Relationship He Tells Me I Am Dirty

[Queen Boudica]

Think the first thing he needs to learn is respectful behaviour. What gives him the right to tell you your shirt is dirty and you should throw it away? That's nothing to do with the army that is just rude disrespectful behaviour. A thank you for cooking him the meal is what he should have done.

Too much trying to explain shitty behaviour instead of just saying for what it is. Wrong, controlling and abusive.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Oh yeah, @Lemontree, I know that behavior well. I have learned to recognize this as a sign that my Vet is dealing with some stress, and perhaps not handling it very well.

If he was stressed, he may have just been lashing out. If he was, maybe the dirt was the only thing he could find to snark (for lack of a better word) about if you had lovingly cooked his favorite meal and met him at the door with a smile. I cannot speak for everybody, but sometimes it seems like it's a release valve with my Vet when his cup is overflowing. He won't call me names or whatnot, because he knows I won't tolerate it, but sometimes it seems like he needs to do some bitching about something to dump some of the stress out of his cup. Usually it is something totally stupid, and I have had to learn not to get offended about it. Like the fact that my dog has a sweater on... yep she sure does. He thinks it is retarded to put a sweater on a dog, and it will get a rant out of him every so often. I just don't engage and don't let it bother me.... well, I secretly fantasize about buying the dog boots and a matching hat to piss him off more, but that's about it.

He always says that people who cannot get the small things right cannot get the big things right.

That is military conditioning there... I hear "if you can't get the small things right, how can I trust you with the big things". Almost word for word. I wonder how much of this is just a trained response for little nothing irritations. Like, "You didn't rinse the dishes before they went in the dishwasher? If you can't get the small things right, how can I trust you with the big things?" They probably heard that same line daily themselves and it is just imprinted on their brains. I'm willing to bet that's just a go-to phrase when they are irritated.

Usually my Vet isn't a super-critical person, but when he gets stressed, he gets critical. He seems to notice the most minute things and feel the need to correct them. Maybe that is a control thing like @digger and @Solara are talking about. It may give him some sense of power when he otherwise feels powerless. He will also obsess over minute things, usually one little thing at a time. Of course, I can't read his mind, but it seems like focusing on one small irritation keeps him from focusing on the whole world pressing in on him.

I'm finally getting to a point where I am starting to let some of this roll off my back.

When he acts like that, I can recognize that he is stressed, because usually he is not like that. With that being said, there are still these hyper-critical episodes that don't feel to great, and I'm sure he feels like crap about it too. Eventually, it would be nice to get to a point where he can correct some of that behavior. I can see that happening as he moves along in his treatment and learns to manage his stressors better.

One thing did kind of strike a chord with me though...

If he is a veteran, it might be triggering for him to see a dirty place, due to the envirovment where he was during the war, similar logic as the person on here ho is triggered by silvery stuff, during their trauma they've seen a lot of it and it was what their brain remembered...

What @otakujome is saying may be true. My Vet says that Iraq was the filthiest, dirtiest place he has ever been, and people just cannot comprehend that level of dirty unless they see and smell it. Maybe he does have a thing about cleanliness now?

 

[scout86]

I hear "if you can't get the small things right, how can I trust you with the big things". Almost word for word. I wonder how much of this is just a trained response for little nothing irritations.

No, @Sweetpea76 , it has nothing to do with minor irritations. It's something that can be extremely true in the most literal ways imaginable. You've heard the old saying, "For want of a nail, a shoe was lost, for want of a shoe, a horse was lost, for want of a horse, a battle was lost, for want of a battle a war was lost....."? There's an important truth there, but it's way MORE important in a life and death situation. What's difficult, sometimes, is truly comprehending that you're not IN a life or death situation NOW. YOU know that he's not. The rational part of his brain "knows" he's not too. Depending on what his personality is like otherwise, this might really bother him, but it's not that easy to get away from it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sure, there is a reason for it. I'm sure it does matter in battle situations, and because it IS so important, they are trained that EVERYTHING is important on the daily. Doing exactly what is told, following every minor step in procedure, etc. My point is that it is so ingrained in them from training, it becomes a blanket statement. For everything. For not getting the mail out of the mailbox early enough. For not getting the right kind of shampoo at the grocery store. My first husband was active duty, and I've noticed the same behavior in a lot of soldiers, combat experience or no.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Yesterday I had been cooking for my vet. I had been wearing an old Shirt and there were a few little holes and there was a little speck on the shirt.
He came home. I was so happy to see him, had cooked his favourite dinner. Happy and smiling and waiting for him. He came home and the first things he said: Your shirt is dirty. Why didn't you throw it away by the way because it'd hole-y? The kitchen is dirty.

I feel unhappy and unloved :(

Can dirt be a trigger for some?

It's not the first time.
Somebody seemed to have scratched his car a bit with his key. He could not find out who it was... otherwise that guy would have been in trouble. He was annoyed for weeks.
Our two year old son spilled his water - on purpose because he thought it was funny. He reacted very coldly telling the boy he was unfit to eat with the grown-ups and send him to his room.
He is a loving father but when it comes to dirt he is just so strict. I sometimes do think the boy is being treated unfair when he judges him with harsh words but don't want to tell him "Your father can be an idiot. You are not dirty"

I have noticed that others such as @Sweetpea76 noticed similar behaviour in threir sufferers.

It's not you. It's him.
What I have found with many vets is the inclination to push military ideals and standards on non-military in civilian life. HE has to accommodate society, now. Not society accommodate him.

I have found this myself, particularly with vets from the Vietnam conflict. Several have literally put themselves in a roll as if they are Jesus. The "I served in 'Nam! Don't mess with me!" attitude. They don't so that with people that can defend themselves, they do it only to people they feel they can bully.

From what you have described I am inclined to think that is very similar to what I talked about. He is lashing out against those that love him and care, because he can get away with it. To him it's relieving the stress he has to deal with. To me it's just being a bully.
He may have issues and problems, but that never justifies taking his problems out on your or his son. You are not a whipping post.

 

[Ronin]

Are you *sure* he was seeing *you* and the same place at that point?

Quite a few times when I'm triggered, what reminds me of the trauma (/where I'm mentally at) is the only thing I recall from whole the environment after. And my attempts to ground have been a while pointing out to trusted people what on earth is wrong. Holes & dirt? I'd totally point 'you're dirty' as 'please don't be dying on me, we need to get out of here'. Aphasia. Fear for the loved person. No wanting to degrade you inolved at all. Different language altogether.