A Messed Up Me

[Sazza]

Right now I feel totally messed up, I am not sure what I feel or what I think other than this feels like hell. I am not sure right now I ever see a way forward, I can't trust people to let them in. I Don't trust professionals as far as could throw them and right now that wouldn't be far as don't have the energy.

Haven't been posting about me for a while as I'm Clearly stuck and don't Want be repetitive and to seem like I am moaning all time. I nipped out earlier and was just in daze And jumping at every little thing. So isolated at the moment. Not sure point of this post as probably add to my paranoia and doesn't even touch the surface just trying to reach out something I been quite poor at lately.

 

[CraftyCath]

Hey Sazza, you are not alone.

I'm terrified of meeting people and have been hurt so much by others that reaching out makes me physically sick. When I have to meet someone I get D&V and can't eat but I don't want to stay isolated either.

You know how I feel about professionals. That's why I pay for a therapist, it gives me more control as HE is working for ME.

Don't worry about the need to vent Sazza, that's what we we are here for. It is an awful struggle we face on a daily basis and we all tend to want to be done with it and move on. I feel like a garden snail. A human can cross my garden in a few strides whilst it takes me days! Slow progress and sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards.

If I didn't have this place and my new T I think I would be dead. But I'm fighting on and refusing to give up even if I am in a mess sometimes. WE didn't do this to ourselves, SOMEONE ELSE did!

Do something you enjoy sweetie, to cheer yourself up a bit. I'm here if you need a shoulder. x

 

[Sazza]

Thanks for your words of support Cath. I know what you mean about meeting people my problems stem way back before the PTSD and i am beginning to realise social anxiety is up there with my problems. People often misunderstand me as being uncooperate when deep down its all about fear. Professionals judge on what they see but it isn't always right they only see a tiny part of your life and wham they have you in there textbook diagnostic criteria - wham bam.

I guess we all go backwards it just seems i am stuck in reverse at the moment, i wish i had never let any professional back in and kept it with my GP. Minute i let other so called professionals in my mind goes even more in different directions. I am trying to get routine back into my life but i have no focus at the moment, no work to focus on. My days are full of boredom but at the same time i have no interest in anything or any zest. If i could re find a tiny bit of enjoyment maybe i would be more motivated.

My heads on overdrive today, i am beginning to realise i recognise why i feel the way i do at the moment because depression and PTSD go hand in hand. In the past however i have always had issues with depression, anxiety etc. I have always looked for a reason as to why i have felt that way when in reality i am realising that there has never really been a reason. I don't remember a time in my life when i have felt happy and as life goes on i feel more and more unhappy. SO even if i get over the PTSD i am still going to be plagued. This is an existance this is not living but i am to scared to let the P people as they never get the full picture and make there own judgement, most of which just impact on your life even more by creating labels.

Here i am at my age, my life nothng like i ever thought it would be. I always wanted a career, kids, my own little family etc etc and i don't see any of that happening anymore and it breaks my heart. I feel too broken i feel like everytime i get myself back up wham im right back down there again. I know its up to me to change things but most things i have longed for have left it too late, sometimes its just such a battle. Everyday is a battle, what kind of quality of life is that.

I am ok im just ranting away here, waffling on unsure of what i am putting but hey ho.

 

[CraftyCath]

but i have no focus at the moment, no work to focus on. My days are full of boredom

That sounds like me. :(

I've been so messed around by our Pyc team that I will NEVER trust them. They know very little about PTSD and seem to think that group therapy is a good idea! (All those other people triggering and a psychiatric nurse who has no idea waht is going on). My GP was amazing but he has left :(. The last one I saw treated me very badly making me re-live experiences and then saying he couldn't refer me to a private therapist even though he takes NHS. 3 months down the road and I'm still waiting so I know how :poop: they are.

I just didn't want to live the way I was/am. I couldn't live that way anymore. That's why I pay private.

I'm 47, unemployed with no future. But I'm just too stubborn to let this win!

I hope you get an 'up-day' soon Sazza, you deserve one. x

 

[Ajf7849d]

If it makes you feel any better Sazza, this cheers me up because I'm in the exact same mood right now. I'm not diagnosed, but I tend to find myself in the same situations as a lot of you guys (sans flashbacks, which is why I don't know what I have).

 

[Sazza]

Thanks cath and lolarama.

I have had crap day today something really upset me not ideal when I'm on edge as it is. Could do without having to go through this appointment that coming my way. I just don't know how much more I can take everything just feels too hard at the moment. I feel so low just want to lie down and give in.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Sazza))), I am so sorry, I'm just catching up with this.

Try and go back to basics. Baby steps, try not to look at everything as a whole but small parts. At my worst, even getting out of bed was good and if I managed a shower than whoo hoo that was a very good day.

Be kind to yourself, nurture yourself - you are worth it (Yes you are).

I feel so low just want to lie down

I deal with this type of thinking by saying. I am overwhelmed, I am going to lie down. Then I lie and do some grounding and breathing and possibly listen to my audiobook, a relaxation exercise or music. I tell meself this is fine because it is what I need and I deserve it.

Vent as you need to. And I have broad shoulders if you want to lean on me.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so rotten. I too know what that feels like all too well. Being betrayed and losing trust in those who technically should help us, in my opinion is particularly painful. Where are you supposed to go in an emergency? I just had a mental health worker joke with me last Thursday when I outlined two serious problems in the mental health systems which I had experienced.

i am beginning to realise social anxiety is up there with my problems.

