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I am so sorry you are struggling with this. It is really difficult to begin to allow yourself to remember things that are so horrific. I hope you can get some support to begin to work through this. I hope you can find someone to talk to about this whether it is your sister or someone professional.

I am really scared, I feel like what if I have mixed up and confused my memories and said things that were not true or that have been exaggerated? I worry a lot about other people not believing me because some things were just so f*cked up and I also sometimes don't believe myself. I especially...

Thank you for saying all this. It all makes a lot of sense. I am so so sorry you had experiences like that too. It is the shame you are right. And it is not your shame or mine to carry and yet it feels like that. I know my childhood was very different to that of my friends. I always thought...

it feels wrong to add a like reaction to this so I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I am really grateful to you for sharing because it has helped me to feel less alone. I am so very sorry. Thank you. I very very much feel and fear this. I have a constant fear and terror that I will...

I don't know if anyone will see this but I just feel like I really need to know that I wasn't the only person that this happened to because if feels so weird. Did anyone else have experiences of things they had as toys being used in the abuse like inside used in the abuse. I feel like I am so so...

Thank you. I am really struggling at the moment so I appreciate you saying this.

I just need to find out if I'm unusual or weird or if my experiences were weird. I find that I sometimes test things out here before I discuss anywhere else and I hope that's ok. I find a lot of childhood toys and things are a trigger or stressor for me because of the associations with them...

So someone said this to me - that you feel the world isn't safe but there are safe spaces - and I just don't really know if it is true? I get that I feel chronically unsafe and under threat and at risk and some of this is trauma but some of it is just a belief that people will not listen to me...

I struggle with this. You are not alone. Sometimes mechanical eating can help. Just eating on a schedule. Eating set things. Nutrition is obviously really important in taking care of yourself and staying as stable as possible. I do have a history of anorexia too so they are just linked for me...

There is a UK book called Breaking Free by Carolyn Ainscough. The authors are psychologists. I have read bits of it and found it a really good book that brings together diverse themes and draws on a lot of the same ideas as the body keeps the score but in a more broken down way. I haven't read...

I relate to this and I think it is really common. It is an attachment style and you can't just switch it off. It's like a consequence of what happened. You love her but there is a part of you wanting to protect you. That makes sense in the context you grew up. She may have changed and as an...

Like the lying on top kissing and sort of writhing about don't think that's normal. And the watching in the bath felt like I was being watched when I was uncomfortable with that like I was old enough to be aware and not like it. I used to have a lot of dreams about snakes in bed with me which...

Thank you for sharing this, it makes a lot of sense. I also agree with you that the behaviour you describe from your mum sounds like there is a motive there that is unusual and for her own gratification and that sort of narcissistic element of things. I know no privacy in some families is...

Yes so it's interesting that I got two different answers to this question which maybe shows how different views are on it. I guess I am the only person who can understand the motivation in my own family's situation. I also think the age I was means that I worry I didn't really understand what...

Just coming back to this as I remember more things. Is it inappropriate to go to the toilet in front of your child (a man and female child) whilst that child is in the bath? It used to happen a lot. I am starting to piece things together about my dad and I am just thinking he was really...

Yes it is. Thank you.

Thank you this is really helpful to have that experience of thinking in a child way normalised. Also to be clear I did mean my dad and me as a child so i am not talking about children experimenting together in what might be developmentally normal. I meant my dad when he was drunk and I was in...

So I just have a quick question really. Is lying on top of a child and sort of kissing and grinding (so they are underneath and you are on top) sexual abuse? I have a memory of my dad doing this which is a clear memory but confusing. I had other csa experiences which I know were that with...

OCD can cause some of the experiences you describe. Like ego dystonic thoughts - you don't want them or agree with them but they are there anyway. I agree it might be helpful to have a proper assessment with a therapist.

I'm glad the perspective was helpful for you. The kind of things you describe are damaging in their own right and I agree sometimes csa is the thing that people feel is 'worst' or most easily identifiable as 'wrong' (if you like) but often the more subtle things can be equally impactful.

This is on my mind again because I did tell my old T this and they did say they believed me but they also did say they were surprised because I hadn't given any indication of this. I appreciated the honesty but they also feel to me as though they didn't believe me or were doing the thing where...

Sorry if it's not helpful. Just another thought that throwing and catching or something that combines mental focus with physical activity may help. Hope you find what works for you.

Does mental grounding help? Counting, talking about something unrelated, describing what you can see? Or sensory like feeling your feet on the ground or describing the sensation of what you feel with your hands? Eg the chair is hard and cold. My therapist has done something called the flash...

If you are unwittingly blocking (which can happen if you have dissociation) then EMDR might not be the right fit for now. Or maybe adaptations need to be made to work with that. I'd discuss with your T. Don't be disheartened though. Different approaches work for different people. A lot of people...

I did discuss this with my therapist and he said that the processing is supposed to take the emotional intensity out of the memory so that I can process the memory and then we can do work on making sense of the impact once I am more able to engage with the memory of what happened without it...