General A Change In My Reaction

[amethist]

For the last few days I have been changing my reaction to my husbands symptoms.

He has been frustrated with himself and had a few angry outbursts because of it. Being snappy and basically not himself, wanting to start an argument. For the last few days I have not risen to the bait, and this morning was no different.

He snapped at me when I asked him something, then asked me if I was going to the office, or did he have to go out instead.

I ignored his comment and told him to do what ever he wanted, as I was going to sort out the back bedroom ready for decorating. He was not happy about this, and told me to go out shopping or something.

As the last few days, I again told him to "Cut the crap, get your head out of your butt and deal with it" and to "Stop treating me as the enemy". All calmly and without any anger in my voice at all. I even suggested that he sort some wiring out on a bike he was fixing, as a distraction to what was going on in his head.

I did go up stairs to do what I intended, leaving him to do what ever he wanted, which turned out to be the wiring.

It wasn't long before he was talking to me normal again and apologizing for his out burst, also asking me if I wanted a cup of coffee.

So shifting my way of reacting, seems to be changing his too.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

I think this is very cool. :cool: I dislike when PTSD sufferers use their symptoms as an excuse to treat their partners poorly.

If more supporters would wise up and use the above strategy, their PTSD sufferer will think twice before lashing out. They will soon realize if they want the nice pampering and support from their supporter, they must treat them with love and respect.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...

Communication, communication, communication...

Good for you Amethist :tup:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

This is a lesson I wished I had learned years ago. WTG!!!!

It is better to stand your ground no matter what is said and done. It is better not to get intimitated. I am glad you had such great results. Al-anon teaches us not to take it personally, and go on and live a life anyway, and it will all blow over. I just wish I had known this one so many years ago. I was bullied and buried. I did'nt know it would just blow over if I had stood my ground and gone on with my life.

We have situations like this and it does'nt happen very much anymore, and I am getting my needs met. I do stand up for what is important to me now. It would have been good for my kids to see me like this. Well they do now. Congratulations on standing so strong for yourself. This is wonderful.:)

 

[PTSDMama]

Love it, Amethist! I recently read something in The Connected Child, where a mom had taken the beatings from her child because she felt that the child needed some sort of outlet and she was it. Even though I have never thought that way consciously, it made me start thinking about my reactions to C's violence toward me.

I had been coming at it from a direction of gentleness...which is what he needs. However, I don't think I had any strength behind the boundaries I've set for him. So gentleness, with strength. More recently, I've been very calmly stating to him over and over again, "You are not allowed to hurt mama. You can be mad, but you may not hurt mama. I love you, and I will not allow you to hurt me like this."

I agree with you, that the shift does a world of good. Keep it up and way to go!

 

[havingfaith]

So taking a firm stand and not letting him walk on you can work?
He never has time for us anymore and will go to work and work late and then to gym and then be tired and cancel dates. Last week I was fed up and went out with friends. Texted him i was going no response. He texted the next morning asked how it was. I said it was fine. Got nothing rest of the day like he was mad.

This is where I am not sure what to do. I don't live with him. So he has lots of alone time. I am so confused right now I am not sure what to do. Keeping away for that is where he has pushed me to.

 

[amethist]

Taking back control of your own life can be just as important havingfaith, not letting them walk all over you is part of that.

Taking a stand in the right way can work wonders, if he steps up then good, if he does not like what you are doing, then that is his problem to deal with not yours. After all you have had to put up with some of his stuff for a long time, so give it back to him to deal with.

 

[Trembling]

I wished I had the strength right now to do what you did.

I feel like I dropped down even more than the first times, or is it just getting worse for oneself?

I will have on my mind what you wrote and hopefully be capable in using.

 

[amethist]

None of this is easy Trembling, I just did what I thought was right, it could also have gone seriously wrong.

Still have up and down days, still fighting the PTSD demon, but working together and knowing he trust me to get it right, even when he does not agree with me, helps us both enormously. But this takes time for them to see that you are getting it right.

 

[discarded]

You are lucky Amethist. Setting boundaries with my husband got me a separation. I tried, I really did, but I failed miserably and I am now paying for it. I am living in a tiny villa with our 11 year old daughter and our 21 year old son and his girlfriend struggling to make ends meet, while he is living in our nice house. Why? Because I can't afford the mortgage and he doesn't have it in him to move out. Why? Because I decided enough was enough and I couldn't cop it anymore. He didn't like me standing up to him, he couldn't deal with a wife that finally had a voice. I know better than anyone how much he is struggling and in need of help, I pray everyday he gets it.

Got an email from him today, the first in a long time, and it was signed off not as he has always signed off but with his official job title. To add insult his job title is Team Leader, Rehabilitation and Benefits, Department of Veterans Affairs. No, it isn't a joke, though it should be. I guess by helping out other veterans all day he has nothing left and is overstressed by the time he came home. He could put in a claim for his own benefits and compensation and take the funds but then did nothing to help himself get better.

Sorry for venting, I have had a bad few weeks, trying to get over my marriage breakdown, getting conflicting advice about PTSD and how it affects the sufferer and the spouse. I admit I have done plenty wrong but I would do anything for this man, and that included moving out and giving him the space he needs. I love him and have been with him for 28 years. We have four wonderful children and we are all suffering.

I guess boundaries are good if set at the appropriate time and if the sufferer can at least see why you feel the need to set them. He isn't the one with the problem, I am of course.

 

[Whitneys story]

Good idea Amethist! When I was fortunate enough to have a good therapist we worked on action vs reaction. Amazing the difference it makes.

I think it goes along with the 5 second rule. It takes time to change our behavior, first we need to see it. Keep trying, Hugs Whitney

 

[amethist]

It has not been easy discarded, but when no one else would listen to him when he was at his lowest point, it was me who yelled and kicked doors down to get the help he needed. Since then he has relied on me to get it right for him. Maybe too much at times, but when there was no on else, what was I supposed to do.

It could have turned out completely differently, and who is to say things wont go pear shaped at some point.

 

[discarded]

I am pleased that it has worked out for you amethist. I guess every situation is different and every sufferer is different and will react differently to how offer of help.

The first time round he eventually sort help and took what was offered. This time is different, he just so desparately wants to be left alone. He doesn't believe any of us could possibly understand or relate to how he feels and he is probably right. It doesn't mean we don't want to try to or aren't prepared to learn what we can and listen to what he needs. This time he wants to go it alone and I can do nothing but give him his space.

I think it is time to get my life back, I devoted it to him and our family for years and after the hurtful things he has said (and I don't know anymore what is true or just words) I don't think I can take any more.