A Dilemma (venting)

[Junie-pie]

For some reason I feel like I'll never be truly better. I feel like everyone around me who knows about my ptsd/bpd/Addictive personality/ all my other problems is just sticking around b/c they pity me. I feel as if I don't truly belong anywhere. Everyone says I'm physically showing improvement but I just don't feel like deep down I'm better. Truthfully, I still feel like the scared girl I was last year, just after being raped by someone who said they loved me. I trust people too fast, but I also hate nearly everyone around me and worry they secretly hate me too. Just the thought of being vunerable makes me sick. I feel as if my "betterness" is an act. Like I'm just repressing everything deep down. I feel out of place everywhere I go. The only thing that gets me up in the morning anymore is taking care of my Sunfire dwarf hamster, Oberon, and my 4 hermit crabs, because I don't trust anyone else to take care of them. I feel the need to get rid of all my things and just make room for more animals, because they seem to be the only thing keeping me happy...
I know it's ridiculous to say but I feel like I don't belong. Anywhere. I feel like a tiny leaf blowing in the wind and there's nobody to catch me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to belong but I don't know who I am. I don't know who I am at all.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

For some reason I feel like I'll never be truly better

I feel the same way, but I keep trying anyway, even when i have S/I. There is really no alternative except to continue trying. I know feeling that way comes from having negative core values and belief and its a cognitive perception that is often distorted. Even knowing that I still feel that way.

So I completely understand. Please keep on trying and enlist our support when you need it.

 

[Esterio]

For some reason I feel like I'll never be truly better. I feel like everyone around me who knows abou...

Thanks for the post Junie-pie.
Anima's a good they are none judgemental. I hear what you are saying. Sending you strength and compassion for your journey, That feeling of not fitting in is really there for me also and has been for a long time. I'm hoping to fit in here.
Peace Be Safe

 

[Freedomfighter]

For some reason I feel like I'll never be truly better. I feel like everyone around me who knows abou...

You are in a tunnel of pain and that is normal. That is horrible of what happened to you. I don't think it is right to place the responsibility on victims for their behavior if they get abused. Even my own son is doing that. In a normal world we should be able to trust that people will do the right thing, and it is human nature to trust others, to work with them and to communicate with them. That is actually normal, but then if a predator strikes out and hurts you after you trusted him or her, well then instantly we are being placed into a mold by other people: well we should not have trusted that person......
Then all the warning bells go off in my head. I think it is human to have trustful relationships. When I grew up in Europe I never had to worry about that. I was very good friends with a male for several years and I trusted that person. We did all kinds of things together, partied, went to different places, and never ever was my trust betrayed by that person. Never did that person attempt to do anything to me that I disliked, rather actually got me out of some tricky situations when I could not help myself.

I like that fact that I am learning that most people will instantly to attempt to shift the victim into a role of : well you should have........

Ahem, if a victim trusts a person it is not the victims fault if the other person then attempts to violate them. Human trust is totally normal and a necessary ingredient to actually work with others. But in this country I have learned that human trust is misused by predators to get what they want while they calculate that any person that trusts them is then a potential victim.

How could that ever be placed on a victim's shoulders?