5 4 3 2 1 Meltdown!

[tillybee]

Your story is very similiar to mine. However, I should of stated that aged 13 was just the 1st big trauma. The trauma's have persisted to follow me over the years.

I feel like you I was on edge, ready to fight, to survive yet another crushing blow.

My last traumatic events before my mental breakdown were that I nearly lost my son. He had an emergency life saving operation. I was very fortunate that he's okay now, but being a parent and watching your child in awful awful pain, then sending them to sleep to face the surgeons knife.....this was too much to bear on top of my previous list of traumas. I just lost the plot if you like.

Two years previously my youngest son had nearly succumbed to pneumonia, at the tiny age of 2. This was horrifying and again I held it together but when doors were closed and people were gone I was broken.

If you add this to childhood sexual abuse, rape and surviving daily beatings by my partner I think you will understand why I had to fight every minute of every day.

My PTSD came when my fight was over. I finally relaxed into a happy and successful family life & BANG!!! it hit me and my life stopped.

I've been in neutral and 1st gear ever since - does this help explain?

 

[tillybee]

@Nebulustrix

I think I should also say that due to diassociation my list of traumatic events is not yet complete.

I've been trying to do like a timeline to help me space out trauma instead of treating is as a single massive thing. I haven't successfully found a therapist and I am only just at the diagnosis stage.

It's really hard to put it all down on paper or even think about it all. At the moment my brain won't let this happen so I have to do it a bit at a time ;)

 

[Nebulustrix]

Sounds like you've been facing one trauma after another your whole life and the only way you were able to get through it was to numb yourself to it all. Now that you aren't facing any more trauma's, your defenses have come down and it's all rushing forward. One way or another, we all have to cope at some point.

This is a non-PTSD issue, but... it still relates. My grandfather died this Wednesday. We all knew it was coming - he'd had several strokes (first one two years ago), internal bleeding, damage to his brain, etc. Before he died, everyone knew it was very, very close and could happen at any moment. I've been numb to it all.

I tell everyone it is because I didn't know my grandfather very well anyway, so I don't really have anything to grieve. I've only met him a few times growing up, when he would come visit our family and spend a little time with us now and then. I can remember a total of five times, though vaguely due to the time-gaps in between. But I can tell, just from how numb I am, that it is affecting me. I'm just not ready to face it yet. I'm instinctively remaining "strong" for the rest of my family, because they need someone strong right now.

Later - no idea how much later - I know it will catch up with me.

So I guess I can understand the time/distance gap between a trauma and the emotional train-wreck as we remain strong and then finally face it when our subconscious decides we're ready. And I know there are portions of my PTSD I still haven't faced, because there hasn't been anything in my life yet that would bring it forward.

One thing I have found that helps sort it all out when it all seems to be hitting at once is taking it one piece at a time, just like you said. And the pieces I face first are the ones that are bugging me the most at the time. If there is a particular memory that keeps resurfacing, it is because there is something about that moment, that specific piece of the trauma, that your mind needs you to come to terms with right now. Focus on it, delve into it, analyze every detail and tear it apart. That memory when then start to fade, not necessarily gone, but not so strongly connected to an adverse emotional response anymore. Then you can face the next piece.

Rinse, lather, repeat. It took me about a year of going to therapy to get "healthy". Then I had a three year lapse where the PTSD symptoms were basically gone, and now I've been dealing with it again, though smaller more sporadic "pieces" as opposed to the big chunks I just had to get out of the way in order to function.

 

[billie]

You will know when its the right time. All I can advise you with is practice your grounding techniques. I wish you well x

 

[tillybee]

I want to thank all of you for the time and effort that have gone into your answers. It's nice to be here. People care and share experiences so you have more knowledge to combat yours. It is very humbling hear the stories and realising that after along time you are not alone. Explaining my problems to you guys is not a waste of time, like it has been with so many others. I feel brighter this morning knowing I have support and a place to come when I'm in need of help and just an understanding ear really. So thank you again all of you I feel equipt to deal with this just that little bit more :)

 

[tillybee]

Do you know what guys? I'm still not properly understanding everything about my diagnosis. All these words like DID, severe depersonalisation and dissosociative amnesia? I'm not sure I get it, or what it means for me?

My head hurts just thinking about it all. I don't even know if I have spelt it right! - does anyone know of some decent information I can read through? The doctor told me but drifted off or it was information overload so my brain automatically blocked it.

There's only so much room in my head left! :)

 

[digger]

All these words like DID, severe depersonalisation and dissosociative amnesia

Are these part of your diagnosis?

 

[tillybee]

Yes and I think I zoned out. I wrote them down but after he said PTSD I was gone :/

 

[mytai]

@tillybee, finally receiving a diagnosis can be hard to swallow, even if you had an idea about what it might be, seeing it in front of you or being told by a medical professional makes it very real and in your face. I don't know how you typically handle things, but for me, to make overwhelming things more manageable, I break it down into steps. I start with the smallest, most manageable step and go from there before I even address the others. What's step 1 for you? Is it finding a therapist that you mesh well with?

It took me a long time to find a T that I trusted and meshed well with. She tries to make sure I'm not overwhelmed (or I dissociate), she gives me tools to ground myself, she helps me to create safety for myself. Other than what I have to deal with while I'm filing another police report, my T and I don't really focus on my trauma yet, she wants me to be able to stay present and grounded before we try to tackle anything.

It was slow going, I got very frustrated with myself, and then I was able to open up. I stopped sitting in silence the entire session, I was able to use my voice instead of writing letters to my T. It's a process, sometimes it is slow, and sometimes it moves fast. Whatever speed it goes, remember that you will get there. If you feel like your T isn't the right one, keep searching, you deserve to feel like you have the best help available to you. They work for you essentially, if it isn't working, fire them. Sometimes dealing with your trauma head on isn't the right approach, it depends on the individual, sometimes you need to create safety and stability in your life before dealing with the trauma (this is me by the way, but not everyone).

 

[digger]

Have a look through the articles on here. This is one about DID...
[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/articles/dissociative-identity-disorder.32/[/DLMURL]

 

[digger]

Also maybe check the 'flashbacks and dissociation' board and the 'symptoms and other disorders' board

 

[tillybee]

@mytai your post is really helpful. My step 1 would be getting to know my diagnosis and accepting that this is who I am at the moment. And then of course research all treatments and medications.

The doctor has given diagnosis and some meds to start with but I go back on 25th of March to take the next step with this. I couldn't handle everything at once like you said. To be honest I have been on meds for anxiety and depression for 2 years now. I had a nervous breakdown/mental breakdown last Feb. Now I realise it was my shut down which I guess most PTSD sufferers get? I'm not sure. The symptoms snowballed since that point. So with the doctors monitoring my condition I've finally come to get my diagnosis.

In a way it's comforting because all the symptoms and things I do can be attributed to PTSD and the associated conditions. I have a reason or some logic behind the madness. I have also found this forum has helped me greatly. Good people like yourself have made me feel I belong to something and I know I'm not alone. I don't have to question myself anymore because this forum proves that in the PTSD world I am normal.

Thank you for your time and effort in trying to help me - I hope I can also be of some assistance. :)