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Sufferer 14 years of hell - Social Anxiety, Bullying, & Neglect

Phoenix2023

New Here
My social anxiety started at 8 years old and slowly got worse over time until 18. My dad was someone who thought anxiety is something you brush aside and was not a believer in meds emotionally and medically neglected me for 10 years. I did see a therapist but because my dad said it had to be covered by insurance and it had to be outside of school hours it limited the amount of quality therapists that I did not receive. When my social anxiety was at its peak, I vomited in the bathroom before going to class and was nervous of the teacher doing role call. Me being bullied on and off because I was anxious and small did not help matters at all. Couple weeks before college started, my parents finally took me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as being depressed and prescribed me meds but due to the years of traumatic events it of course wasn't enough. I thought college was going to be my clean slate and I did eventually join a frat my second semester but COVID hit and I was so distraught. My most intense battles with mental health were at college due to being a full time student and trial and error of treatment after treatment that didn't work. Eventually being at the college and at home were too much for me because it reminded me too much of bad times. I eventually studied abroad since I wanted to get credit and I had to be away from those environments. It was the only alternative at the time. When I did come home I tried IV ketamine which had a positive domino effect with where I am today. After 4 months of that and the prescribed ketamine spray I just felt like I needed to find out once and for all if I had PTSD of some sorts. I asked for a screening and I did have it. For the next 2 weeks I was devastated. I knew I had PTSD of some sorts but I did not want to accept it for a couple years since it felt silly to say "I had PTSD in a place where most of my friends and everybody really thrived and found their belonging". I went to a secondary school (middle school + high school combined) in Northern Virginia (NOVA) ( a rich county in US) and so formal events included taking a trip to the capitol or going to Tysons Corner. Every medical professional I talked to from high school counselor to psychiatrists never suggested I get a ptsd screening ever. They just acknowledged that I was traumatized. I was also feeling more "numb"/ depressed than anything else during those college years. Looking back, I understand I had it because of the anxiety combined with the bullying and neglect. I eventually found a treatment better than the IV ketamine and a therapist that clicked. I am doing a lot better now at age 22 and have been off the meds for quite some time now.

I do feel lonely in the sense of no one can relate to me especially in the Northern Virginia (NOVA) area. Like I said, I feel 99% of students found their belonging, had good outlets, and for sure didn't have the traumatic experiences I had at school and at home. I still suffer from some intrusive thoughts and although my dad has admit his mistakes, I'm just not ready to forgive him due to the duration of neglect (10 years). I've had good friends who supports me but it's just nice to know someone who could relate to you (at least for the most part). I am 95% there but I still struggle to some degree with self-forgiveness due to not getting the ptsd screening sooner and therefore not getting the treatment sooner.

Any thoughts? I've already beaten myself up more than I can count so maybe some words of encouragements would be appreciated.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced throughout your life, but I want to applaud you for your resilience in seeking help and making progress on your healing journey. It takes a lot of strength to acknowledge and address the impact of traumatic experiences.

It's normal to feel lonely and believe that no one can understand what you've been through, especially when it seems like those around you have had different experiences. However, I want to assure you that there are others who can relate to your struggles and empathize with your feelings.

Joining peer-to-peer communities, like myptsd.com, can be incredibly beneficial in finding that sense of belonging and connection. Engaging with individuals who have experienced similar challenges can provide support and validation, making you feel less alone in your journey.

Additionally, it's important to remember that forgiveness is a personal process, and there is no specific timeline for it. It's understandable that you may still have reservations about forgiving your father due to the extent of neglect you experienced. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself the time and space to heal at your own pace.

I encourage you to continue working with your therapist and exploring different resources that can aid in your recovery. Seeking professional help is crucial when dealing with PTSD, and it's great to hear that you've found a therapist and treatment that work for you.

Remember, healing is not a linear process, and setbacks can occur. However, with the right support from professionals and a community that understands you, you are on the path towards healing and growth. Keep pushing forward, and don't hesitate to reach out to the myptsd.com community for additional guidance and support.

You've come a long way, and I believe in your ability to continue making progress. Take care of yourself, and know that you're not alone in your journey.
 
I'm glad you've gotten this far and I'm very glad you've found these forums.

If it helps any, college isn't for everyone. Most of my friends in college ended up dropping out due to their own personal lives, or because they realized it wasn't for them and they were just there for the fun, etc.

It's no use comparing your life to the lives of others. If the other students had been in your shoes, they would also be struggling like you -- not to mention they likely do have struggles of their own that you just can't see.

You did great in taking some power back and getting the screening. PTSD can be a devastating diagnosis to many, but once you've had the time you need to grieve what you feel you could have had had you not been neglected -- or even WHILE you grieve, you'll have the ability to start to actually heal and become happy with your progress and accomplishments.

Welcome and I hope you get all the support you need here ❤️ That's personally been one of my favorite things about being an adult, is I can go get the care I need now with much less drama :)
 
Welcome to the forum! Loads of people with ptsd make it to the point where they’re symptom-free, so getting a diagnosis is a good thing, because it helps you understand exactly what all the struggles have been about, and the types of treatments that will work most effectively:)
 
Like I said, I feel 99% of students found their belonging, had good outlets, and for sure didn't have the traumatic experiences I had at school and at home.
As (conservatively, numbers vary tremendously) 1:7 children are abused or neglected each year, 1:4 girls & 1:6 boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18, so roughly 20-25% of adults were abused as children?

- Fast Facts: Preventing Child Abuse & Neglect |Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC. CDC
- Child maltreatment WHO
- Children and Teens: Statistics | RAINN RAINN

((And that’s not even touching on children who’ve lost a parent or sibling -or suddenly lost a loved one to violence- or have been orphaned altogether, suffered profound medical trauma (leukemia to car accidents and everything in between), refugees or immigrants from countries at war or in famine or police states, natural disasters, terrorism, gang violence, riots, etc.?)

And let’s not forget the 1:5 children being bullied,

You’re not as alone as you feel.

Welcome to the community 🤠
 
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