i am having trouble figuring out where to start but i guess i'll start at the beginning where it all began. my daddy left us when i was 2, he would say he was coming to pick me up and i would pack my little suitcase and sit for hours on the steps waiting for my everything to come...he didn't come most times so i think thats where the depression started. after daddy left i became really close(i always was anyways) to my memere. she was everything and she died when i was 13. i was alone after that, my stepfather hated me and let me know it daily...he mentally abused me bad-not too much physical but i think i would have rather been hit. i thought about killing myself daily. i thought the only way for anyone to care about me was if i had sex with them...eww.
i had been sexually abused by a neighbor(i didn't remember it until later on)and i was messed up royally in the head...i started drinking heavily when i was 16. i ran away with a friend at 16 and somehow ended up with my biological father(my dream finally came true) i thought that everything was going to be ok now...he had me hooked on crank hard core in california, next we were in alaska, he part owned a carnival...next i was up for days at a time with him, my daddy and bestfriend. hooked on coke and speed and drinking constantly, i was 17 and having the time of my life (i thought). one night i woke up and he was all over me in bed he chased me down for hours until i escaped...gun or door i chose door, thank god, i left on foot in the middle of alaskan winter...gang raped some time later by at least 8 guys, i blocked that out for a long time-years-some time later( i say sometime later alot because alot of time i have blocked out things and time doesn't have much meaning to me back then. well i ended up back home with my mother and i slashed my wrist..i almost died and from that moment on i swore that NOBODY would ever hurt me again, and for over 10 years noone did. until my son was born with apnea and almost died. everything i had ever felt up to that point and all the tears i never cried washed over me instantly and life as i knew it was over. 3-4 long years later, lots of xanax and anything else that would numb me i was finally diagnosed with ptsd. that was 8 years ago, now i am on permanent soc.sec. disability. and life sucks...
i had been sexually abused by a neighbor(i didn't remember it until later on)and i was messed up royally in the head...i started drinking heavily when i was 16. i ran away with a friend at 16 and somehow ended up with my biological father(my dream finally came true) i thought that everything was going to be ok now...he had me hooked on crank hard core in california, next we were in alaska, he part owned a carnival...next i was up for days at a time with him, my daddy and bestfriend. hooked on coke and speed and drinking constantly, i was 17 and having the time of my life (i thought). one night i woke up and he was all over me in bed he chased me down for hours until i escaped...gun or door i chose door, thank god, i left on foot in the middle of alaskan winter...gang raped some time later by at least 8 guys, i blocked that out for a long time-years-some time later( i say sometime later alot because alot of time i have blocked out things and time doesn't have much meaning to me back then. well i ended up back home with my mother and i slashed my wrist..i almost died and from that moment on i swore that NOBODY would ever hurt me again, and for over 10 years noone did. until my son was born with apnea and almost died. everything i had ever felt up to that point and all the tears i never cried washed over me instantly and life as i knew it was over. 3-4 long years later, lots of xanax and anything else that would numb me i was finally diagnosed with ptsd. that was 8 years ago, now i am on permanent soc.sec. disability. and life sucks...
