Kas_Can_Fly
Diamond Member
I don't read a lot into my dreams, what I remember of them is usually so odd or more commonly a nightmare that I don't give them much of a second thought. I know that I am struggling at the moment and that for a long time all I've been having is nightmares. I know that they all reflect the struggles and problems I'm encountering while awake and/or underlying thought processes that can't be changed. The one I had the other night however has remained in my consciousness, imprinted in my memory and is bothering me, so here I am typing about a bad dream.
I was having an oddly pleasant dream, odd not only because of its nature but because both my grandmother and father were being nice, not nice to draw something out of you to use it against you, or because they wanted something, or because they were trying to fool other people around them into thinking that they were good people, but because (and this feeling strongly accompanied the dream) they cared genuinely.
Whilst I find that disturbing, the more the dream went on the more I got lulled into this sense of security and I was feeling happy that they cared and it was as if none of the bad things they did had happened, then my dad found out about my self harm and he was really upset, he hadn't seen it but had somehow learned of it. Later in the dream he found out that the true real life fact that I had been in hospital four times because of the self-harm and he was angry but still in a caring way. I got really scared of him when he was angry but forgave him because he was so said.
And then came the concern, this positive dream became bitter, but still shrouded in this sense of safety and that my dad was good and caring and loving. In the dream he saw my arms and very sadly and caringly said how bad they were, but also with out directly saying it, implied that I hadn't done it enough, nor had I done it "properly" and in a way that I barely recognised that I should kill myself by cutting so deep, because I wasn't good enough for life. Shortly after more niceness I woke up.
I woke up with the overwhelming sense of sickness of how he was in the dream, him genuinely being nice was mildly confusing but so sickening at the same time that I couldn't believe it, but the level of unconscious manipulation to get me to want to kill myself and to cut so deep was really wrong. Now I realise it was a dream and he wasn't being nice. It was a dream and he wasn't being manipulative conscious or unconsciously that was my subconscious and the dream. But that feeling - and an irrationally strong feeling to cut deeply/kill myself was there still, in fact it was stronger than it was in my dream and even worse I had a strong underlying feeling that I should do it for him, for his appraisal, to be a good girl and do what he wanted too and four days later that feeling is still there lurking behind my consciousness shrouded in what I know to be my own feeling: revulsion.
This isn't the only dream that I have had that has sneakily been a nightmare - in fact I usually don't refer to my nightmares as nightmares but as bad dreams because that is what they are, but it's affected me so deeply that I don't really know how to deal with it. I mean it doesn't control my whole life, but its there lurking, prodding me for another glance and I just want to make it stop and go away.
Mostly I just wanted to vent, but seeing as you've read this I'll give two accompanying questions: Does anyone else have dreams/nightmares like this? And, how do you make the residual feelings of a dream/nightmare go away.
I was having an oddly pleasant dream, odd not only because of its nature but because both my grandmother and father were being nice, not nice to draw something out of you to use it against you, or because they wanted something, or because they were trying to fool other people around them into thinking that they were good people, but because (and this feeling strongly accompanied the dream) they cared genuinely.
Whilst I find that disturbing, the more the dream went on the more I got lulled into this sense of security and I was feeling happy that they cared and it was as if none of the bad things they did had happened, then my dad found out about my self harm and he was really upset, he hadn't seen it but had somehow learned of it. Later in the dream he found out that the true real life fact that I had been in hospital four times because of the self-harm and he was angry but still in a caring way. I got really scared of him when he was angry but forgave him because he was so said.
And then came the concern, this positive dream became bitter, but still shrouded in this sense of safety and that my dad was good and caring and loving. In the dream he saw my arms and very sadly and caringly said how bad they were, but also with out directly saying it, implied that I hadn't done it enough, nor had I done it "properly" and in a way that I barely recognised that I should kill myself by cutting so deep, because I wasn't good enough for life. Shortly after more niceness I woke up.
I woke up with the overwhelming sense of sickness of how he was in the dream, him genuinely being nice was mildly confusing but so sickening at the same time that I couldn't believe it, but the level of unconscious manipulation to get me to want to kill myself and to cut so deep was really wrong. Now I realise it was a dream and he wasn't being nice. It was a dream and he wasn't being manipulative conscious or unconsciously that was my subconscious and the dream. But that feeling - and an irrationally strong feeling to cut deeply/kill myself was there still, in fact it was stronger than it was in my dream and even worse I had a strong underlying feeling that I should do it for him, for his appraisal, to be a good girl and do what he wanted too and four days later that feeling is still there lurking behind my consciousness shrouded in what I know to be my own feeling: revulsion.
This isn't the only dream that I have had that has sneakily been a nightmare - in fact I usually don't refer to my nightmares as nightmares but as bad dreams because that is what they are, but it's affected me so deeply that I don't really know how to deal with it. I mean it doesn't control my whole life, but its there lurking, prodding me for another glance and I just want to make it stop and go away.
Mostly I just wanted to vent, but seeing as you've read this I'll give two accompanying questions: Does anyone else have dreams/nightmares like this? And, how do you make the residual feelings of a dream/nightmare go away.
