No need for apologies, you entered into a relationship with a person who did not use. You have a reasonable boundary about drug use. If this is a deal breaker, say so and get in some joint sessions. I can understand him not being the person you met and fell in love with. He is not coping or managing... he is chemically insulating. He is also putting you and your child at risk if his activities are illegal.
I actually did have to set this boundary in my first marriage. Though his illicit drug use did improve to "only pot"... we had endured many consequences of his actions and in my case. Without his drug he was violent and abusive. I separated, and met my current husband. My first husband stepped up and swore by all that was holy that he was clean and would stay that way. I returned to himand a week later found a roach sitting on a bathroom counter. I told him I loved him, not the drugs. I understood he was troubled but would no longer live with the lies and abuse he heaped on me. I could not and would not tolerate drug use - I was done.
I divorced and resumed my relationship with my current spouse. My husband of 22 years next month has never tried an illegal drug. He had other problems... as did I ... but the one problem we don't have, when so many of our friends have lost themselves, their children, their spouses, family to drugs, jail, or death... has been me thankful that I upheld this boundary.
I wish you the best and that you, the therapist, or someone he trusts could help him understand that reaching for something outside of ourselves to change the way we feel on the inside... is a maladaptive coping mechanism. It does not teach us how to cope or manage... it only masks it, numbs it for a time. When they use, part of them is unavailable to us... most often it is the part of them that we love the most. I was willing to work through physical abuse issues with my first husband if he was clean... I had no way of doing that if he was numbed out and unavailable to me.
