Sexual Assault 2010

[Pixielicious]

I think that's when my 'breaking point' began. My mom lived abroad and I here in the UK.
My relationship with my mom was always strained. I was like a sister more than a daughter. There was something about me that she couldn't love like she loved all my younger 7 siblings who are all my half brothers and sisters. I grew up thinking it was all my fault. That I was unlovable.
Ever since I can remember, I've always been able to sense, hear and know things about people. This used to freak my mom out because she was a Christian.
I've never seen my biological father, I don't even know his name, only that he was Spanish.
I had 3 stepfathers growing up.
As I grew up into an adult, my moms story about my origin kept changing and I knew she was hiding something. Our relationship became strained, I was her advisor in everything, eventually I moved away from all my family and cut contact with them.
Come 2010, I had a name for a freak like me. An Empath. Me and her had fallen out. But I was told by my spirit guides, yes you read right lol, that she was dieing and to make amends with her before she died.
So 2010 we started to email and skype.
And through email I confronted her. I simply wrote.
I understand now. You was raped wasn't you?
She kept denying it, but she broke down and finally admitted it. She'd been raped on a night out and had sworn to take it to her grave. She never wanted to hurt me. She then opened up and told me she was scared of my ability to 'read into things' and these two things prevented her from getting close to me. This is where we apologised and forgave each other.
I couldn't tell her she was dying, I just couldn't. So I simply said "mom, you've got to go to the drs. You're not well"
And I now know that all this is, where my breaking point for PTSD began.
She went to the drs. Three months later she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer though she'd stopped smoking 6yrs earlier.
She died peacefully in her sleep in May 2011...And That's when my spiral of self destruction began.
I loved my mom, but I loved her more for at least trying to love me. She could have aborted me or given me up for adoption. But she didn't. She tried her best.
But I still yearn for that Love she found so difficult to give to me. I miss her so much.
I've got nothing to lose by writing this for all to see.
But it's killing me to write it... Crying My eyes out here..

So there it is. I'm a woman conceived through rape.

 

[Pixielicious]

My moms death is the first and only death I've ever experienced.
And I've never been to a funeral. Ever. I was waiting for my passport to arrive and be sorted. It was three months after her death that I finally managed to get to her grave...

 

[LaceySA]

I think that's when my 'breaking point' began. My mom lived abroad and I here in the UK.
My relation...

I can't imagine that. I don't even know what to say. I'm thinking about how your mom really must have had some feelings about what happened to her and how you came to be that prevented her from giving you what you needed. How aweful.

 

[Pixielicious]

I can't imagine that. I don't even know what to say. I'm thinking about how your mom really must have h...

I wanted the truth, I got it. But I wasn't prepared for the pain it bought with it.
She was a kind, gentle, quiet person... I on The other hand was/is fiery Tempremental and rebellious....When she died 150 people attended her funeral, that's how much she was loved. She never spoke badly against anybody, always forgave everyone who harmed her. A real follower of Christ. I saw things done to her when I was a child, things no child should ever see.

 

[Silver.]

In 1996, I lost both of my parents (I was 18). I have missed my mother so much throughout the years, because there are always events that you want a mother there. Navigating this world is so-damned-hard without a mother to guide you.

Do you feel like you didn't get proper closure when your mother died because you didn't go to the funeral?
*hugs*

 

[Pixielicious]

In 1996, I lost both of my parents (I was 18). I have missed my mother so much throughout the years, be...

Not so much the funeral.... I Was prevented from going to her funeral.
But the fact that I couldn't hug her.
7 yrs before that, she came over to visit me.
But I was angry with her. And the last time I saw her was when she got on the train.

I couldn't hug her.
Even though I KNEW it would be the last time I'd ever see her face to face. I couldn't forgive her for some of the things she'd done to me. And let others do to me. She turned a blind eye to what was happening to me when I was a child. Like everyone else on this planet she wasn't perfect either.

It's the biggest regret of my life. Not hugging her and telling her just how much I truly loved her.

And this is why I try my best to forgive people....But Boy am I grateful for the chance in 2010 to make up with her.....That is the only comforting thing I have.

 

[LaceySA]

In 1996, I lost both of my parents (I was 18). I have missed my mother so much throughout the years, be...

My father died when I was 18 as well. My mother was never very kind to me. When I was younger, I felt like she couldn't stand to look at me. In an emotional sense. I think it's because I was molested and she was too. She felt guilty and she knew too well what it did to me. She couldn't deal with her own hurt, let alone mine.

Anyway, we're talking about Faeriefire. I just want to say that I understand the loss of parents, both alive and dead. I feel for you both.

 

[LaceySA]

Not so much the funeral.... I Was prevented from going to her funeral.
But the fact that I couldn't...

When I last saw my dad, I knew it was the last time too. We had had a big fight and never made up, but I couldn't say a word even though I knew it was my last chance.

 

[Pixielicious]

My father died when I was 18 as well. My mother was never very kind to me. When I was younger, I felt l...

It's ok... Everyone can share whatever they want.

And thank you for sharing :hug:

 

[Pixielicious]

I nev

In 1996, I lost both of my parents (I was 18). I have missed my mother so much throughout the years, be...

I never had a nurturing mother.

I was the mother.

I was /am the eldest of 8...guess who had to babysit etc?

I was also her mentor, her advisor, her sister.

I was never really her 'child', does that make sense?

I'm thinking that, this was her way of coping with the rape she endured. And I of course was a constant reminder of it.

 

[Silver.]

I have two older sisters that got the attention of both of my parents. I was a bit of an afterthought growing up.
(there was a journal as well, where it said as such. Also, my sisters confirm this and and one is still trying to make up for it)

Anyhoo, I try to live by the motto "they just didn't know". Parents of our generations, there weren't resources out there for them. (except Dr. Spock). There wasn't online everything, no social media to talk with other mothers etc. They were navigating off what they grew up with and trying to cope without the support that there is out there now.
I would like to think they did their best "not knowing" (if this makes sense?)

 

[Pixielicious]

Y

I have two older sisters that got the attention of both of my parents. I was a bit of an afterthought g...

Yup, it sure does make sense :).... My mom told me in 2010 that she blamed herself for some of the things that happened during my adulthood. I was genuinely surprised, because it never even crossed my mind she'd think like that.
You don't know what your parents feel unless they open up to you.....I was blessed to have the chance to reconcile with her in 2010.
I really believe that had I not listened to my Guides, yes you read that correctly again lol, I would be consumed by sorrow and guilt now.

I don't blame her for anything at all now. I truly forgave her. It's not her fault she got raped.