A Long Time In Therapy And Not Even Scratching The Surface

[Tinyflame]

I think it depends how locked-down or terrified you are.

 

[Panda Bear]

It took me a while to open up and just spit out what needed to be said....

Trust took way longer than it should have and after a while, it became a conscience choice on my part. Lots of days, I chose to just hold tight and be an ass wad. T had done everything in his power and with in his skill level to get me to open up and take the reigns. At some point, I had to take a hold and put his trustworthiness to the test and spill the beans. There was no way I could say "I don't trust you" if you hand't EVER given me reason not to and he had put countless hours into proving he could be trusted.

It wasn't like I didn't have a butt load of trauma to spill, or issues around trust, connection, relationships and attachment, because I did. BUT it did become a choice. I had to choose to talk, I had to. I had to make the effort despite the pain I felt to open up and release the issues at hand.

T and I had many conversations and many frustrations around it, too. At many times he told me...we need move forward(because I had proven to be capable of opening up and talking) or we need to pause until your ready. Sometimes we need tough love from our guiding hands. If I had it may way, I'd fight till the death. Even 4yr later, I still have to sit and tell myself that I NEED TO SPEAK and I MUST WORK! It gets easier, but it won't if you keep holding back.

Don't squander your time, it'll only make things harder down the road. If you've got the skills and a good partner to keep you on the path to healing, speak....don't hold it in.

This is me..and tough love. Sorry, I get, I really really do. I've been at the start and can now see the finish line. So many things I wish I had done differently. And holding back and keeping some sort of 'timeline' as to when it might be okay to open up, is one of them.

 

[Tinyflame]

You know, I think it's not 'trust' per se that is so hard entirely, as knowing how dealing with the fallout of broken trust feels.

Plus, you have to totally rely on the other person not hurting you. :(

 

[Panda Bear]

Butt that's the thing, you're going to get hurt and trust will be broken. Ts are human and will make mistakes too.

I put my trust in Ts hands and we both practiced being human, getting hurt and learning what restoration looks and feels like when a person damages trust. T made loads of mistakes and yes, he hurt me. BUT he also apologized, and sought my forgiveness when he made mistakes. Same for me....I hurt him too, and needed to ask for his forgiveness.

We're always going to get hurt, let this trust and relationships help to restore the wounds on both ends of the spectrum.

But I agree, the fallout is much worse. But we can learn now to properly handle that fallout should it happen.

 

[Tinyflame]

But I agree, the fallout is much worse. But we can learn now to properly handle that fallout should it happen.

How do we learn that @Panda Bear ?

Through my life I've suffered gross repercussions from others when they re hurt/ disappointed, I disagree or don't consent, they feel I am at fault (sometimes I am) etc.

 

[Tinyflame]

And I've trusted very harmful/ violent people.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess too I don't expect to be forgiven. I am a Frigg-Up too often. :(

 

[watundah]

This is a good question. Trust is the final frontier for many of us.
I think there are several things in play. We have to gain trust at our own speed. Many here say if you can't open up, get a new T, or pick it up because you're wasting time, just open your mouth. It really is not that easy for folks who have turned inward vs acting out. Sometimes the mind is so shut down, there simply are no words. It can take years for some of us. And that's just the way it is. Keeping that in the forefront and asking your T for alternative means of expression are most helpful. Learning to trust my T has been a huge hurdle, as she's not "surface level" like most of my friends, she's drilling down to the dark goo that no one gets to see and that takes a long time to wrap one's head around.
Overall, you deal with your trauma and work to understand how to trust, and you make better choices in who to trust.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow was just going to check this and got a mail I was forgiven! :wideeyed: :)

That is right, depends on the person. Good to acknowledge and try, so as to give credit, find hope. Thank you @Panda Bear and @watundah.

 

[Tinyflame]

i've been thinking very deeply & honestly about what was written here.

I've been thnking too, how I over-reacted to minor info about myself 'out there' (because of fear). It would have been an appropriate response if I was in the Witness Protection Program, but not 'as is'.

It was awful :( , to mentally lash out at the only person who's encouraged me to keep trying, accepted my faults & ptsd, and never harmed me for them. And has been there in my times of need, & known what to do. Totally undeserved response. How awful. :(

I put my trust in Ts hands and we both practiced being human, getting hurt and learning what restoration looks and feels like when a person damages trust. T made loads of mistakes and yes, he hurt me. BUT he also apologized, and sought my forgiveness when he made mistakes. Same for me....I hurt him too, and needed to ask for his forgiveness.

Wow .. and got a mail I was forgiven! :wideeyed: :)

That is what you mean. :)

I was thinking too on how I concentrate on the negatives. Just finished (in my mind) pointing out on how all was 'too much', but the truth is wow, so much overcome or helped surmounting.

There was no way I could say "I don't trust you" if you hand't EVER given me reason not to and he had put countless hours into proving he could be trusted.

I am silly (because of fear). The real truth is they are the only person who makes me feel safe. :notworthy:

 

[Panda Bear]

I've been thnking too, how I over-reacted to minor info about myself 'out there' (because of fear). It would have been an appropriate response if I was in the Witness Protection Program, but not 'as is'.

Junebug......I have been here a million times over and sadly, it's a cycle that doesn't seem to end. Gets easier and more reasonable in my brain, but still it's work.

Anyways, I really appreciate you're extra thought into what I had to say. Shows how truly awesome you are! You're not "silly"' in any way! You're a person who has been hurt, who has normal reactions to extremely painful events. This doesn't make you silly!

I hope you have an amazing day.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw @Panda Bear , how amazing you are! :hug: Thank you for your hopefulness. :hug:

I hope this isn't interfering with the thread, I did realize this much: I am so terrified I take everyone's words at equal face value, including gossipers, people I don't know, geez the stranger on the corner. :( :rolleyes:

It came to me today, "but how do I know who is/ isn't lying?" I can only think, when someone has shown goodness, strength, are kind, they are the capable one, surely that must have less risk that they are not trustworthy?

I do feel I wish I could scream (figuratively speaking, as I have no desire to actually do so), "You don't understand!! You don't know how people have been/ acted/ what's been done in the past! With a similar script but terrible ending! How do I know this isn't going to be the same??? " Ugh. Therein lays the fear. It's more limbic than using higher cognitive abilities, apparently you can't when terrified out of your skin. But of course the intelligent answer likely is "they aren't 'them' ".

Why strangers can rattle me or terrify me or manipulate me like that gets to me, because I don't value their thoughts or devalue whose I should know, which makes me very sorry for how I freak out/ get terrified/ doubt.:( I seem to have no capacity to go, "That person is a jerk', or a gossip, or foul, or trouble-causing, or underhanded, or violent (or 'psycho' ), or whatever.

So scratching the surface= what is revealed but I feel except for saying the above to be understood just not details I'd want to talk about or remember. :eek::nailbiting::wtf::cry::bawling::nailbiting: Even writing this hurts. :( I don't even know how to bridge most topics/ anything in the past. Let alone doing it 'sitting', with a stranger. :(

Thank you dear panda bear :hug: .