J, I'm not even sure where to begin. I'm sure there must be some lingering anger, confusion, and resentment for the ways I acted during our relationship, and for the things I've done.
I knew from the start you were something wholly different than i had encountered before. We were just two damaged souls, seeking someone to patch up the wounds. I could see in your eyes from that very first time, you looked at me like no one ever had before. It was like you were seeing me from the inside out. I have to admit, it was a little scary, but also exhilarating.
I've never met someone so selfless, so caring, in my entire life. You only ever tried to show me that despite how cruel the world can be, there is hope, there is beauty, there is love, if you only look for it. You continued to try to show me that throughout our entire relationship. Even when every single day I felt like I didn't deserve to have you in my life, you continued to show me how much I meant to you. You tried to make me into a better man, Not because you didn't think I was good enough, but because you knew that I wasn't living up to my full potential.
The things that I've said, the things that I've done, the ways that I've acted, you know that isn't me. You've seen the real me, dealt with the real me. The funny, smiling, laughing man you fell in love with. Anything that I have said was an outburst of anger and resentment, that was always directed at myself. I have a tremendous amount of guilt trapped inside from everything that happened with T. That guilt manifests itself in many less than healthy ways, drinking, emotional avoidance, and anger.
I don't think I ever truly let on just how stressful my new job had become. I think the job had a lot to do with my relapse into the way things became. I much like most people thought, if I just tough it out for one more day, one more week, one more month things will just magically get better. I know now that is an absolutely foolish line of thinking. I know you wanted me to get better for the both of us, for our future together. All things being said, you probably had at least a general idea what was wrong, my therapist has decided to begin treating me for PTSD.
I want to truly thank you for letting me be a part of your life. You gave me hope when I had none. You had my back, and my best interests in mind when I had absolutely no one to fall back on. You and your entire family welcomed me with open arms. Internally that really gave me something to strive for in the future, a future I had hoped to spend with you.
There may be no amount of words that will ever get you to forgive me. There may never be enough words to paint a picture beautiful enough to make up for the things that I have done. The fact of the matter is I truly regret the things that I have done. You may never forgive me, but I hope that some day you can.
Love always,
M
I knew from the start you were something wholly different than i had encountered before. We were just two damaged souls, seeking someone to patch up the wounds. I could see in your eyes from that very first time, you looked at me like no one ever had before. It was like you were seeing me from the inside out. I have to admit, it was a little scary, but also exhilarating.
I've never met someone so selfless, so caring, in my entire life. You only ever tried to show me that despite how cruel the world can be, there is hope, there is beauty, there is love, if you only look for it. You continued to try to show me that throughout our entire relationship. Even when every single day I felt like I didn't deserve to have you in my life, you continued to show me how much I meant to you. You tried to make me into a better man, Not because you didn't think I was good enough, but because you knew that I wasn't living up to my full potential.
The things that I've said, the things that I've done, the ways that I've acted, you know that isn't me. You've seen the real me, dealt with the real me. The funny, smiling, laughing man you fell in love with. Anything that I have said was an outburst of anger and resentment, that was always directed at myself. I have a tremendous amount of guilt trapped inside from everything that happened with T. That guilt manifests itself in many less than healthy ways, drinking, emotional avoidance, and anger.
I don't think I ever truly let on just how stressful my new job had become. I think the job had a lot to do with my relapse into the way things became. I much like most people thought, if I just tough it out for one more day, one more week, one more month things will just magically get better. I know now that is an absolutely foolish line of thinking. I know you wanted me to get better for the both of us, for our future together. All things being said, you probably had at least a general idea what was wrong, my therapist has decided to begin treating me for PTSD.
I want to truly thank you for letting me be a part of your life. You gave me hope when I had none. You had my back, and my best interests in mind when I had absolutely no one to fall back on. You and your entire family welcomed me with open arms. Internally that really gave me something to strive for in the future, a future I had hoped to spend with you.
There may be no amount of words that will ever get you to forgive me. There may never be enough words to paint a picture beautiful enough to make up for the things that I have done. The fact of the matter is I truly regret the things that I have done. You may never forgive me, but I hope that some day you can.
Love always,
M
