Sufferer A “new normal" post-trauma, or can I get back to where I was?

[Atticus]

I've been reading this forum for a few weeks, and I thought I'd post about where I was at with my PTSD.

So, I've had all sorts of symptoms for over six months now, including being in constant fight or flight, weight loss, palpitations, and intrusive thoughts that simply don't fade. But worst of all is the brain fog, as it makes me think I'm literally losing my mind. I've gotten medical clearance from my internist and a neurologist, and see a psychiatrist, which helps (I'm back to normal weight, heart rate is normal, and no longer amped all the time).

The best way I can explain it is that since I'm unable to be *present* as my mind is always elsewhere (replaying the traumatic event, wondering whether I have recourse, whether doing something is even worth it, since what's done is done, etc.), I'm unable to focus on whatever I'm doing. I suppose that makes sense, since that explains the difficulties I'm having. But it's not just that. I really do not feel as sharp as I was, and I often wonder will I ever get back to that point.

I'm getting the sense that I'll never be where I was at, that I've got to accept this as a new normal, that I have to somehow make peace with that, and re-acclimate to things.

Is that the experience of most here? That we're simply just *different* after a traumatic event? I'm not terribly happy with where I'm at, though I've made progress, even over the last couple of months. I'd be very curious to hear thoughts on this.......thanks for reading.

 

[Friday]

Is that the experience of most here? That we're simply just *different* after a traumatic event?

Just speaking for myself... not really.

At least, not in the sense that I’m simply stuck with symptoms, at this level, for good... so better figure out how to work around them.

That’s what I thought at first, and you could have knocked me over with a feather when I first found out how incredibly changeable symptoms are. I have another disorder that IS static (this is just the way it is, and will always be), so I treated this like that in the beginning. Low and behold? This ain’t that. Start f*cking around with PTSD symptoms, and they alter. Increasing, decreasing, more frequent, less frequent... it’s a super mobile / malleable disorder. Which is also why/how the entire point of trauma therapy? Is to get symptoms down to zero. Still have PTSD, sure, but undiagnoseable, because there simply aren’t any symptoms to diagnose. No panic attacks, no nightmares, no disassociation (fog), no depression, no anxiety, none of it. Or even just teeny tiny (pfft, who cares?) levels, like a few nightmares a year, a panic attack once every few months/years, no big deal.

The pain in the ass part is getting symptoms to move in the direction you want them to, and then telling them to sit/stay. PTSD is a cyclic disorder, that is extremely responsive to stress... so sometimes things slide out of control rather quickly. Especially when things one thinks are working, aren’t.

 

[ladee]

There is a saying ' we can't step in the same river twice'. Meaning the current of the water changes and so do we.

Will you think more clearly again? Yes! Will you see things as you did in the last clear space? No. That is the miracle of healing.

If my perspective does not change over time then I need to double down on certain healing practices. Or ride it out, OR the other gazillion things we do to heal.

I am now in Fibromyalgia fog a lot of the time. And yes, I am pissed about that. But at least the terrain is familiar. It does change and so do you and me.

 

[littleoc]

I thought that way once. But the more I work on it, the better I get. The progress was slow, then faster, then slowed down again, but it’s still there. And I’m less in a fog these days even during large amounts of stress.

You can get better and find your normal again. Even if it’s not EXACTLY the same, you can at least be comfortable and functional :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I think like this.....we can’t ever be the same as we were before....right? It’s like saying I want to be just like I was in high school. Not going to happen, for the simple fact that we are constantly changing in life. Things can become great again, but it still won’t be the same.

 

[Freida]

I guess it's like breaking your leg badly. You get surgery and a cast and physical therapy and it heals --but it will never go go back to what it was before the break. Same with ptsd.

 

[Fighter]

Life is damaging and more so when it comes from some one who was in the first place supposed to protect you

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm getting the sense that I'll never be where I was at, that I've got to accept this as a new normal, that I have to somehow make peace with that, and re-acclimate to things.

Well I would agree with this^. I don't think I'm going to be able to go back to where I was at but nor would I want to.. :wtf: The new normal for me is probably better than the old normal me... though I wish I'd not had to have this all happen to me. Living in ignorant bliss would probably have been fine... I think I've made peace with myself about my ptsd and to the most part, when symptoms come back, as they do, I try and put into practice the things that will sort the symptoms out rather than rail against the fact that I have this bloody disorder at all. It seems to be a waste of energy to fight that rather than work on myself. So, having come to that place acclimatising myself has been a natural process.

