Phoenix2023
New Here
My social anxiety started at 8 years old and slowly got worse over time until 18. My dad was someone who thought anxiety is something you brush aside and was not a believer in meds emotionally and medically neglected me for 10 years. I did see a therapist but because my dad said it had to be covered by insurance and it had to be outside of school hours it limited the amount of quality therapists that I did not receive. When my social anxiety was at its peak, I vomited in the bathroom before going to class and was nervous of the teacher doing role call. Me being bullied on and off because I was anxious and small did not help matters at all. Couple weeks before college started, my parents finally took me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as being depressed and prescribed me meds but due to the years of traumatic events it of course wasn't enough. I thought college was going to be my clean slate and I did eventually join a frat my second semester but COVID hit and I was so distraught. My most intense battles with mental health were at college due to being a full time student and trial and error of treatment after treatment that didn't work. Eventually being at the college and at home were too much for me because it reminded me too much of bad times. I eventually studied abroad since I wanted to get credit and I had to be away from those environments. It was the only alternative at the time. When I did come home I tried IV ketamine which had a positive domino effect with where I am today. After 4 months of that and the prescribed ketamine spray I just felt like I needed to find out once and for all if I had PTSD of some sorts. I asked for a screening and I did have it. For the next 2 weeks I was devastated. I knew I had PTSD of some sorts but I did not want to accept it for a couple years since it felt silly to say "I had PTSD in a place where most of my friends and everybody really thrived and found their belonging". I went to a secondary school (middle school + high school combined) in Northern Virginia (NOVA) ( a rich county in US) and so formal events included taking a trip to the capitol or going to Tysons Corner. Every medical professional I talked to from high school counselor to psychiatrists never suggested I get a ptsd screening ever. They just acknowledged that I was traumatized. I was also feeling more "numb"/ depressed than anything else during those college years. Looking back, I understand I had it because of the anxiety combined with the bullying and neglect. I eventually found a treatment better than the IV ketamine and a therapist that clicked. I am doing a lot better now at age 22 and have been off the meds for quite some time now.
I do feel lonely in the sense of no one can relate to me especially in the Northern Virginia (NOVA) area. Like I said, I feel 99% of students found their belonging, had good outlets, and for sure didn't have the traumatic experiences I had at school and at home. I still suffer from some intrusive thoughts and although my dad has admit his mistakes, I'm just not ready to forgive him due to the duration of neglect (10 years). I've had good friends who supports me but it's just nice to know someone who could relate to you (at least for the most part). I am 95% there but I still struggle to some degree with self-forgiveness due to not getting the ptsd screening sooner and therefore not getting the treatment sooner.
Any thoughts? I've already beaten myself up more than I can count so maybe some words of encouragements would be appreciated.
I do feel lonely in the sense of no one can relate to me especially in the Northern Virginia (NOVA) area. Like I said, I feel 99% of students found their belonging, had good outlets, and for sure didn't have the traumatic experiences I had at school and at home. I still suffer from some intrusive thoughts and although my dad has admit his mistakes, I'm just not ready to forgive him due to the duration of neglect (10 years). I've had good friends who supports me but it's just nice to know someone who could relate to you (at least for the most part). I am 95% there but I still struggle to some degree with self-forgiveness due to not getting the ptsd screening sooner and therefore not getting the treatment sooner.
Any thoughts? I've already beaten myself up more than I can count so maybe some words of encouragements would be appreciated.