My symptoms started in 2007, immediately after some intense stress of 8 months regarding saving the lives of my parents. I'd had to make some very hard decisions (committing my mother; life support and finally an amputation for my father). I was "always on": mom at home, helping find my escaped mother, driving to various cities to visit my parents, etc. 8 months, and I got them home, and got them care, and helped secure them financially so they could live out their days at home. You'd think I could breathe easy, right?
Within the month of things "calming down", I started having nightmares and panic attacks (including some that were trickier than hyperventilation, like muscle pains), most of which required a trip to the ER, which always ended up with a shot of lorazepam. Which always made me feel fine immediately.
And I've been on lorazepam ever since.
Anyway, the nightmares went away within months of Ativan usage (by 2008). My problem since then has been tackling certain brain-dead simple tasks relative to my parents: like if I'm paying their electric bill, I open the envelope, I freeze up, hyperventilate, take a part of an Ativan, take a walk, try the task again, take another part of an Ativan, and sometimes complete the task. Depends on how much Ativan I want to take, or if I have someone around to support me (yes, help write the check), or if I'm in a hurry (funny enough, the more stressed I am, the better I handle things!). It's caused problems before (late payments), and is very embarrassing.
That sounds all PTSD-y, but I don't have other typical PTSD signs, so I worry about that. For example, I don't have mood swings, or even depression (I get sad, but talk to my priest and pray and accept things pretty well). I rarely lose my temper, and even when I do it's relatively mild (thanks to Ativan, probably). With most everything else, like my marriage and kids, I'm okay (the same tasks I can't bear to do for my parents, I do without issue for my family and others). I can express a lot of emotion (esp fun and laughter, but also empathy) with family and friends, and most people would even call me very social! — I just freeze up doing my parents' tasks, or when they call, or their nurses call. (And I LOVE my parents!)
I just got a psychotherapist 6 months ago (my GP was resistant to me going to another doctor for years, so it took a lot of doing to get that referral); and the talk therapy's helped give me a lot of insight. Like, he told me I recounted my horror stories like a reporter (without emotion, like I was not part of them); and I don't cry. He had great hope for me because I'm so willing to get better. He also helped get my GP to refer me to a psychiatrist for my scripts, whom I'll start seeing this week. THAT was a knock-down drag-out, since my GP doesn't like shrinks or even therapists; I even almost lost my therapist in their 'fight'.
And then about 10 days ago, I realized my GP was part of the problem, and he made that real obvious: I left his office hurt and with bruises. I'd never been attacked before in any fashion; I was pretty much physically overpowered and then molested (but not raped). I tried fighting back, but was clearly overpowered, and I started crying (finally!) ...which I later joked with my therapist was a positive thing (it had made my GP mad, but that might have been what kept me from being hurt worse). Unfortunately, I'm having nightmares again, about being on that exam table, and I've got to see my talk therapist in 'crisis mode' now (we were going to go 2 sessions a month this summer, but we're back to weekly).
Within the month of things "calming down", I started having nightmares and panic attacks (including some that were trickier than hyperventilation, like muscle pains), most of which required a trip to the ER, which always ended up with a shot of lorazepam. Which always made me feel fine immediately.
And I've been on lorazepam ever since.
Anyway, the nightmares went away within months of Ativan usage (by 2008). My problem since then has been tackling certain brain-dead simple tasks relative to my parents: like if I'm paying their electric bill, I open the envelope, I freeze up, hyperventilate, take a part of an Ativan, take a walk, try the task again, take another part of an Ativan, and sometimes complete the task. Depends on how much Ativan I want to take, or if I have someone around to support me (yes, help write the check), or if I'm in a hurry (funny enough, the more stressed I am, the better I handle things!). It's caused problems before (late payments), and is very embarrassing.
That sounds all PTSD-y, but I don't have other typical PTSD signs, so I worry about that. For example, I don't have mood swings, or even depression (I get sad, but talk to my priest and pray and accept things pretty well). I rarely lose my temper, and even when I do it's relatively mild (thanks to Ativan, probably). With most everything else, like my marriage and kids, I'm okay (the same tasks I can't bear to do for my parents, I do without issue for my family and others). I can express a lot of emotion (esp fun and laughter, but also empathy) with family and friends, and most people would even call me very social! — I just freeze up doing my parents' tasks, or when they call, or their nurses call. (And I LOVE my parents!)
I just got a psychotherapist 6 months ago (my GP was resistant to me going to another doctor for years, so it took a lot of doing to get that referral); and the talk therapy's helped give me a lot of insight. Like, he told me I recounted my horror stories like a reporter (without emotion, like I was not part of them); and I don't cry. He had great hope for me because I'm so willing to get better. He also helped get my GP to refer me to a psychiatrist for my scripts, whom I'll start seeing this week. THAT was a knock-down drag-out, since my GP doesn't like shrinks or even therapists; I even almost lost my therapist in their 'fight'.
And then about 10 days ago, I realized my GP was part of the problem, and he made that real obvious: I left his office hurt and with bruises. I'd never been attacked before in any fashion; I was pretty much physically overpowered and then molested (but not raped). I tried fighting back, but was clearly overpowered, and I started crying (finally!) ...which I later joked with my therapist was a positive thing (it had made my GP mad, but that might have been what kept me from being hurt worse). Unfortunately, I'm having nightmares again, about being on that exam table, and I've got to see my talk therapist in 'crisis mode' now (we were going to go 2 sessions a month this summer, but we're back to weekly).
