8 years gone

[Ice_Fire]

Well, I guess the title says it all. My 8 year relationship came to an end this week. My choice but that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s been coming for a while, but that doesn’t help either.

I’m okay, I know I’ll be okay. Just struggling right now obviously.

Need to give it time but I’m anxious that I’ll find out just how socially anxious I am. I’m frightened of having nobody. Of not being able to make friends. Of putting myself out into the world again.

Yeah, the above is a big red flag and part of why we’re no more, I know it was unhealthy.

 

[Ecdysis]

Ugh, yeah...

I dunno about you, but this stuff seemed easier to me, when I was younger... The loss of a relationship? No worries, there's millions more fish in the sea.

As I'm getting older, this doesn't *feel* true, at all. I mean, there's probly plenty of single people out there - who have also broken up with their long-term partners, but as I'm starting to feel old, these things are getting a... gravity... that they didn't use to have...

Currently, I'm settling into being a childless cat-and-dog lady... It seems I'm in very good company on that front, as recent political events have shown

It's weird... when I was younger, relationships seemed so important... like that's what life was about... Now that I'm getting older, I'm not so sure... I certainly grieved the heck out of a breakup a few years ago... But these days I feel like my bar of "what I'm willing to put up with" is sooooo high that no mortal being is gonna pass that test...

I dunno... It is a scary journey, but it is a *journey*... and there's a ton of interesting self-discovery along the way... I learned more about myself during this break-up and learning-to-live-without than in my entire life before, including years of therapy.

Not sure I would've chosen to learn all of that *voluntarily*... but then, sometimes, life's not like that, eh?

Edit to add:

You know that saying "People come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime" ?

I've found that really helpful... Cos I don't think 8 years are "gone". It's just that it was either a) a season or b) a reason and not what you would've wished, c) a lifetime.

That disappointment can be really profound at first... But if you can find the "reason" or accept the "season" then you can actually cherish and treasure that and then those things aren't "gone"... they're just not around for "a lifetime".

 

[jaccat]

Can you focus on what you do have? What I mean to say is your work friends, for example, as a group you can begin to build a social life with, even if as a toe in the water. I know you wouldn't want to spend time with all of them but it seems some of them might be able to help you get comfortable being out and about as a single person again. Rather than focusing on what you feel you now don't have?

Later, when you feel up to it, and in whatever small ways, you can think about other ways of widening your friendships and social life, whatever that might look like. You have the freedom and the flexibility to do whatever you want, which I guess feels pretty overwhelming at the moment, but there's no set timescale it needs to be done in. It's not something you need to focus on right now.

Don't be afraid of being a 'one' instead of a 'two'. I don't profess to know much about relationships but I know how important it is to be comfortable with yourself and who you feel you are.

 

[Ice_Fire]

It’s hard because I am also realising just exactly how unhealthy and actually, emotionally abusive the realtionship has been. My friends have been saying so for ages, you guys here have been saying so for ages, my T has been saying so for ages…

It’s the codependency and the loss of my own identity. I feel like I have lived the last decade and changed a lot without knowing how I am or what I want in life. It’s all been revolving around her in almost every way.

Overwhelming is the word.

Big C and J and D are being amazing. I do have friends. Not many, but the ones I do have care a lot more than I thought they did. And my ex (wow that’s hard to write), cared a lot less than I thought she did.

 

[Ecdysis]

Well, you do realise that getting rid of a bad relationship is the best - and necessary - prerequisite for getting a good relationship, right?

There's an idea that unless you make "room" for something good in your life, by getting rid of something bad, then a good thing can't come to you.

Sounds like you've made room...

Now you have to learn to "bear" that room being there for something good...

And not to fill that hole with the next "bad" thing, just so it's filled...

Cos then there's no more room for a good thing, again...

 

[Ecdysis]

It’s the codependency and the loss of my own identity. I feel like I have lived the last decade and changed a lot without knowing how I am or what I want in life. It’s all been revolving around her in almost every way.

I found I had to work out the (deep) "reason" for this, in my case... And then I had my "reason" why this person and this relationship was in my life... And once I figured it out, it was okay... It felt okay... Not like a waste or a mistake or nothing...

 

[Ice_Fire]

@Ecdysis that’s a very wise and incredibly useful post thank you so much

 

[Friday]

Chapters end.

I know, I know. Still true.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's really brave of you to end this relationship. It's hard to walk away from something, even if you know it unhealthy. So: this shows your strength and your sense of self is there.
Hold onto how brave this is?

And with that braveness, comes opportunity. The unknown is scary. And it's hard 'starting again'. But also, the feelings of excitement can be similar to feeling scared? (I think?!)
So baby steps as you transition into this new place?

 

[Ice_Fire]

I’m realising I have better friends than I thought I did. Who are being incredible. I’m keeping busy, seeing folk. Endlessly moaning at them!

I’m finding it very hard not to feel exceedingly stupid now that I have stepped back and can see just how unhealthy it was.

 

[jaccat]

It's always a lot easier to see from the outside than when you're in it. Not one to beat yourself up over.