Hi
@OliveJewel ,
I feel totally unqualified to answer this adequately, NOT because I don’t *nearly entirely* relate—only my God and a few *close* “chosen/safe” family members and my regular T know *just* how much I *DO* relate to this post—but because you’re a “MyPTSD Pro” and I’m *barely* just “Learning” in terms of status, for what it’s worth. So I feel totally unqualified to actually HELP, other than by empathizing! So if I’m unhelpful, triggering on any or all level(s), I truly apologize in advance. Also I have just in the past 9 days been diagnosed with DID/OSDD, and literally yesterday my T and I agreed it’s far closer to the DID end of that particular (DID—OSDD) spectrum, in addition to CPTSD. I had NO CLUE I had ANY csa trauma—except one VERY minor sexual abuse/non-r*** situation when I was 17 (and the man was twice my age and three times my size) which is above the Age of Consent in my state, which I had a VERY disproportionately strong “trauma “fawn” reaction to. My description of that single event and my subsequent dissociative reaction clued a former T (in my mid 20’s to mid 30’s, he turned out later to be a source of a LOT more psychological/mental/verbal/emotional trauma) into a likely history of csa. That when early on when he was still halfway decent but because most of my csa turned out to come (I strongly suspect) from my childhood T (who I saw weekly from 3-10 1/2, and again 13-14 after my first csa assault, that my parents still do not believe me about). So that former T in my 20’s and 30’s (10 years) was the first to suspect a history of csa but then refused to talk about hardly any of it and he was convinced I was “the worst case of schizophrenia he had ever seen” (I guess it was DID all along?? And comorbid CPTSD.)
*Sorry* for going so far into my story, my point was to illustrate that nearly *every* memory of csa prior to the age of consent in my state (16) (and *all* but 2 very specific and puzzling and upsetting, but definitely NOT traumatic memories of the entire time I was in therapy with that childhood T), are dissociated into “parts” called “Littles”, who will ONLY share with me their non-distinct body memories and moderate-severe nausea, that comes out of literally nowhere, when they are OUT and I am semi-aware of them but not in conscious or unconscious control of the body. I only visually remember a very few very *minor* (barely even traumatic) encounters with various “random” pedophiles, who did *next to nothing* to me on the grand scale of what I’ve seen/felt in flashbacks when I was in the bathroom after EMDR, which often causes flooding and retraumatization in people with undiagnosed DID. I no longer do EMDR.
(Basically, I don’t visually remember much of anything csa-related except quick snapshots that my conscious brain has retained from other parts’ flashbacks, before I knew I had parts. Which is a fair amount. And a lot of circumstantial evidence. And a TON of very distressing emotional/physical flashbacks with just a specific person’s face associated, when I’m myself and in full control of “the” (I hardly ever say “my”) body. None of my supposed abusers (csa) have ever been formally accused or prosecuted and I refuse because I can’t be 100% sure. Despite all the traumatizing nightmares with dream-invented stand-in abusers and non-visual flashbacks with specific rooms or faces associated. I digress again.) SO sorry! I am neurodivergent (severe ADHD, exacerbated at the moment, by being triggered by this topic—NO need to apologize whatsoever!!!—and *my own* anticipated response…)
However, what I’m really trying to say is I have hardly any conscious memories of csa throughout my childhood and adolescence, but SOMETHING(S) must’ve happened or I likely wouldn’t have as extreme a diagnosis as Dissociative Identity Disorder and the following additional and very distressing “symptoms”:
—I dissociate during sex and any sexual or intimate activity beyond fully clothed snuggling or quick pecks on my boyfriend’s lips, and become a (very) small child at times, or have floods of flashbacks. I flat out refuse to do anything more with him even though I’ve known him since January/February 2019, and we’ve been together twice, seriously, and this time for several months, and I’m wearing his promise ring and he’s wearing mine and we both consider ourselves “taken for life” and fully intend to have a real family together even if it’s just the two of us. Pushed that boundary for like 2-3 days and literally just open mouth kissed him and a little more intimate snuggling (ALL intimacy *neck and up*) and let’s just say it did not end well for me and my parts…and we both decided to take about 10 huge steps backwards in terms of our physical relationship but *not* our romantic relationship. Let me just say this man is one of the THE TWO safest (straight) men I know, the other being my “safe/chosen Dad”.
—I refuse to have children of my own or possibly even adopt or foster any age children, even though my boyfriend and I are quite serious and have talked about starting a family.
—I often refuse to even look at children under the age of literally 21 (not exaggerating! And yes, I know you’re technically an adult from 18-21…) or go anywhere near even my very beloved niece and nephew (7 and 5, both ages when I *suspect* I was being regularly and repeatedly abused by—likely—my childhood T), because ***I’M TERRIFIED I’M A PREDATOR/PEDOPHILE***
—I have had serious talks with my 7 (then 6) year old niece (my nephew has significant developmental and language delays, due to Autism, so not with him yet) about “Your body is YOURS and NOBODY, not ANYBODY, not me or anyone, is allowed to touch you in ANY way you don’t like NO MATTER WHAT. ‘NO, I don’t like that’ is ALWAYS OK to say to adults when it comes to YOUR own body, and the same goes for everyone, do you understand?” (And yet I’m *still* terrified to go near her or her brother except occasionally to hug them “hello” or “goodbye”!)
—I have NEVER babysat in my entire life including my only blood sibling who is my 11 years-younger brother, not have I EVER changed a diaper because every single time I have been in my brother’s changing room when he was getting his diaper changed—“necessary touch”—I would involuntarily visualize myself “doing bad things” to him and I was beyond disgusted with myself.
—I am just generally terrified of being a predator or worse a pedophile and have been since a young age, at most 11 or even younger. I “did stuff” to my baby doll when I was little (probably re-enacting what was done to me), plus I decided at 3 (I DO remember this) that my baby doll was a “bad baby” and would beat her and physically assault her (I was NEVER physically hit or beaten, that is the one type of abuse I have never experienced, for sure. I’m pretty sure 3 is when the serious csa started but there may have been earlier stuff. I or someone else inside “the” body have had one strange random flashback that I remember a tiny bit of, of strangers changing my diaper in a hospital (I was definitely potty trained by 2 1/2, I was also hospitalized for 5 days at ~2) and doing stuff to me while my diaper was off. But I’m pretty sure that isn’t real/is fake/made up because how could I even remember that early?
Anyway, sorry this is so long and probably triggering. (My pastor who has been in my life for 7+ years and who is trustworthy and gentle and compassionate, also knows this fear of mine. She is a trauma survivor herself has told me that she always has one eye out for ALL children, women, and any other vulnerable people in the church, and the other eye out for ANYONE who could POSSIBLY be unsafe in any way, and IF she thought I was unsafe in any way, she would require me to be constantly supervised on church grounds by a safe and reliable adult. BUT that I DO NOT set off her “unsafe”, “predator”, or “potential pedophile” radar at ALL. When I still didn’t believe her, she said “If you were *actually* a pedophile/predator, YOU WOULD NOT be worried about it!” Fair enough.) I have made similar posts to yours on other CPTSD boards and gotten responses that these fears are much more common among csa survivors than most people are willing to own up to.
Therefore, I would say you are DEFINITELY NOT A PREDATOR. Or you wouldn’t be worried about it. I’d also commend your *bravery* and *courageousness* for being SO vulnerable and posting this post and not deleting it!!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, even in these HORRIBLE feelings. I’m right there with you. And I know I myself have a *LOT* more work to do on this specific topic…eventually. **safe hugs** We’re both going to be ok…someday.
)) Now it’s “only” the aspects of friendship that cozy up to / are a part of sex.