But it's not just that. I really do not feel as sharp as I was, and I often wonder will I ever get back to that point.

So.. when I'm really symptomatic that feeling of not being so sharp is very persistent. It's like my brain is too busy processing ...whatever.... to take notice of what I want it to do in the moment I am actually in. This is very irritating because my brain used to work quite well I think and I could make it concentrate on whatever I dictated it to do. Or I thought I could...

Now...when this fog descends... I try to accommodate it ...and not stress myself out with what I don't seem to be handling well in that moment. I can usually tell when the fog lifts and I can resume doing what I really want to do.

An example of this is when I am reading. I am quite capable of reading hundreds of pages and being unable to account for what I have read at all. :oops: That's a good time for me to stop reading and do something physically demanding that requires me to use muscles not brains... Or go do some exercise that is repetitive and doesn't require anything but muscle power. That allows my brain to wander off wherever it wants. I am aware that some ppl don't have this luxury and other's would suggest it's not being mindful or training my brain etc... maybe they're right too. But I still do it.. :)

 

[Atticus]

Appreciate the replies....

Interestingly, when I saw my shrink this week I had told her the only time I feel 'normal' (pre-trauma) is when I take the low-dose benzo she prescribed me. But she's not an advocate of daily benzo use given how easily one can get dependent on them, so I have to make due with the other stuff. I took one this afternoon, and since then, no instrusive thoughts, no being amped up, next-to-no anxiety. Makes me think how I took what was once a more-or-less normal life for granted, because PTSD, although not life-threatening (as far as I know), has mentally drained me more than the drinking problem I used to have. I used to down 2 liters of 80 proof whiskey a week, and had been doing that for years; after the trauma, I kept at it, but soon realized the whiskey was making things worse, and in any case, anyone who drinks 2 bottles of whiskey a week is inevitably headed for serious problems. So I quit drinking, I physically feel better now than I did a decade ago-- and my bloodwork also looks better, although my brain is scrambled most days, and that's psychologically debilitating.

My shrink told me to focus on the positives........and I suppose I traded in a burgeoning addiction since the traumatic event, so all is not lost. Also, I suppose, I like my new normal weight, which is 10lbs lighter than where I was.

I was also wondering..........what if a person had recourse against the perpetrator(s)? Does having a remedy (e.g. a legal remedy) against the perpetrators change the dynamic at all?

 

[Friday]

what if a person had recourse against the perpetrator(s)? Does having a remedy (e.g. a legal remedy) against the perpetrators change the dynamic at all?

IME it makes things worse. By a factor of about 8-20 depending on how well things go.

...Assuming... that seeking legal action does NOT cause a shitstorm (assaults, home invasions, rapes, threats to life -your own and those dear to you- attempts on your life or the lives of those around you, destruction of property, arson, stalking, blah blah blah. The standard asshole persuasion toolkit). <<< If THAT’S the case? x1000. Easily. Incalculable, also easily.

 

[Atticus]

Friday,

Fortunately nothing of that sort is likely to happen given my situation. What occurred to me was an unconscionable tort perpetrated by agents of a corporate entity.......so I'd go after the corporate entity for the maliciousness of its agents under a theory of vicarious liability. In this instance, getting back at the perpetrators (the agents) by going after the people who entrusted them not to engage in such reprehensible conduct. And in so doing, leaving the perpetrators helpless....and out of the picture. In other words, if I pursue the legal remedy available to me, I leave them totally defenseless to exact retribution. Of course, it's not entirely risk-free for me, but these people would not be able to retaliate against me. Since I've put them on notice that I'm still alive, pissed, and fully able to pursue action against the corporate entity they represent, I KNOW for a fact that they wake up each morning wondering if today's the day I'll drop the hammer, and they feel relief at the end of business day that I haven't (and I bet they feel that dread every weekday during business hours). I've given them a taste of what it's like to be helpless, anxious, furious (all the things I felt when I was in a situation I could not dictate).

What are your thoughts given the above?

 

[Atticus]

It's worth noting that since I put these people on notice, my PTSD has both improved and gotten worse......I no longer feel powerless like I did.....it's as if I took some measure of control back.......to that end, I think having a legal remedy helps. On the other hand, I obsess over it, get amped when I think about it, and find myself perpetually enraged at them, so it's made my symptoms worse too.