A lifetime of dissociation?

[Flr8]

This came up in therapy last week right as we were ending, and I don't know what to make of it. Hoping some of you might have some insights.

I was describing how all of my memories are of viewing myself as if in the third person. I gave an example of riding a bike around my neighborhood when I was a kid. This is not a traumatic incident. I was just riding my bike and have a faint memory of that - but when I recall it, I'm not sitting on the bike myself - I can see myself riding the bike.

My therapist said that it could be that I was dissociated, since it sounded like I was not in my body. But I explained that all of my memories are like that. Does that mean that I just live in this perpetual state of dissociation? That I'm not really living in this life at all?

I have experienced dissociation in therapy when talking about trauma, so I know what that feels like.

I also know that I have a lot of work to do yet to get myself to be "present." If I'm never in the "here and now," then would it make sense that my memories look like this?

 

[TheSeeker]

Wow....reading this, I realize i never thought to even question that all of my memories growing up, no matter how benign, are always in the third person, too.
I have no idea if that means anything either...
it's like when you grow up in an abusive environment, or however you grow up-and never think to question it, as you assume that's "just how it is" for everybody.
Over the last few years in therapy I have finally come to realize that I have lived in a constant state of dissociation almost all of my life, whether mild or severe. Do you feel like you have, as well? Or is that what you are trying to work out?

I too, have to fight to be present. That is another thing that I assume is fairly common, honestly-is it just me? Or am I conflating the type of "being present" that so many of us here find so hard to achieve, with the lack of "being present" that seems so prevalent in people in general these days?

 

[Riot]

I don't know if there is any real research on the point of view in memory, but I wanted to reach out and let you know that I have experienced the same phenomenon with my own memories. When coming to understand my own symptoms, and dissociation in particular, I realized that when I had a memory 'in third person' that it was a memory formed while dissociating.

I had that realization only by chance, while reviewing journal entries regarding past trauma, and only after coming to understand what dissociation is, that I was able to categorize more and more of my memories this way. I too, was also worried that as more of these 'types' of memories came forward, that perhaps far too many were from this point of view.

Although I don't know much on the subject academically, and what I'm sharing is from personal experience only, I suspect that this sort of perspective isn't a phenomenon in of itself. Looking back on my childhood experience, I've noticed an awful awful lot of maladaptive daydreaming and similar means of coping with reality. I sometimes wonder if this somehow plays a part in the way I am able to conjure up my memories, since falling into my own head space comes with an uncanny ease.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't personally believe all memories like described are necessarily memories of dissociation. I have an inkling that over time you may (as I am able) to consciously practice changing the perspective of the memory. I am personally fascinated with this idea and hope that there are more in depth studies of this in the near future.

I wanted to finish by saying that I find comfort in looking at dissociative memories as a thought exercise. Try it out, if you're inclined. You may find that some memories seem more flexible because of mankind's ability to look upon past events from new perspectives--that you may not have had enough prior life experience to apply before. This can be a really fascinating and liberating realization, to see how our evolved or later perspective influences our most emotional memories.

I can see where at times this can seem unsettling, but try to see it as evidence that you're going through personal growth, and explore your feelings from your different life perspectives. It can be quite liberating and healing!

 

[Flr8]

@TheSeeker thank you so much for your reply, it makes me feel less alone with this! It is very confusing!

When I first diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago (something in particular set it off as an adult, but I had experienced developmental trauma throughout my childhood), my therapist explained that I had been "functionally dissociative" prior to the PTSD symptoms becoming "active." I think that sounds similar to what you have described - that you have lived in this state, though on a continuum, throughout your life.

It's so hard to know what a "normal" memory experience when you have no frame of reference. I only know what my own experience is.

I understand your words about fighting to be present. Even when I remember a time when I was really actively working on "being present" (I have a specific memory of watching the sun come up with a special someone), my memory of experiencing that sunrise is in the third person... I see myself sitting in a chair with the special someone. And the memory is dim at that.

To answer your question, I think there are different types of "present." The one that relates to PTSD has more to do with fighting dissociation, whereas the other is more general in trying to slow down from the rat race of life.

 

[Flr8]

@Riot gosh that gives me some hope that maybe I will be able to "fix" this! I think there are physiological issues that may go beyond what I have the influence of changing, but there is so much yet to be learned on the subject!

 

[Riot]

Sometimes I think that this is where radical acceptance takes a part in living. We radically accept things at microscopic levels all the time, but it's the biggies that really get to us. Dissociation has been a huge, enormous even, part of my life, but in accepting the reality of it as it is, and attempting to understand it on a personal level, I inherently become more adaptive and flexible.

Self compassion is something to think about here, too. Celebrate your milestones, big and small. Give yourself permission to congratulate yourself or acknowledge your self improvement, even if you don't feel as though you have made any progress. I feel like this is absolutely crucial, and even if nothing else, at the end of the day, you have this to cherish and be grateful for.


Good luck guest, in your journey.

 

[Iamsensative]

Sometimes I think that this is where radical acceptance takes a part in living. We radically accept things...

@Riot Love this! Thank you

 

[provencepearl]

I have very few memories of childhood. One I can remember is riding in a car from grandparents' home in another state to the airport. I can remember telling myself I wanted to be able to remember that moment. Strange thought. But for whatever reason, it worked. I can remember that moment.

 

[Beans]

Same. Thing about dissociation is until you're aware of the condition or coming out of it, you don't realize that you do it. I'm 30 and I've just now started coming our of dissociation. I had 3 main memories of my childhood til recently. All traumatic. I've been thinking hard during my processing lately and a handful more came up- all traumatic, as well. I know there's a sexual abuse bit too that hasn't yet come up. recenly however I've heard 2 dif places (maybe two dif pple on this site?) that you don't have to remember everything, just the patterns and I've been working from there with success.

What is strange though now, is that even past my childhood my story feels pretty blank, as if i've just been floating through life. My memories are still 3rd person (me watchin myself) rather than 1st person (me being in my body.) Thankfully I haven't lost time except possibly in childhood which i can't remember. it's just like i've been dissociated just enough that i'm aware of everything going on but numbed out, not engaged or recording any new stuff. I think most of my life i've also lacked routine and routine is supposed to help memory as well. Hmm anyway I'm going to talkto my therapist about my more current memories. It really has been like there hasn't been a self most of my life. Just a something floating through. Oh well this is the life i have. shrug.

 

[Flr8]

@RealisticandHopeful that description fits exactly with what I've said before to my therapist - that I've just been floating through life. I quite literally feel like I don't have anything grounding me to the earth, which I think both reflects the dissociation and a number of other issues (lacking certain awareness / daily living skills, for example). But, like, you, I don't loose time or anything like that, and I definitely don't have DID. All memories are just through the third person point of view.

My therapist has gone over ways to practice mindfulness so that I can be more "present" in my body, but sometimes I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is different.

Thanks for sharing your experience.