ED 30 pounds down ... eating disorder relapse or just depression?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm trying to sort out a new problem.

I guess it isn't new, just newly noticed. Walking by the mirror today and shocked to see my ribcage visible above my chest and all my vertebrae protruding. I know I've dropped some weight (trying to exercise as a tool for anxiety control, trying to eat better to help with depression) but I didn't realize how thin I had become. Apparently, thirty pounds down from a year ago.

I don't think I'm skinny enough to have medical implications yet, so that's good. But is it fair to just blame this in the depression? I've previously been treated for an eating disorder, but this feels different.

Just trying to sort things out in my brain, as I'm starting therapy again (finally) next week, and want to be able to walk in with a sense of what is wrong.

 

[fuzzypenguin]

I wouldn't think too hard abiut it per se. For me, and maybe it's the case for you, things tend to come for me when I'm not thinking about it. It's almost like it dawns on me moments later when I'm on or thinking about something else. Sometimes it's a good or bad thing obviously with PTSD, but yeah. I hope that made sense

 

[VioletButterfly]

I have an active/inactive ED, depending upon your definition. With a 30 pound weight gain or loss, I'd be asking myself if I'm using food or lack there of as a coping mechanism. If you have not discussed this with your MD or T and they haven't noticed, it might be a good idea to bring it up. The very fact that you are mentioning it raises a flag with me, a fellow-sufferer. Please take good care of yourself and get the care that you might need. We're not always the best source of awareness when we're not healthy. Blessings to you. VB

 

[MesaRock]

same with me. 40 pounds in a year. I was going to post this this morning when I found yours. i'm too anxious to eat but also can't keep food down. i suppose this is normal, or i'm been supposing this is normal. But i Think it can't be neglected. i can see my ribs too. I've never had an eating disorder, I'm just extremely stressed. I'm going to call my doctor but she's not trauma experienced.

hug

wonder if anyone else on the site has insight?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I just started with a new therapist last week, so she has nothing to compare it to - I did mention on the intake questionnaires about the lost weight and the previous eating disorder, though, so she does know. Unfortunately I don't really have a consistent primary care doctor - so many insurance shifts and struggles to keep my insurance in the first place. I can't decide, too, what is eating disorder related, and what is trauma related fear of eating - something to sort put, perhaps.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Trust your intuition. Only you know what is really going on. Trauma most likely underlies the eating disorder, so working on that certainly would be a good investment of time. Also, if you feel you need more nutrition, but have trouble with eating, I have found that sipping meal replacement and protein shakes, and vitamin water have been very helpful getting me back into the habit of regular meals. Some nutrition is better than none. If you are over-exercising, can you try just cutting it by a quarter? then by a half? I think in healing from an eating disorder, I've been told that moderation in all things is key. I think that keeps us out of black and white thinking. VB

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@VioletButterfly thanks for the ideas. I don't think I'm over excersizing, just doing yoga in the mornings (for about fifteen minutes) and then the usual exercise I get since I commute to work via foot and bicycle. I'm trying really hard to just schedule meals and force myself to eat, but sometimes it's really hard - when my PTSD is at its worst, I have trouble with swallowing, and then I cycle from the PTSD into depression, where it just feels like it doesn't matter if I eat anyways since I'm just going to die eventually (writing that, I understand how warped my perspective is). I think I just need to work on the trauma stuff. It's frightening though, and easier to focus on weight and food, calories in and calories out, rather than the awful demons of my past.

 

[VioletButterfly]

It sounds like your intuition is telling you what you know and what you need to do to heal. :) I hear you regarding the PTSD and depression cycling and resulting thinking/affects on eating. From what I'm seeing out here, we are not alone. At least you are aware of your perspective and changes in thinking; that seems to be half the battle. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. VB