15 Years In Therapy And I'm Still Struggling

[KateG]

Hello, I'm new to this forum. I have PTSD, but I am having trouble knowing the reasons for it. When I was in my late 30's I realised I had no memories of my life before age 12 or 13, which frightened me to the extent that I eventually sought out a psychologist. I have been in therapy for the past 15 years and have remembered a lot of my childhood (which was physically and emotionally abusive), but I still have a blanks from age 4 to 7.

I still have an enormous terror in me which is still causing panic attacks, the worst one landing me in the Accident & Emergency Dept of my local hospital 2 years ago, convinced I was dying. I believe these attacks come from those times I can't remember, rather than from the abuses I endured that I have since remembered. I have a timeline which is quite constant from early childhood (even to being a baby playing in the pot cupboard!) to now (I'm 57) with something terrible happening around the age of 4 or so.

Is there anyone who has been in therapy this long? Ought I to be well aware by now and have had the blanks filled in?

Any comments much appreciated.

Kate

 

[Deleted member 541]

With repressed memories it can be tough. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 15, I am now 55. I still don't have full memory of my childhood either. I just stopped therapy a few months ago, and I am thinking of returning again....


I think that for those of us, that don't have full recall of our lives/trauma that it's an ongoing battle to find the answers/truth, and it can take years and years......

 

[liv now]

Hi. I am new here too. I agree with She Cat. repressed memories can be tough. It can take years to remember and even then some of them may never surface. I have been in intensive therapy for most of my adult life. I am sure there are things I still don't remember about my childhood. I tried to force myself to remember but have realised my mind is protecting me and I just have to wait til I am ready. not sure if this is relevant for you.
I used to feel a failure for having been in therapy for so long and not remembering everything and not being "healed". But now I look at how far I've come and what I have learnt and owned. For me I was not used to feeling things so when I started having repressed memories come up I had no idea what was happening and I thought I was going to die. Now that I understand what is happening it has got easier. I know that these feelings will pass and I know that they are about the past. I tell myself I am safe now and am not going to die I am just remembering something that happened in my childhood that I have never felt safe owning. anyway this is just my perspective. Welcome!!

 

[heather q]

Kate,

I am also about your age, I'm missing several years but I don't know how much, different times it seems, my first memories are from kindergarten then again after kindergarten it's missing. This makes me feel bad admitting to it, I've been in therapy several times but I feel this time I've beginning to see the light about what happened, rapes and a car accident brought the old stuff up, but it's not up to work with, so there seems to be a lot of unknown.

It's uncomfortable but knowing about PTSD has helped a lot, writing here about it helps, you're on the right track and it's ok to be in therapy my T estimated two years I think, I thought 6 months, now I think more like five years, I am realizing that this is not a simple fix, there is a lot to understand and it seems the more I discover the less I realize I know. I think I started out with panic attacks which were very scary but not I am more aware of what triggers me, most of the time, to a certain extent I'm better but in a way I feel worse, strange sort of situation.

Glad you're here,
Heather

 

[Grama-Herc]

Kate

I do know exactly how you feel in every sense of the word. Almost all of my life is a blank. Big memories-weddings-childbirth-graduation-sister--My life is a blank.

My T. told me that the memories would return when my body and mind KNEW it was ready to handle the information. He also said I may never get the lost memories back and that was alright!

I was put in hospital and medicated and given therapy all so I could learn to manage my self when the attacks come on. I was not cured. I was educated. That made so much difference to me.

I have been able to accept this missing info much better now with the skills and meds I have. The more I accept this and stop worrying about what "monsters are under my bed" the less stress there is in my life.

I hope you can find peace by letting go of the worry about the missing parts of your life. Yes, easier said than done. I still fight with this, just not as much

 

[KateG]

Oh, shit! I've remembered.

It wasn't just the rape - he put my older brother's sox in my mouth and I couldn't breathe. My lungs were exploding, my head was exploding and I was dying.

The ***shit was killing me.

Kate.

 

[BethRSA]

It's been 11 years since my rape and I've been for ongoing counselling for 2 stretches of time, 1 intense 3 week counselling, etc.

What I've seen for myself is that at least now I know what is happening to me when the triggers come. I don't think that I'm crazy any more. As I dealt and worked through several triggers, they don't bother me any more. I'm still working through/learning to cope through the most difficult ones.

So, what I can say is that 15 years is OK. You are working on getting stronger-that's the main thing.