How Do You Not Become Cold?

[Chava]

I think I often survive my loneliness with a wonderful sense of curiosity and lots of good projects. I do like people but have often found more reliable comfort in the ideas of writers or freedom of my own imagination. That stuff. But I also survive on my own, and my lack of ability to connect (or feeling like it doesn't work) by just feeling cold and a little "f*ck off" to the world. And I don't doubt that comes across to others. I'm totally willing to admit it's life-preserving sometimes because I don't have to feel all my sadness and disconnection. I really just disconnect and don't feel the pain. I read more, nerd out...

Not sure what I'm asking for...does it all come and go in waves and get better or does it just get worse over time? I think the awareness will matter. I guess I know the answer...that it can go either way. I don't want to become that cynical, cold, bitter woman who really just had to stop hurting. But I'm tired. I've been sick. Beyond five hours out of the hospital nobody called to see how I was doing (which affirms to me nobody really cares) and now just more shit I feel like I'm supposed to help colleagues solve, even though my own resources feel totally used up lately. So the "f*ck off" is coming out just to help me not feel, but also create some boundaries. I don't know how to get out of this cycle because it's just been like this...forever...

But I'll admit to you guys I'm sad, feel that a few seconds, like a human. Then find another (healthy) distraction. Hug my dog.

 

[Kayle]

I'm often lonely. I'm a nurse and a student. Always surrounded, interacting and helping people when I can. The isolation born from PTSD is one hell of a depression that's not easy to shake and definitely easy to trigger. You're not alone.

That didn't much answer your question though.. I have been living by the phrase "fake it til you make it".. it's worked well enough. Apathy sure is a....

 

[Deleted member 28740]

But I'll admit to you guys I'm sad, feel that a few seconds, like a human. Then find another (healthy) distraction. Hug my dog.

Best solution I have found.

Chava, it does not take a lot to make a good dog treat. Make some and give them out.

Bella's favorite is called Salmon Delight. I use Rye flour. She is my shield when I shut down and isolate. Rarely have met a dog and companion of that I could not chat and get the dog unconditional with to know the world is not totally hellish.

 

[Chava]

"fake it til you make it"..

doesn't work like it used to, but I know what you mean.

 

[Kayle]

doesn't work like it used to, but I know what you mean.

No, it doesn't.. I've learned that in the past few years.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not sure if you are venting or asking....here are my thoughts.

My approach is to be really clear and up front about what is and what is not important to me in a friendship and then filter strongly every person to see if they "fit". I don't waste my time with people who won't fit with my needs. I also have different friends for different needs (both mine and theirs).

For example I wouldn't think to call a friend after a hospital visit. But, if a friend specifically asked me to, I would, but they would have to ask me each time.

Finding these friends is time consuming though and best done through activities I would do anyway so I done notice the time and struggle.

 

[ghotiff]

So the "f*ck off" is coming out just to help me

My other feeling is to not judge your future on how you feel in this moment. Allow yourself your feelings and they will pass. This moment is not forever.
Sorry, that's my new mantra.