Rose White
MyPTSD Pro
Where I’m at is that if I talk about my sexual desires with anyone (which I never do) then I believe I am grooming them.
This is a T issue. I am single for a few years and I don’t talk about my sexual desires with friends or coworkers because I would feel like a predator.
My T said she never felt like I was a predator or grooming. I told her I trust her to hold the boundaries but if I heard the words coming out of my mouth I would judge them to be grooming and I would get very angry at myself and stop talking.
I know that in my marriage and past relationships I dissociated during sex and did not communicate my desires or needs. My ex didn’t really care because he was mostly focused on his own desires and needs so that was a good fit for him.
But if I ever do date again and that person is somewhat healthy-ish mind, it would likely be frustrating for them to notice me dissociating and not talking about my desires.
Since my csa happened when I was a baby I have a belief that I’m a predator at my core because I can’t recreate that baby-caregiver attachment in order to heal my ability to trust anyone with my needs.
I wonder how I can work on exposing my desires to a trusted person without shutting down in anger and leaving.
Something good for me to remember is that when I first went to T I could only have trauma fantasies and it took me about two years to get rid of those and they are definitely gone. Now I fantasize about consent and attunement and encouragement.
So I know I can change. I wonder how small I can start. One time I asked T to ask me neutral questions about sexuality to help desensitize me. All she asked was how old I was when I got my period and I felt like I wanted to flip a desk because I was flooded with painful emotional flashbacks from that age. I said, that’s enough and we never returned.
T says I have to work harder at forgiving myself and using art to counter my tendency to shut down when talking or thinking about myself. Maybe I’m not strong enough yet.
Advice and support appreciated.
This is a T issue. I am single for a few years and I don’t talk about my sexual desires with friends or coworkers because I would feel like a predator.
My T said she never felt like I was a predator or grooming. I told her I trust her to hold the boundaries but if I heard the words coming out of my mouth I would judge them to be grooming and I would get very angry at myself and stop talking.
I know that in my marriage and past relationships I dissociated during sex and did not communicate my desires or needs. My ex didn’t really care because he was mostly focused on his own desires and needs so that was a good fit for him.
But if I ever do date again and that person is somewhat healthy-ish mind, it would likely be frustrating for them to notice me dissociating and not talking about my desires.
Since my csa happened when I was a baby I have a belief that I’m a predator at my core because I can’t recreate that baby-caregiver attachment in order to heal my ability to trust anyone with my needs.
I wonder how I can work on exposing my desires to a trusted person without shutting down in anger and leaving.
Something good for me to remember is that when I first went to T I could only have trauma fantasies and it took me about two years to get rid of those and they are definitely gone. Now I fantasize about consent and attunement and encouragement.
So I know I can change. I wonder how small I can start. One time I asked T to ask me neutral questions about sexuality to help desensitize me. All she asked was how old I was when I got my period and I felt like I wanted to flip a desk because I was flooded with painful emotional flashbacks from that age. I said, that’s enough and we never returned.
T says I have to work harder at forgiving myself and using art to counter my tendency to shut down when talking or thinking about myself. Maybe I’m not strong enough yet.
Advice and support appreciated.