Relationship 32 Years And I Finally Need To Ask For Help

[Shanleen]

My spouse is a Viet Nam era disabled vet with combat PTSD. He was also abused and traumatized as a child by alcoholic parents.

We've been married 32 years and I've researched and tried very hard not to give triggers, to help him avoid triggers and to be there for him.

He stopped taking his meds about 6 months ago. He started being verbally abusive also. When we was verbally abusive to me in front of strangers I blew my top. I get angry about once a year and even then am careful what I say. But I said one of the big no-no's. I said if he couldn't give me the respect I deserve he knew where the door was. Huge mistake I know.

That was Tues. am. He has moved all his personal belongings into his room. There is no evidence he lives here outside that room. Even his coffee pot. Which he puts back when I get up and then stays in the room until I go to bed.

I know not to push when he isn't ready to talk. But I am at my wits end. I have no one to talk to and would appreciate any advice.
I am afraid to sign up as an email would alert him I am here.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Why not create a new email ID just for this forum?

I said if he couldn't give me the respect I deserve he knew where the door was. Huge mistake I know.

How was this a huge mistake?

You deserve respect and you have the right to ask for it. Don't let anyone (including yourself) tell you different.

 

[Shanleen]

He is a computer expert and knows everything.

I don't think it was wrong to ask for respect. It was wrong to say you know where the door is. To a sufferer that is like a challenge. I didn't mean it.

I think I may go quietly crazy.

 

[safenow]

Sugar, you have a right tell him to hit the door if he isn't going to show you any respect. Don't back down. He needs to know you are serious about how he treats you. PTSD is no excuse for nasty behavior.

safenow

 

[Shanleen]

Thanks safenow. I am 62 years old. Out of the workforce for 20 years taking care of my man. On my own I get 780.00 in SS a month. I can't live on that. I have to make this work out. 32 years and I am so tired. I haven't felt a human touch in more years than I can count.

I haven't been hugged, kissed, or had sex in over 7 years. I have never felt so alone. My family have mostly died now, my son and grandchildren in another state.

I know I come across as sorry for myself. And damn it! I am.

How is it when they do something to make you angry and you finally get angry they turn it around so you are trying to make it up to them and your original anger got lost in the transition?

 

[Rumors]

How is it when they do something to make you angry and you finally get angry they turn it around so you are trying to make it up to them and your original anger got lost in the transition?

Men are good at that. I don't know what your situation is, Shanleen, but I can tell you that you are entitled to half of the marital assests. If he has a 401k, you are entitled to half. If your home has value, you are entitled to half. Of course, you are also entitled to half the debt so beware. Perhaps you should go talk to someone who can give you some strong legal advice.

Best wishes and hang in there! We perhaps may be married to the same man. ;)

 

[safenow]

Shanleen,

I don't know what state you live in, however, you can get housing vouchers to assist with rent, and get help in paying some of your bills. Girl, you deserve better than what you are getting. I learned a long time ago, it's better to live in a tent on the beach than stay with an unworthy man. Period. What are you going to do if he just ups and leaves on his own? Then, you'd really be stuck with more than you can handle. Get yourself some good counsel from a legal aide attorney on what you can do.

Sorry to preach, but your health, mental and physical and spiritual, need to feel safe and loved. Just my humble opinion.
safenow

 

[StarChild]

How is it when they do something to make you angry and you finally get angry they turn it around so you are trying to make it up to them and your original anger got lost in the transition?

Dear Shanleen, what you describe is manipulation on a very back-stabbing level. And also disrespectful and nonetheless, loveless against you.

On my own I get 780.00 in SS a month. I can't live on that.

No, but I'm afraid, soon you will have lost all power to look after yourself... And you are worth it! You are just as precious as every other human on this planet. You really deserve respectful behavior and loving care.

I'm sending strengthening hugs to you, if you can accept them. :hug:

 

[Shanleen]

Your support is amazing and appreciated.

I forgot to mention I love the man to distraction and have for over half my life.

Hugs gladly accepted here.

 

[Shanleen]

Day 5 and still nothing. The silence in deafening.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can't imagine living in a home where you're too scared to even sign up for a free email account. I am so sorry you're dealing with this!

Do you have a public library in your county? Then you could sign up for an email account and feel free to sign in to the forum so you can be a member of the community (not that there's anything wrong with posting as a guest, rather you'd have additional benefits such as being able to privately message people).

I know you love your sufferer, but you deserve better.

 

[anthony]

If he won't talk with you, then ask him to write it down... see if that will open communication with him. If it does, you got a foot in the door to lowering his defensive barriers he's put in place.