21 Months Out From Heartbreak

[HatingTheDarkPlace]

I'm here because I've never had normal memories. My memories, all fifty years worth, have always been a series of astonishingly realistic flashbacks. I don't have the ability to just reminisce, or have fond memories of something or someone: I re-live the moment. Always have.

I got used to living with flashbacks when I was a kid, and have over the years learned to manage them with various distractions: jobs, babies, hobbies. However, 21 months ago I underwent a traumatic event that left me reeling: anguished, depressed, and suicidal. My beloved husband of six years-- my best friend and soul mate-- shocked me by asking for a divorce and leaving me on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, never to be seen again. For 21 months I've been plagued by a constant stream of flashbacks from our life together. I try to stay distracted but every one of my five senses trigger flashbacks that paralyze me.

I hope to find some sort of answers here. I don't want to let my flashbacks steal the rest of my life away.

 

[purple butterfly]

I hope you get the support you need here,.there are lots of compassionate people.

 

[intothelight]

Hi HatingTheDarkPlace,

Welcome to the forum. To have intrusive thoughts that disrupt life on a daily basis is very difficult to cope with. Your introduction did not indicate if you have been seeing a therapist or if they had diagnosed you with PTSD. The statement is not meant to be intrusive; but helpful, as it is important to seek professional help when day-to-day life is so disrupted in order to start a plan towards healing.

Please take time to look around and read. There is a lot of helpful information on how to handle flashbacks and tools for grounding.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[cherryblossom]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I just wondered if you have been diagnosed with PTSD? Although this forum has great information, and a can be a great support network, we always recommend getting professional help too. Do you have a therapist, or someone else in real life that you can discuss your flashbacks with?

Whilst I'm not disputing your symptoms, or that you have been through a very difficult and traumatic time, you might find reading the following, with regards to PTSD useful
[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/what-is-traumatic-enough-for-ptsd.13846/[/DLMURL]

Regards
Cherryblossom

 

[HatingTheDarkPlace]

Good morning, thank you for your kind responses.

I sought treatment from a psychiatrist, 2 - 4 times a month for one year following my exile from my home. That included, of course, talk therapy and various trials of medications. I found my p-doc's office to be a safe place and was always compliant with the medications he tried for me, but question his success with me. In October, on the one-year anniversary of my exile from my home, (and nine months into my psychiatric sessions) I fell apart and was referred to a wonderful PTSD specialist by a friend. We discussed my early childhood, which was moderately traumatic, and focused on how my dad disappeared when I was four. I had never thought or cared about him (nor my childhood experiences: I got over it), but she thought his departure from my life important. She facilitated a few exercises, tapping, mirror talk, inner-child talk, which seemed to help me for a while, then it stopped helping. A few months ago flashbacks once again became central to my daily activities. I am drowning in them.

Work has taken me to a new city on the other side of the state, and I'm unable to see either professional any more. I don't want to try a local therapist because the results I achieved from the PTSD therapist, while wonderful, were just temporary. I don't believe there is a permanent solution for me, and that scares the hell out of me. I'm hoping to learn differently here :)

My husband verbally assaulted me regularly for six years, but he was a good provider and a fun person and we had much in common. I loved him with all my heart and miss him terribly. I think about him/my home/my pets--our life together constantly, in flashbacks that put a lump in my throat and knock the wind out of me. I dissociate constantly--while I'm playing with my grandchildren, cooking, driving a car-- and just check out to a blind, painfully numb state. I take xanax every night to sleep, lest I lie awake all night re-living life with my husband.

One last thing: I am a religious person and have found strength in my faith, but my flashbacks are strong and relentless. I will continue to lean in to my faith for answers and direction, but feel that supplementing that is a good idea. I have turned here for help. Thank you for reading :)

 

[HatingTheDarkPlace]

@ Cherryblossom: Thank you for the link. After reading it thoroughly I realize perhaps I don't fit the criteria for PTSD as defined here, aside from some childhood events that occurred. I apologize to those whom have undergone the atrocities described in the PTSD link you provided, for they have certainly been through hell. Having utmost respect for the administrator and for members of the forum, I will assume a roll of observer now, and will spend time reading through the articles, posts, and helpful links. Thank you for your honesty and clarification.