Supporter 2:30am And At A Loss How To Reason With My Husband

[mumof2]

Hi,

So it's 2:30am, and my husband with PTSD is still downstairs listening to music on a loop. he has at least for it got it turned down so I'm barely able to hear it, but I'm at the end of my tether with 2am every single night and later on a bad day. Apparently I'm completely unreasonable not to just accept this. The kids will be up at 7:30am and I'm always too tired to be a good parent to them and get up and dressed with them. I work, but tonight I've had his old favourite 'pay some rent' spat at me when I refused to leave at 2:15am.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

I'm a bit confused... What needs reasoning?

 

[Tkitty]

I sometimes do this. Well It makes me feel. The song I cant fix you (living tombstone) makes me feel about my hurt. I dont feel without it sometimes. It is therapeutic and i go through phases listening to other songs. On really bad days I'll listen to stuff on a loop, it helps me get the anger fustration and sadness out without lashing out at my family. I suggest getting him an ipod with headphones. Tell him to do something while listening tomusic. He could clean, or make art, or work on cars what ever keeps him busy. When im upset I'll listen to my favorite songs and get the house cleaner. It took a while to learn how to do this while feeling, but I find I can feel and get chores done. It used to drive my hubby crazy but one he saw me trying to be productive while listening to emo music he let it go. This really helped because I felt at the time only the song understood my inner turmoil. Its just a phase, which can last a while, but I wouldnt stop him, he is probably feeling something that he cant express with words.

 

[mumof2]

That having music on at 2:30am isn't fair on other people. His late nights every night are causing me huge problems because I am sleep deprived, but he can't see past his own needs at the moment. I'm so tired and making no sense, I know. I just need him to listen about this one.

 

[Tkitty]

I get it, I do that. I started taking melotonin , I take two a day at eight pm. I dont sleep till midnight but its better than keeping everyone until 3am which i used to do when I was hyper aware. The ipod and headphones would keep you from hearing it. I would try talking to him and be sympathetic but insist that you need sleep, so that you can function better. Maybe try to meet him halfway. He can have his music, somewhere you cant hear and you get to sleep. My therapist told me that it was best to compromise. I agreed to take a sleep aid (natural sleep aid) and my husband would help me sleep by putting on white noise and helping me commit to a routine (which at the time was scary for me). One suggestion she made was sleeping separate in the same bed but a different times, until the phase ended and I got used to taking a sleep aid.

I suggest you ask him to let you nap before you talk to him. I know that annoying to ask, but sometimes if you agree on a time it can help him feel like hes not alone. Sleep deprivation can make people overreact and get in a fight. I've been on both ends and sometimes when im angry i say mean things that i wouldn't normally say.
If its really extreme, I suggest therapy. Sometimes a neutral ground will help both of you see each other needs clearly. I know its hard, just hang in there.
I dont mean to sound preachy, Im a mom of two too so i understand your struggle a little bit.

 

[Tkitty]

Oh i forgot to say, he might be sleep deprived to. the first time I took a sleep aid that was natural l( 3mg melotonin) I feel asleep in like thirty mins.

 

[Friday]

Insomnia (and other symptoms) aren't reasonable... Would that they were, but no amount of wishing/wanting/talking/sense will make them stop (same way you can't just grow legs as an amputee because you want them, or speak sternly to your pancreas and no longer be a diabetic)... But the music is. Headphones* for him, or earplugs for you.

Same token, I was a single mom for a long time, which in a lot of ways was easier than when I was married and I "should" have had help, but didn't. As a single mom I knew I was on my own, and has my ass covered 6 ways from Sunday. While married, however, I often fell into the trap of not taking practical steps to deal with reality, because of what I was imagining getting in the way of taking those step. One of the things I've learned in my own life is that "should" is usually nonsense. Dealing what is, on the other hand, gives me tools. So If I'm getting off work at 3am, only to be up with the kids at 6am? 2 hours of sleep a night is only manageable for a very limited period of time. I think I managed it for about 3 or 4 months before I called in the calvary (aka signed the kiddos up for daycare).

Dealing with disabilities often just means we have to change lives around. Whether that's ramps for wheelchairs, or hiring extra childcare during periods of insomnia.

* Headphones don't work if the person is using the vibrations to calm down &/or lower their heart rate. But the car speakers work just as well, to press up against. Unfortunately, cars aren't always available.

 

[Fadeaway]

As long as you can't hear the music, it is a non issue. Insomnia sucks. Nothing worse than being forced to lie in bed in the dark unable to sleep.

I use ear buds, but going to bed at the same time as my husband is something unlikely to ever happen.

 

[Sideways]

I play certain songs on repeat for hours as a coping mechanism when I'm not well. The repetition can induce a dissociative state, which makes me emotionally numb. So aside from insomnia, it may be a sign of distress, rumination, and an urge to cope by avoiding the thoughts and feelings altogether.

That's not an excuse - just a potential reason. I agree with the above, that disability requires people to adapt their behaviour, and it cuts both ways. We're allowed to communicate to others thaat their coping strategy is unhealthy for us, even if that person is in distress. Good communication is key.

Hope you get some sleep soon. PTSD tends to come with sleeping problems as standard, but so does being a supporter, and you may find some great tips on the forum.

 

[mumof2]

Thank you for all your replies, there's some things in there that I hadn't considered before which might help.

Please don't think that I'm unsympathetic towards my husband; while there is no way I can understand what he is going through, I realise that it is huge and overwhelming and not subject to reason in the normal way.

He is supposed to be working towards a more reasonable routine (a move suggested by his therapist) but is resistant to it. I'm also not entirely sure it is insomnia, more a habit of late nights that developed when his nightmares were much worse that he can't/won't break - when he does make it to bed earlier he's usually asleep before me! The biggest issue is his habit of putting the music on speakers even though he has headphones right beside him, even though he knows that it keeps me awake. I can't wear earplugs, I need to be able to hear my kids if they wake in the night.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Thank the lord my partner is a heavy sleeper. I creep around at night on my tippy toes and I always use my headphones but still sometimes wake him up by mistake. I feel pretty bad about that but it does seem like your partner is being a bit selfish here.

There's some excellent supporter threads on setting boundaries here may be worth a look. It's fair enough if he's struggling with insomnia to not lie in bed and stare at the wall but he need to be respectful of you and the kids needs. Earphones seems like an easy fix for that.

Anyway welcome to the forums I hope you find the support you need here. :hug: