Relationship He Tells Me I Am Dirty

[Deleted member 28812]

Yesterday I had been cooking for my vet. I had been wearing an old Shirt and there were a few little holes and there was a little speck on the shirt.
He came home. I was so happy to see him, had cooked his favourite dinner. Happy and smiling and waiting for him. He came home and the first things he said: Your shirt is dirty. Why didn't you throw it away by the way because it'd hole-y? The kitchen is dirty.

I feel unhappy and unloved :(

Can dirt be a trigger for some?

It's not the first time.
Somebody seemed to have scratched his car a bit with his key. He could not find out who it was... otherwise that guy would have been in trouble. He was annoyed for weeks.
Our two year old son spilled his water - on purpose because he thought it was funny. He reacted very coldly telling the boy he was unfit to eat with the grown-ups and send him to his room.
He is a loving father but when it comes to dirt he is just so strict. I sometimes do think the boy is being treated unfair when he judges him with harsh words but don't want to tell him "Your father can be an idiot. You are not dirty"

I have noticed that others such as @Sweetpea76 noticed similar behaviour in threir sufferers.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Dirt could become a trigger for someone, by the same association logic by which fetishes are created (just happened to be studying that stuff yesterday :confused: )
If he is a veteran, it might be triggering for him to see a dirty place, due to the envirovment where he was during the war, similar logic as the person on here ho is triggered by silvery stuff, during their trauma they've seen a lot of it and it was what their brain remembered...

Thats my thoughts on this.

I read the edit, such strictness is not good for the boy, I'm completely serious on this... If the boy gets an excess of critique and a lack of 'well done' and congratulations on achievements he could have the bad luck of being similar to me in some parts, perfectionism is my problem, because I never feel good enough...

 

[digger]

For me things like that are about small things I can have control over, versus so many big things I don't have control over. I can notice a spot of dirt. I can clean it. Yay I win the battle against the spot of dirt! Something is not in its usual place. I can put the thing back where it belongs. Yay I win the battle against the mutinous thing that wasn't in its place! There is so much in my head and in the world that is out of my control and which overwhelms me that small 'victories' like these end up having way more significance than they should.

Sometimes, if I am stressed or something doesn't feel right with me, I find I am looking for external things that 'aren't right' to kind of blame the feeling on, rather than look inside at for the real reasons. It's not a particularly healthy or helpful thing to do really, but it happens.

It may be something like that is going on for him. It also sounds though like he is trying to control you and your son with it too. In my opinion, that is not an okay thing.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

As @digger mentioned, it's not a good thing if it passes a certain value, as it slowlt chips away at one's sense of self worth, self confidence and accomplishment.

This is one thing I get seriously serious on, as my parents are such, and it's an awful thing... I hope I'm not upsetting you. I upset myself a bit by overthink now...

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Dirt could become a trigger for someone, by the same association logic by which fetishes are created (just happened to be studying that stuff yesterday :unworthy:)

How are fetishes created?

I read the edit, such strictness is not good for the boy, I'm completely serious on this... If the boy gets an excess of critique and a lack of 'well done' and congratulations on achievements he could have the bad luck of being similar to me in some parts, perfectionism is my problem, because I never feel good enough...

I wish he would just stop being that strict. It undermines self-esteem. Mine and that of the boy.
He critizices far more than he gives praise :( While he does not yell or gets rude, he nags and nags.

It was not the first time he nagged that I turned the kitchen into a mess when I was cooking or baking for him. I will soon stop baking for him altogether because he simply does not seem to appreciate it.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@digger: That makes a lot of sense. He always says that people who cannot get the small things right cannot get the big things right. That's this kind of thinking. Fix the small things first.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Lemontree

Well, it's not exact same for fetishes, but follows the principle that constantly seeing something with something, creates brain association that triggers the resport to thing A even when just thing B is seen.

For example, there was an experiment done on men, heterosexual and completely normal, they were shown pictures of sexy women, but before every picture a picture of leather boots was put, and after a while, they reacted to just leather boots the same way they react to the sexy woman, to retry same was done with other random things, such as a chair, door hinge and so on. I came to studying that as my supporter has an unusual fetish, and though that precise thing didn't really help with finding out about creation of that fetish much, it gave me some knowledge.

Sme thing could work on a situation type where he was at a battlefield, and while hearing and seeing bad things, he saw dirt and dirty stuff around himself, connecting that strongly with the trauma in his brain.

Also the description you gave in second post is quite similar to my parents, they constantly put me down about everything, yell around the house... I don't want others to have to go through that. And they dont seen to care that they hurt me...

Does he know how much he hurts you and your child with that? If even after knowing, after seeing how much it hurts you, he doesn't try to change, it's quite unhealthy to stay with him.

When you approach people like your therapist/s because you certainly don't want to replicate your parent's behaviours.

This one hits so deep to the point.

 

[J_trustno1]

He seems OCD to me for some reason. I'm sorry if I've hurt you with my words.

 

[digger]

He always says that people who cannot get the small things right cannot get the big things right. That's this kind of thinking. Fix the small things first.

Sort of, but the danger, for me at least, is that it doesn't lead to getting the big things right at all, it just leads to avoidance of them. My focus is shifted to the small things, most of which don't actually 'need' fixing, so that I can delay/avoid dealing with the big things that really do. Which is why I said it's not really all that helpful or healthy - it is one of the ways I cope though. I think a more productive approach is to fix the big things in small steps.

I wish he would just stop being that strict. It undermines self-esteem. Mine and that of the boy.
He critizices far more than he gives praise

I think it's really important that he understands what this is doing to you and the potential problems it could cause your children. From the other side, I grew up in a house where I wasn't good enough and was repeatedly criticised. I was also in a relationship with someone who would pick at this kind of thing and make me feel like shit for it. It's not acceptable, I would absolutely be countering it with your son and reinforcing that he is not dirty. Some long discussions I think are maybe needed about a more united approach to parenting that will give your son a more confident approach to life. If your partner needs himself to be perfect, that's his issue to deal with - it is not fair to impose such unrealistic or excessive standards and expectations on others, especially children.

 

[TonyG]

I sometimes make hurtful comments about what my wife is wearing or her hair, I don't mean to do it and I know I have hurt her afterwards but I just have a nasty part of me that comes out sometimes, I can't blame my PTSD for that I have been like that all my life

 

[scout86]

You mentioned he was a vet. The military attaches importance to cleanliness and order. For a variety of reason. Disorder, lack of preparation, in some situations can get you or others killed. Could be that's where this way of thinking comes from.

But, he's living in a different version of reality now. A little disorder isn't likely to be that serious. It's hard to make the adjustment. Personally, I think making the adjustment in on him, but the people around him need to understand too.

Have you ever asked him about the what, exactly, his standards are and what the reasons behind them are? It's possible that HE'S never thought about it and maybe he should.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm leaning more toward the control aspect of it all. Yes, he may have had cleanliness standards pounded into him while in the military, however he is not in the military anymore and needs to learn to be flexible with his cleanliness standards. Kids will be kids, and kids are NOT naturally clean. Yes, we can instill cleanliness into our kids but lets face it, at the end of the day, kids WILL be messy, right? Punishing kids for being messy----a two year old----is just too much.

Telling you to throw away a shirt? That's controlling. Blaming you for a messy kitchen? Yeah, I don't know anyone who doesn't make at least SOME mess while cooking. (Its sort of a part of it all, right?)

Can you sit down and talk to him about it? Heck, if he doesn't lay off the messy kitchen thing, just tell him that you aren't cooking anymore and start ordering delivery/take-out for every meal.