My retired Canadian Vet has not told me all that much about his deployments that started in the early '90's. He has only said they were often back to back without much down time, that he is not a good person. (a few times), and once that some civilians look at them as monsters. He is kind of stoic, walls up that come down in very small pieces with me, isolates often and has trouble being close at times.
As I tend to contemplate things *a lot* and I want very much for him to understand that although I only really know how he is now, I would not judge him for the situations he (or other Vets, for that matter) have been in.
I am sharing my letter here in hopes that it may be of some meaning to other supporters and/or those with military based PTSD.
I definitely don't claim to be in the know about these situations and I am hoping that I didn't word this letter to him terribly. These are just a few of my feelings and thoughts over time, based on other Vet's stories and those of my good and thoughtful U.S. Marine friend who lost his life this summer to suicide.
If I have something misunderstood or could delve more into something for my own knowledge, please feel free to share your thoughts with me.
Thanks for reading!
*********************
I hope I don't make you upset with me, but you have opened the door a few times in the past saying that you are not a good person/good man, and I wanted to respond further.
I've read some pretty horrific stuff of things people have done in fear and sheer anger/rage not always a one off, but repeated times, even. In retrospect, they are very pained by their actions. I didn't feel the need to judge. I truly cannot imagine the relentless stress of not knowing what'll happen each day.
They lose comrades, they see people potentially disguised as civilians doing shitty things to others in plain view, or the disguised walk on by abd around a corner, then commit some deadly act, not to be found - yet the soldier cannot do anything but walk away because they are not allowed to shoot what is dressed like a civvie as they will face severe punishment.
In an unpredictable place with unimaginable things witnessed, rules for the military, but none for the enemy, little real rest or time to process events and feelings - it is bound to sometimes create behaviour that was not always well thought out, but was a release and a vindication. Things may finally just have hit that tipping point.
The way I look at people who've done things that are way off base, cruel, etc in a highly abnormal situation, is that if they end up feeling regret or remorse, then I'd say they are a good person at heart. My heart just actually aches for them that they were ever put between a rock and a hard place that caused them to lose control, feel rage and contempt or that caused them to pause in self preservation when shit hits the fan.
We're all human and it can go either way, regardless of training or personal morals. That would weigh heavy on them and they may have a difficult time reconciling the events, especially if they don't feel they'd be understood in their actions when they return home. People that are quick to judge on those situations have never had to walk in those shoes. I've not felt disgust at the stories I've read about people who normally were decent people in their lives. Life during ongoing conflict never makes sense, I'm sure.
I don't know why you say what you do about yourself ~
But, if you're not still being a 'bad person', try to go easier on yourself. If you paused in fear and that had consequences - you're human, not bad - and if anyone truly was in your shoes at that moment, they'd probably have done the same. No amount of deconditioining will *always* outride our biological self preservation. Confusion, surprise and fear are powerful.
So, whatever your story is, you obviously care and are a decent person at heart because you feel you are "a bad person". At the time, you did the best you could under the circumstances. Some of it, if in the same situation, you may see yourself doing again.
I see it this way - it's important to remember that one's mindset and the collective mindset combined, in a chaotic (physically/mentally/emotionally) situation is very different than what it is when they're not under threat or under constant unpredictability. One can't know what they don't know and they can't know what they'd do until they end up in it. Rules for the military while being a free for all for the enemy, would not make decisions tidy at times.
With love,
__________
As I tend to contemplate things *a lot* and I want very much for him to understand that although I only really know how he is now, I would not judge him for the situations he (or other Vets, for that matter) have been in.
I am sharing my letter here in hopes that it may be of some meaning to other supporters and/or those with military based PTSD.
I definitely don't claim to be in the know about these situations and I am hoping that I didn't word this letter to him terribly. These are just a few of my feelings and thoughts over time, based on other Vet's stories and those of my good and thoughtful U.S. Marine friend who lost his life this summer to suicide.
If I have something misunderstood or could delve more into something for my own knowledge, please feel free to share your thoughts with me.
Thanks for reading!
*********************
I hope I don't make you upset with me, but you have opened the door a few times in the past saying that you are not a good person/good man, and I wanted to respond further.
I've read some pretty horrific stuff of things people have done in fear and sheer anger/rage not always a one off, but repeated times, even. In retrospect, they are very pained by their actions. I didn't feel the need to judge. I truly cannot imagine the relentless stress of not knowing what'll happen each day.
They lose comrades, they see people potentially disguised as civilians doing shitty things to others in plain view, or the disguised walk on by abd around a corner, then commit some deadly act, not to be found - yet the soldier cannot do anything but walk away because they are not allowed to shoot what is dressed like a civvie as they will face severe punishment.
In an unpredictable place with unimaginable things witnessed, rules for the military, but none for the enemy, little real rest or time to process events and feelings - it is bound to sometimes create behaviour that was not always well thought out, but was a release and a vindication. Things may finally just have hit that tipping point.
The way I look at people who've done things that are way off base, cruel, etc in a highly abnormal situation, is that if they end up feeling regret or remorse, then I'd say they are a good person at heart. My heart just actually aches for them that they were ever put between a rock and a hard place that caused them to lose control, feel rage and contempt or that caused them to pause in self preservation when shit hits the fan.
We're all human and it can go either way, regardless of training or personal morals. That would weigh heavy on them and they may have a difficult time reconciling the events, especially if they don't feel they'd be understood in their actions when they return home. People that are quick to judge on those situations have never had to walk in those shoes. I've not felt disgust at the stories I've read about people who normally were decent people in their lives. Life during ongoing conflict never makes sense, I'm sure.
I don't know why you say what you do about yourself ~
But, if you're not still being a 'bad person', try to go easier on yourself. If you paused in fear and that had consequences - you're human, not bad - and if anyone truly was in your shoes at that moment, they'd probably have done the same. No amount of deconditioining will *always* outride our biological self preservation. Confusion, surprise and fear are powerful.
So, whatever your story is, you obviously care and are a decent person at heart because you feel you are "a bad person". At the time, you did the best you could under the circumstances. Some of it, if in the same situation, you may see yourself doing again.
I see it this way - it's important to remember that one's mindset and the collective mindset combined, in a chaotic (physically/mentally/emotionally) situation is very different than what it is when they're not under threat or under constant unpredictability. One can't know what they don't know and they can't know what they'd do until they end up in it. Rules for the military while being a free for all for the enemy, would not make decisions tidy at times.
With love,
__________
