Hi Sara
It sounds as though you have been preyed upon by some pretty vile people from a young age, with your mother enabling it to happen, instead of protecting you as she was supposed to.
As kids we are incredibly vulnerable, and there are so many twisted, corrupted opportunists in the world that will happily inflict their toxicity on children and adolescents. Our parents should be the main barrier protecting us from this. You got a pretty raw deal, with a mother who sounds as though she never really developed enough to give you the nurturing and protection that you should have had.
Some people get shat on from the day that they're born, and they allow it to twist their personalities. They become cruel, hard, and transfer their pain onto more vulnerable people. Maybe this was the case with your mother. Other people buck against the trend and actually come out the other end with greater compassion. They discover that they can nurture themselves by helping other people.
As devastated as you're feeling. You can take comfort in knowing that you're not like the people who have abused you throughout your life. You're better than your mother, her partners, and the degenerate who raped you. By choosing not to inflict harm on other people – you set yourself apart from them.
You may have been the victim of abuse, but at least you yourself are not a child abuser, or a rapist.
People will abandon you – I think that’s just the nature of PTSD. I know first hand how the loss of a relationship can be the final straw that pushes you over the edge. My PTSD is the consequence of trusting and getting close to people who were not trustworthy. People who appeared to be friends, but manipulated and deceived me – gradually dragging me down.
Be careful who you trust. You are vulnerable, and as I’m sure you realise, there’s plenty of people who will take advantage of that. The only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Be forgiving of yourself, be kind to yourself, and be really cautious about who you let in. Be careful about how much you tell people about yourself. Giving people information about you, gives them power over you. Let people prove themselves to be (at least) semi-trustworthy before you give them your confidence.
That goes for doctors as well. A lot of them simply couldn’t give a shit. They’ll write you up for oxazepam; midazolam; temazepam; ****-azapem, send you on your way, and they think they’ve done their job. No doctor or psych will ever have the same investment in your wellbeing that you do. Responsibility for your health – for what does or does not go into your body ultimately rests with you. Medication does not work for everyone. Find someone who shows interest in your condition and does more than just hand you a prescription. Watch the sleeping tablets, if you get addicted to those, you’ll wish that you just had insomnia.
Keep enduring
