A Difference In Reaction

[Bluemoonwillow]

My brother and I both grew up in the same house, we were both either part of abuse or witnessed abuse. My brother was many times beaten by my dad, my mom would hold me back so I couldn't interfere, and afterwards I wasn't allowed to go to him to help him. I was seldom beaten, but I did experience sexual assault By trusted friends of the family. My brother is the one who told mom and dad what was going on. All this occurred in the same house. In his teen years my brother turned to drugs and alcohol, I turned to sex as self destructive behavior. I have cleaned up my act and for the most part doing better, he has been sober for almost 15 years. How is it that he can talk about what happened as if it was nothing and blow off the emotional aspect, while whenever things are mentioned and I start remembering I get sick, the flashbacks and panic attacks hit, I start to shut down. Sometimes I feel like we must have grown up in different households. Why is this, why isn't he tormented daily by the very thought of our childhood the way I am? Do I overreact to what happened, I know it wasn't in my head, but maybe I remember it worse than it was, but I know that isn't right either. Why is there a difference?

 

[AnnaLost]

This is just my opinion, so please, if I offend or am wrong, I apologize in advance.

I have found that one of the most damaging things to the psyche is the inability to stop something we know isn't right. It's worse, it seems, than the acts committed directly upon us. I don't know why. I know that I suffer most from those things that I couldn't prevent, couldn't change, than many of the things that were done to me. The helplessness does me in. It doesn't matter that I was five years old and watching another child get molested, there was nothing I could have done, really. I know that rationally, but...Even though the same was done to me, I can't help feel an overwhelming loss and guilt, soul wrenching grief, that I couldn't help that other child. To this day, any indication of abuse of a child will send me into a blood rage, and while not necessarily a bad thing, the degree it affects me isn't healthy either. I "check out".

I've been in contact with some of the children who were there with me, having the same things done to them. Some appear to be fine, others not so much. But none had the "fight back" attitude that I had. Maybe that's the difference for you, that you wanted to stop it, but were withheld from doing so?

 

[Friday]

5 people can experience the exact same abuse. 1 is fine. 1 has PTSD. 1 has DID. 1 becomes an abuser. 1 is a psychopath. If there were 10 people, there could be 10 different reactions to the same trauma. Or 20.

Why do you have PTSD? Why not psychopathy ii, or OCD, or GAD, or any of the dozens of possible trauma & stressor related disorders, or personality disorders, or become an abuser yourself?

Different people, different personalities, different brains.

 

[Friday]

On a personal note... My PTSD really comes from 3 places: What I did, What I didn't do, & What was done to me.

The shit I did, and the shit that was done to me, don't f*ck me up half as bad combined as the shit I didn't do. Either things I couldn't do, didn't know how to, or chose not to. That's what guts me, what f*cks with my head, what has its claws in deep.

That's just me. Why not a different way? Shrug. Because I am who I am.

 

[illusionist]

From my experience I have to agree with Anna.

I suffered many abuses daily throughout my childhood, along with my four foster brothers. I too witnessed and heard their screams and beatings...and the deep sorrow that I couldn't help them and stop it. I just zone out when I think about it....just can't handle the memories. I can handle thinking about what was done to me a lot, lot better.

One of my brothers used to sit in tears and let out his pain to me, in his early twenties. I would hear his words, see his pain but emotionally I didn't feel a thing....I wasn't connecting to what he was saying....I knew the things happened but my emotions were frozen. Fast forward and everything came crashing down hard on me.....I was now sitting the exact same way as my brother had been....I felt everything.

As Friday says....we all handle things differently.