I began to realize that a number of years ago, too. I didn't know how that connected for me. Relatively recently I came up with an hypothesis that those of us who experienced trauma caused by other humans are more likely to develop social anxiety. I don't know if I am right as I have not completed a literature review, let alone conducted a full research study. With this I mainly want to say that you are definitely not alone.

I think you have every right to take it easy on yourself for a while. If that means that you need to take a nap or hang out in bed for a while, then do that. Make sure you eat enough though, so that you can keep up your energy level.

Please keep us updated how you're doing...

 

[Sazza]

Thank you Kp your image made me cry in a good way. Thanks DGN for your comments and taking the time to reply.

I was allowing myself to lie down earlier today but to many obstacles got in the way. Today has been crap all round i just hope tomorrow is better. I am going to ring up for my test results tomorrow i don't want to. Any normal person would not want to ring as they would be worried something may be wrong with me its the opposite. I want something to show up - i don't expect this to make much sense but i am worried what may happen if i don't get the result i had been hoping for. Deep down i know its an act a hard act where i act like i don't care when really i do. Sometimes its so hard suffering mentally, sometimes i just want a break and it feels more viable. I know none this makes sense, its so so tiring.

I am beginning to realise all this started going wrong when i gave in and went off work sick, now i risk losing my job i am waiting to be sacked i know its coming and it makes me so damn angry that i will be jobless after what i went through at work. I need get a grip and stop feeling sorry for myself. Prospect of losing my job is making me want to go back now the choice has been taken out my hands people judging whats best for me, surely i should be the one to know what i am and am not capable of. My confidence is on the floor and if get sacked i don't see me ever getting back on the wagon as at my best i am wreck with interviews they would be impossible at moment, i really need to keep my job but its been too long.

Sorry if any this is repeated i don't know what said in previous posts, my head is shot in million different directions.

 

[KP the nut]

I am beginning to realise all this started going wrong when i gave in and went off work sick, now i risk losing my job i am waiting to be sacked i know its coming and it makes me so damn angry that i will be jobless after what i went through at work. I need get a grip and stop feeling sorry for myself. Prospect of losing my job is making me want to go back now the choice has been taken out my hands people judging whats best for me, surely i should be the one to know what i am and am not capable of. My confidence is on the floor and if get sacked i don't see me ever getting back on the wagon as at my best i am wreck with interviews they would be impossible at moment, i really need to keep my job but its been too long.

((((Sazza))), Ok I don't know exactly how you feel, but I have a good idea.

I forced myself back to work too soon after my accident. I was still in pain physically and I had not started to look at the mental side of things. PTSD hadn't raised its head, however over the months it did. Eventually I couldn't work. My GP signed me off sick. I worked for the Council and our dept. was being restructured. Despite having successful projects which I had developed and found funding for, I was made redundant. I am sure my sickness record played a major part. I did appeal the decision and the council extended my service by 2 months.

I was devastated, I was a shaking, wreck unable to barely function. However, once I'd left it was as if a huge weight had been lifted. I hadn't realised the pressure I was under. Financially I need to work full time. I have applied for full time but so far have been unsuccessful. The first I applied for, I was a bag of nerves. The second, my computer skills were not fast enough, due to nerves. I have found a job which I love but it is only 9 hours a week. It is building my confidence and self esteem.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that for me, losing my job gave me time to heal without that pressure of functioning in the workplace. It took away the worry over the amount of time I'd had sick. I did other things, not a lot at first but at my pace with no pressure.

There is life after being made redundant. They cannot sack you for being sick.

I've rambled enough.
Linking arms

 

[Sazza]

(((((((((Kp))))))))))))

I hear ya and as i was told by occupational health work isn't be and end all. However work has always been such a large part of my life and who i am, i have always been dedicated to it. My GP and i think i have this void being off work that can't be filled but recognise i need to be better before i can go back. The problem is i don't see myself getting better until i have work back in my life, the more time i have on my hands the worse i get as my mind works even more.

Occupational health are advising i am unfit for the foreseeable i hate that word, the problem is i have no real treatment in place and i think that will be used against me. People think i am not co-operating that is further from the truth i just don't trust easily. How can i trust professionals who don't even know me, i am very misunderstood people don't get the true picture with me because i am not good at talking about how i feel etc. I guess its a vicious circle, i want to get better course i do its no fun being like this but every time i try to trust, i come across someone who makes me doubt all over again. In day to day life i am a really private person and once again i think people think i am trying to hide things from them when i just find it hard to wear my heart on my sleeve. I never get full extent of things across i either end up downplaying things or shutting down. Think that more of a problem since my recent admission where i was threatened with section if i did not go in voluntary.

Thanks for sharing your experience, i can understand that you felt a weight lifted off your shoulders once you were made redundant but having had a place at uni taken away from me when i was so near to finishing distoryed me even more for a while and it took me ages to get back up. Guess i am saying having been in similar situation before that i don't want be there again as it crippled me and i just don't know if i will climb back out the other side if it happens this time with my job. If it does happen i don't see why i should go down without a fight after whats happened but i don't have energy or confidence to fight. I am beginning to think i should not talk when i do look what happens everything spirals, its like when things are locked away its ok to an extent until i start talking and wham it all gets out of control.

I am so glad that you are getting there and getting your confidence back, you deserve it all credit to you for working so hard.

Hugs, i best stop ramblng apologises if this is repetitive i have habit of repeating and forgetting amongst this mushed up head of mine.

Sazza

 

[KP the nut]

(((Sazza))) hang in there, you are not alone.