I do not know how your country deals with stalking - but in mine , if someone contacts you despise the fact you tell this person not to do so, if he visits your house, gathers information about you, this person can be put to trial for this, or at least he will be forbidden to contact you, stay anywhere near your house, school, etc. The text messages serve as an evidence. If you and your mother are concerned about his messages, I would advise you to contact some organisation that offers help to victims of stalking. Perhaps you can ask other people here, who are from Australia, to give you some tips, if you were considering this option.

The thinh you wrote about books - I do the same thing. Which world is your favourite one? Mine is Middle-Earth. I used to live half of my life in it...

Hope this will help, somehow. Remeber, you are important and you needs should not be neglected. Not even by yourself. Especially not by yourself! :hug:

 

[seedling]

I don't want to make him feel bad

You can't make anyone feel anything. Others' feelings aren't our responsibility.

I guess I am just giving him his final chance

I honestly thought you meant giving him a final chance to rape you. That you felt powerless to stop contact with him and that he might take advantage of that by assaulting you again. Please, please protect yourself. There is no shame on you for wanting him to be a decent caring father, if he can't come up to that it may be better to let him go.

 

[ghotiff]

I try desperately to be a good kind person but not go unguarded. I don't want to make him feel bad for what he did if that sounds bad. i find it worse that he did it is my half sister than me. I guess I am just giving him his final chance

I "liked" this post not because I like it, but because I value you sharing something so important to you and allowing us the opportunity to help you.

You wrote "I try desperately to be a good kind person".
Me too. This in fact one of my core drivers in my life. I am learning over time to be kind to myself also.

You wrote "I don't want to make him feel bad for what he did"
I had two sexual abusers as a child and some other people who weren't healthy for me....the number of times and ways I put myself out to protect them is huge.
Sometimes you can know something in your brain, but not your heart. Do you know in your brain that he should feel bad and you have no requirement to stop or alleviate this?

You wrote "I find it worse that he did it is my half sister than me"
This is a very common feeling. As other posters have said: if you can give your self at least some of the compassion that you give her, you will likely find it helpful in your healing.

 

[ghotiff]

Regarding self soothing....

I'm still learning about it and about me, there are others here who know far more than I. My current definition is that self soothing is anything I do that I enjoy that I do only for me. It's things I "want" to do, rather than things I feel I "should" do.

My self soothing activities change depending on the day and how I'm feeling.

If I'm having a bad day, it's going to bed, snuggling with my doona and doing absolutely nothing. I then stay there until I feel "bored". I've learnt that I feel guilt about being "lazy" but this makes me get out of bed prematurely, so I'm waiting for boredom.
On a shocking day I'll hide in my wardrobe with a blanket and do the same thing.
I've learnt to refer to these moments as "meditating". I'm not meditating, but it's far more socially acceptable to meditate than to hide

On a more "normal" day, I'll read, draw, watch TV. I make sure to put these activities in throughout my day as it helps keep my general stress levels down.

There are lots of threads here on self soothing which you might find helpful.

 

[seedling]

I feel calmed when I sleep with my stuffed animals. Over the course of therapy I started to remember that I did that a lot as a kid. I had a pile of stuffed animals and would position them all around my head and shoulders.

And, now, it helps me to feel good to take my two little stuffed animals and hold one on each side of my head and neck. Especially if I cover my ears and the side of my face. Still amazing to me how it instantly gives me a certain calm/reassuring feeling.

I have gotten an embarrassed laugh out of my therapists at first when I've told them about this. But I can take that ok now, I'm not ashamed of it anymore and it's a useful tool. It's my time to tell the world what it takes ;).

If you can read like that and go elsewhere in your mind, that's great.

 

[Bella22]

To Bluebird and the Albatross thank you for your comments you have made me realise how dangerous this is. This is his last chance I will ever give him, I am being so cautious. Making sure to meet up in large public places, making sure to take a fully charged phone and a large spray deodrant can. Thank you. I always have had self esteem issues and seeing myself as an equal with people.

To Bluebird: my favourite worlds include that of Hogwarts, the hunger games, many John green books, the city of bones series and this one called the Lorien Legacy series. I have been promising myself to read the lord of the rings. I aim to tackle it these school holidays before finishing the game of thrones series. Also I have considered contacting the police over the text messages but always decided not too. After his blows this chance and if he contacts me I will do as you suggested. Thank you