A Messed Up Me

[Roline]

Sazza, you are certainly not alone! It made me cry reading your posts, as it could be me you are talking about. I thought I was the only one that felt like this and had trouble trusting anyone.

I was in the NHS system for 18 months until they gave up on me. I got pretty good at fobbing them off and making them believe I was ok, but the truth was I was far from ok. I was very very scared! Anyway 6 months later I crashed and was threatened with being sectioned but in the end I went in voluntarly. I then transfered to the private sector, and they were amazing, but unfortunately the funding ran out after 7 weeks as an inpatient and 6 months as a day patient. They were supposed to transfer me back to the NHS but it didn't happen until last week when I crashed again:( I have now been told off 3 times by my private T. I cant afford to see her more regularly than once a week, but I need more than this. I am now back on the NHS list, but I'm frightened to tell the private T this incase she has another go at me. It always seems to happen, whenever i try and trust someone it all goes horribly wrong. I am having EMDR with the private T and I dont know if she is getting somewhere, but I felt so odd and free after the last session, that I didn't like that either! I guesss there's no pleasing me?!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I too dont know if I have the energy to carry on, but I guess we are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for (after all we have survived until now). Last week, the money that I would have paid the T I used to treat myself during the week. Everyday i made myself go out and treated myself in the hope that I would feel better. At the beginning of the week it was awful, but i slowly got better at it by the end of the week!

I hope you feel a little better today

Take care, and remember you ARE worth it x

 

[CraftyCath]

((((Sazza)))) ((((Roline))))

Ah the good old NHS, so easy to fool! :devilish: You know my story with the NHS Sazza, there is no easy answer with them but I get the feeling they do not get enough training and do not understand PTSD especially the Complex kind.

I will be thinking of you both often and adding your names to my mental list of people to remember.

There will be a letter written to David Cameron as he reforms the NHS because it is time they heard from us and not the so called experts. He claims to 'know what it is like' living through this recession but honestly, he has no idea.

Crafty Cath is on the war path! :devilish:

 

[Sazza]

(((((Roline )))) sorry you are suffering to, sending your strength. It comes to something when people have to go private because the NHS mental health services are alot to be desired, you often wait then don't need to by time your turn arrives ah.

Thanks Cath none of the powers that be have any idea do they, about time they were told.

I am sat here thinking of writing a letter to my gp as i just don't know how to continue like this. Just rang up for my test results which were apparantly normal i just don't understand how they can be after everything over last few weeks. It makes me feel like i am cracking up and its been a dream but i know its reality and its the truth. I am frustrated now that the result isn't what i wanted and that worries me and makes me feel i am imagining it but i am not. Just not sure where to go from here.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Sazza))), (((Roline))) and (((Cath)))

Yes, the dear old NHS. It is such a postcode lottery. I'm in Shropshire and as Sazza and Cath know, I struck NHS gold when I had my assessment. The T who did my assessment was well qualified in EMDR and in PTSD. He decided that EMDR would be good in my case.

The waiting list was only a few weeks and yes it was tough but I am a different person to the one I was 18 months ago.

There is always hope,
Linking arms
KP

 

[CraftyCath]

All my bloods came back negative and I saw my GP yesterday. They're all normal so I can stop taking the iron and continue with the calcium and repeat the bloods in 3 months. I'm frightened that the anemia will come back once I stop the iron.

Our are is terrible for Mental Health problems. I went to my GP over 3 months ago in crisis and still haven't seen my Psychiatrist. There is a 2 year waiting list to see the Clinical Psychologist. Drug addicts, alcoholics, BPD and Schizophrenics get seen first. They need help but so do we. There are not enough well trained staff and I haven't come across any trauma specialists at all. There isn't enough money to pay for more staff or for training. I don't know the answer but I'm still going to ask Mr Cameron what he is going to do about it. 6 weeks 'listening/CBT for CPTSD is ridiculous.

 

[Sazza]

I am on a CBT list but i am just not a believer in CBT, its not long term enough and i have just never really found it beneificial. I have CBT skills but lets face it half the time the evidence to support or thoughts and feelings are valid because of the trauma aspect of PTSD.

My bloods were total different thing but am glad yours are ok for now Cath may it continue. I am just trying letter to GP but not sure if its the right thing to do and its not really getting things across very well.

 

[CraftyCath]

I find EMDR and EFT works much better than CBT though I know others don't. CBT assumes that all anxieties begin with a though, a cognition. What if your trigger is a smell? A body memory? A place? And you are gone before you have a chance to 'think' at all? That's why I chose EMDR. it's not perfect and stirs up a lot of stuff but this is the first time in my life that I have felt like I am moving forward.

Let us know how the letter goes Sazza.

 

[Sazza]

Will keep you updated, struggling to find the words at the moment my head is so disjointed and on overdrive that getting anything out is hard work. Writing things to professionals makes me feel vulnerable like they may use it against you and i have think about wording things often by doing that i fail to get the point across cause i don't want send alarm bells off etc.

 

[Sazza]

Well have done my letter hard get things across as things so complex so tried keep it to priorities of now. Problems is though i am not sure if to hand it in, i feel uneasy about it and bit worried about what may or may not happen if i hand it in. Maybe i am worrying over nothing but have spoken bit more blunty than normal about certain recent actions etc which gp already knows about but feel vulnerable as to what to do over it. If give it in will freak out that shouldn't of done, if don't hand it in things continue as are. Just not sure what gp can do if don't trust mental health peeps, i have mentioned lack trust there in my letter. Actually feeling quite scared tonight about where things are at for me.

 

[CraftyCath]

Let us know what you decide Sazza. ((((HUGS TO YOU))))

 

[Sazza]

Letter has gone in Cath, not sure how i feel about about it very nervous to be honest. Last night though i lay in bed sobbing my eyes out because i felt so miserable because if i ain't suffering enough i am making myself suffer even more. Time will tell if its a wise move sending the letter just hope it goes to my GP and she isn't off so no other GP reads it. I wonder if right thing to do as i am really nervous now that have done it. Will keep you posted, don't know what i expect to happen now as in will i hear anything or not etc.