4 Years Is Nothing...

[Deleted member 43454]

Compared to a lot of you on these forums. 4 years is child's play. But I am again in a shitty place. I just want to rest. But I've got an eternity of suffering left. My Grandpa who was in the infantry during the Korean war, used to yell at night toward the end that he just wanted to die. Just wanted it to end to stop. I didn't understand as a kid that he was probably in a world of shit.

I'm getting help through the VA, but the wait in between appointments for therapy isn't helping man. I've been crying a lot lately. Crying while driving. Crying at home. Thinking about my life now, thinking about those no longer with us. Everyday the thought of taking the easy route and blowing my brains out has to be put off. It's not difficult to do. Suicide is not an option. But there is a thought, each...and...every f*cking day.

What have I done. 4 years and I've only begun to start unraveling the beast.

 

[Friday]

I hate crying.
I know a lot of people find it cathartic, and more power to you if so, but I always feel worse afterward. And my eyes are swollen shut, my nose doesn't work, and I'm all puffy. Shudder. It would be cool if it made me feel better. But it's like it adds insult to injury. Great. Now on top of being miserable, I look like Im having an allergic reaction, and feel so, sooo pretty. My counselor from back when kept trying to make me cry. Dude. No. Seriously. You don't wanna see that. Trust me.
Had a rackmate though who swore by it. Firefighter now, and he goes to every single tearjerker movie ever made. He's all sane & all, so maybe there's something to it.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

You brothers and sisters that can cry, I think it's a good thing, your letting it out. Yes it's OK for men and woman to cry. Now think of us guys that can not cry, we may want to but can't. The last time I did was 25 years ago, my dog Molly died in my arms. She was 15+ years and it was her time......I live with the fact I could cry for her, a dog, but not for a person.....

J R

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Pain causes the tears my Brothers and Sisters. You set it aside in the killing fields because it got in the way of survival. But, that survival tool has limitations.

Those tears don't block that path to back home. They are a part of it. It's just one more part of the healing process.

But, the tears are also a sign on that path, telling you it's time to move, saying that more baby steps are needed. TAKE THOSE STEPS!!!!!!!!!! Take a deep breath. Give yourself some time to set all else aside, and look for the good things you set aside, the things that made your life special before you became a warrior.Watch a sunset. Feel the rain on your face. Watch and listen to someone you love. Watch a child, and try to see a bit of the world through their eyes................................

Those steps may not seem like much at the time. But, each one gets you closer to a better place.

SD

 

[Spock]

*** Trigger Warning *** I started an honest discussion in Group about suicide or suicidal ideation. It was the elephant in the room and I had finally gotten passed it & comfortable about addressing it. The Docs were always taking notes on anyone that tried to talk around it so I opened the door for the vets in the room that were dealing with it. I asked the Doc straight out if he ever had suicidal thoughts, duh, and he went to listen mode for the remainder of the session. Then I went on to explain the difference to thinking about if it is an option, to think about with gun (even often), versus playing with different plans (playing with the gun), and finally starting to really focus on the possibility (to focus intently, seriously on the gun or plan). Nothing scientific about any of it, I just saw the group had got to the point that we needed to address it; to discuss how some suicidal thoughts were normal processing. We vets understood different phases and maybe, even with suicidal thoughts, there are indications of when the yellow warning zone goes red, when it is getting too serious. The topic took off and it seemed a good thing throw it all out there. Everyone certainly had something to say about it. The topic seems still too taboo and it was good to talk it out.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

***Trigger Warning Right Back At Ya My Brother***

You definately got me thinking Spock. Then I said to myself. "It's there. I know it is, and has been for a long, long time". But, it's in a very different form than simply ending it all cause I can't take it any more.

I did things under fire that would be considered suicidel by any reasonable person. I didn't do them because I wanted to die. I did them cause I just didn't give a f*ck anymore. Clinging to life was just too hard. So, facing death actually became a release for me. I'm sure that release saved my sanity.

But, it also took me to a very dangerous place. I stayed in that place even after I returned home. I have no idea how I lived through that period. Somehow I believe there's some sort of guardian angel who protects the drunk and untra stupid, the ones who just don't give a f*ck.

I also believe there is a limit to what even a guardian angel can so. My salvation first came from a very classy lady who I dated after coming home. Somehow through her eyes I saw that life was still worth while. To this day I still have family and friends who keep me going just by being there.

I'm sure I couldn't have made it on my own. Eventually the odds would have caught up with me. I owe my life to not only those who covered my back under fire, but also those who stood bye me when they had reasons to turn away.

Don't stay in that place you found under fire my Brothers and Sisters. Keep moving and keep looking. You didn't loose the good stuff. You set it aside. IT'S STILL THERE.

SD