48 hours

[FauxLiz]

I saw my t this morning which was both good and bad. As I mentioned in another post I had my performance evaluation at work last night and as anticipated it didn’t go well.

The good news is I still have a job the bad news is I really don’t know if that is the good news. My t was aware that I have a plan and had thought through how to go about it. The really hard part was his asking if I was going to be safe for the next 48 hours until our next appointment. I said I would try to which his answer was “do I need to call emergency services”. Which did nothing to help my state of mind. He asked several more times before I gave him an answer he would accept but now I feel violated and scared to see him again. Have any of you been through something similar with your t or process?

 

[scout86]

Not exactly, but there have been several other reasons why I dreaded going back. (Most recently, 2 weeks ago.) It's always worked out ok. He's actually not someone I need to dread. (I guess?) We even talked about that a little this last time, which helped.

Your T sounds like he cares about you. Obviously, he's also doing his job. It's hard to believe, but it's been my experience that working through times like you're talking about actually helps.

At least now you have some time to sort out the job situation and manage what you decide on your own terms. Take care of yourself! (Sounds like you are, but keep it up!)

 

[Freida]

You admitted you had a plan and he asked if you could agree not to use it until you see him again. This is bad? I don't mean that to be snarky...I'm honestly confused. It sounds like he is very worried about your answer and wants to make sure you are safe until you can get back together and address the job thing. Or was it that you don't know so you didn't have an answer for him and he wouldn't let it go and that's what felt violating?

And more importantly.... are you going to be ok until you see him again?

 

[Sideways]

Yeah, many times. And it was never easy, and at the time, it always felt like a massive violation of my freedom, my right to choose what’s best for me.

What helped me? Was knowing that asking me for a safety guarantee (like, can you keep yourself alive for 48 hours ) was coming from a place of genuine concern, and that the alternative (lack of real concern) would have been even worse.

Because ultimately, they weren’t taking away my freedom, they were keeping me safe from the symptoms of my illness.

You will get through this. It is a good outcome with your job. You haven’t been fired, but you now know that maybe this isn’t the workplace for you. And you have the security of finding a new job without the pressure of unemployment.

That doesn’t make it ok. It doesn’t make it easy. But you will get through this. With the type of pressure you’ve been under? It’s time to be gentle with yourself and allow your T to be concerned, express concern, and help if you need it.

It does get better.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you all for your insight. I know he was does care and was trying to help but to me it felt as if he was boxing me into a corner. The repeated questions about whether to call emergency personnel felt like a threat tell him what he wanted to hear or else he would have me forcibly committed. In a lot of ways it felt little t traumatizing because my options were to comply with what he wanted or to once again have my rights my freedom my choice taken away from me.

I don’t know how we move on from this because right now my instinct says to be terrified of my T.

 

[scout86]

comply with what he wanted or to once again have my rights my freedom my choice taken away from me.

I can see how it would have felt that way. On the other hand, his professional obligations kinds of leave him in a place where those are his choices and he's stuck with it too. If he didn't take that approach, and you killed yourself, or tried too, he'd be at fault and be held responsible.

right now my instinct says to be terrified of my T.

Maybe you work on it by updating that instinct? At one time, with different people, that instinct might have been totally accurate and life saving. Maybe it's not so accurate today, with him?

 

[FauxLiz]

This is all so confusing. I met with my t this morning and I told him how he made me feel. I am still processing the session, I feel as though everything in my life is imploding. With everything that is going on in my personal life, my job, and my mental health I think that it is probably time to seriously consider something more in terms of mental health treatment.

There are just so many uncertainties PHP is not an option as I know myself and I would either not go regularly or isolate and not fully participate. The inpatient programs at hospitals in my area are all just general psychiatric wards so no specialty trauma help. So that leaves a residential inpatient program but how do you choose? I know that members here have been to Sheppard Pratt, River Oaks and PIW. My t and I lightly touched on this subject today and he mentioned a place called Timberline Knolls.

Once a decision is made how do I broach the subject with my employer (who I am terrified will terminate me.) about going out on short term disability for the duration of the treatment program. My next fear after that is what if I am never well enough to return to work. Then what happens? One of the most ironic things about my family situation is that I am on of five surviving siblings and my father is alive, add to that that I have two children both basically full grown adults one 23 the other 17-18 in January. So with all that family I have never relied on any of them for support and I don't know if that is even possible in the future. My children maybe but not anytime soon they need to finish college and to get established.

I am sorry this is so long but I could really use some advice from other members that have worked their way through the thought process, selection of program to apply to, how to manage the landmines of work etc. I am so scared and I know I need help I just feel frozen in place

 

[scout86]

I've never had to navigate that situation, but would like to toss out a could thoughts anyway.

So with all that family I have never relied on any of them for support and I don't know if that is even possible in the future.

Whether you rely on them to support YOU or not, it certainly sounds like they can take care themselves and each other. That seems like a plus.

how do I broach the subject with my employer (who I am terrified will terminate me.) about going out on short term disability f

Tum that by your T. I'd bet need had other clients deal with this and will have some thoughts. But, you just had an evaluation that wasn't up to you're usual standard. This is the reason. They might be relieved to have a reason and happy you're dealing with it. As far as the future goes, getting the help you need is your best chance at the life you want. I'd focus on that and worry about the "what if's?" when you know what they are.

Wishing you well!