Relationship A Month Into The Affair...

[Becca84]

A month ago my PTSD/TBI husband left our house and has been having an affair.

He still comes home to visit me after work and the entire time his mistress is at work. He calls me daily, we meet for lunch daily-- I work on post at a non profit for combat veterans so its easy to meet. He says he doesn't know what he wants, but he needs time and he still loves me but he loves her too.

We have been married for 9 years. He has had a lot of medical problems in the last 6 months from his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Traumatic Brain Injury and nightmares from war. He went from going to Physician's Assistant School with the Army to having no real job in six months.

One morning he woke up from a night terror and the anxiety led to a seizure, he almost died without me there, and ever since then has been pushing me away. Our world has been turned upside down.

We have no children, only dogs. We just bought our first home six months ago as well. We are both 27 and are eachother's first, high school sweethearts.

I don't know what to do. At first I thought he was manic, that he was pushing me away because he wanted to kill himself, but then got distracted when someone gave him attention he wasn't getting from me and now he loves them. My husband has been faithful for 9 years, and now all of the sudden he is saying he has been unhappy for 4 years, and he tried to tell me, and that he feels the inability to have an emotional connection with anyone. He isn't saying anything about divorce-- he has started his medboarding process out of the Army and is even talking about extending his benefits to me. And talks about the future as if we are together.

We do have days that are hard, but we are constantly talking-- and me crying and being extra sensitive-- but trying to hash this out. We aren't saying we want to work on it or what, but we are talking about things, he comes to eat lunch with me during the week when he can, and even when he is upset he still contacts me and keeps me in his life.

His mistress thinks that he asked for a divorce and came back to her, but instead he asked me for some time, and sees me behind her back. I don't know what to do.
I feel like he has lost his mind, and if he ends up leaving me for her he will regret it for the rest of his life.

I also feel like my best friend is hurting more than he ever has, and I cannot turn my back on him during his time of need.

For now I am working on myself, finding what makes me happy again and falling in love with myself again, but in the meantime I hate being stuck in this limbo. He always tells me he loves me, and that he doesn't know if he will ever want me to leave. So its so confusing. I thought we had such a good marriage, and I stood by him during his darkest hours-- three deployments and now out of nowhere he decides to be unfaithful?

I want to blame the Army for taking his purpose away, for giving him too much time, to where he craved attention. I love him unconditionally, and I hate to see him in so much pain. When we get together we really enjoy each other's company, and are having good times, but he has only spent one night at home since this started.

I have not told his command because he is medboarding anyway, and I don't want them to take his pay away or cause him unneccesary grief when he is hurting so much, I cannot force the man to stay with me.

I don't know where this will go, but I am willing to wait, does that make me crazy?

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[Eleanor]

Wow, Becca. You are in a tough place. I have to say, the affair would be a deal breaker for me. That said though:We all have to do what seems best in our particular situations, and if your course of action seems best to you... then unless someone brings up some consideration that you haven't thought through than changes your mind... It's your call. Marriage has to be a two way street though - you've stood by him, is he up to standing by you? If not, its not a marriage, it's just a rescue. And make no mistake PTSD sufferers can and DO stand by their loved ones. PTSD doesn't make a person stupid or amoral (except in some transitory sense when they are fully "in it")

I am a little concerned about the "unconditional love" thing... IMHO - this is something best reserved for children - adult relationships have boundaries and demands and expectations - thus are not "unconditional". If this is not what you meant... sorry to misunderstand. It is possible to love someone AND hold them accountable for their actions. Married or not. It sounds like you might be willing to let him off the hook too much (because you want to blame the Army - it's not the Army's job to keep him on the straight and narrow - he is an adult, a grown man and that's most certainly his job.)

If you are ok waiting... wait. Your heart is your business - love and wait for whomever you want.

 

[sisu]

Not crazy - but maybe a little too forgiving. :O_o: I agree with Eleanor ~ an affair would be a deal breaker for me too. What is that saying...."Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." I know this is easier said than done when you have known this man for all of your adult life and love him so much. He has made a choice to turn outside of the marriage instead of turning towards you - his love and his best friend. This is not healthy for either of you. Just knowing that he is sharing a bed with another woman has to be eating you up inside.

You need to set some boundaries that are healthy for you! I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband - he had a girlfriend and couldn't make up his mind. I allowed him to go back and forth for about 9 months and it wreaked havoc on my mental health. I had anxiety, depression, lost weight, felt scared and hopeless...felt like a big loser because I kept thinking, "why aren't I good enough?". But in the end, it wasn't about ME - it was about HIM and his narcissistic needs. I finally told him "I'm done", and a weight lifted off of my shoulders instantly. Happiness returned. Please don’t allow your husband to pull you down into a black hole.

Please take care of yourself!! (((((Becca84)))))

~Sisu

 

[AngelaMarie]

Taking care of yourself means putting down boundaries and not being taken advantage of. Right now it seems like he has the best of both worlds. If he is lying to her why would you think he's not lying to you?! PTSD does not give somebody the right to act immoral or treat you badly.

If you put down your foot and don't let him contact you whenever he wants it will help him make a decision. I think you need to ask yourself though how hard it will be to trust him again? What is it that you want?

It's so hard to make these decisions. I've been through it. 14 years later I still have not got over the betrayal I was put through by my H. It hurts to the core. I really feel for you. Especially being so young.

Whatever decision you make I wish you the very best. I wish you strength to take care of yourself and do what is right for you!! The best of luck!!

 

[wife of]

Wow I have to say that whilst for me I can say that an affair would not have to be a deal breaker,him taking advantage of me in such a way would be.

He is quite honestly having his cake and eating it!

I figure you are waiting for him to see sense and return home? How is he going to know he misses being with you if he sees you all the time?

 

[amethist]

This may sound harsh to some, so I am sorry if it does.

But if my husband had an affair, that would be the end of us, no going back, no apologies nothing.

I know what it is like for a husband to do that without PTSD, hence my first divorce. He was one who was a real charmer, so after the 3rd affair that I knew about, out he went, end of marriage.

Why should PTSD be the reason to allow this, and then go on as if it was all part of the symptoms. If you would not except it without PTSD, why except it with it.

 

[Srain]

I'm sorry you are going through so much, it must be extremely painful for you to have found out that your loved one betrayed you so ruthlessly.

My thought is that he is being so extremely selfish and careless of your feelings and your health. In this day and age my first inclination would be to hit the doctor's office and get tested asap! What do you know about this person he is having sex with and who else she has been sleeping with? My ex did this to me and before my heart hurt my head said he put my life on the line because I knew he would not wear a condom. So not only did he put our marriage on the line he put my health on the line. How selfish is that?

It is your decision, you are a grown woman but as AngelaMarie pointed out he is lying to her, why? That's not PTSD that is being careless and selfish. I'm sorry this sounds rude but he's old enough to know better. He chose to do this to himself, you, and apparently her.

I hope you are able to take care of yourself and get support, you are more than worth it.
Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Becca84]

Thanks everyone for all of the helpful words and support. Trust me, I always felt like an affair was a deal breaker for me too, and in the end it may be, I'm still sorting through how I feel. For now, I do go to a counselor to talk things out and he is seeing two Army doctors as well to talk about his problems. He invited me to go to his next doctor's appointment to tell them about his PTSD (I don't think he means this affair stuff, but more so his night terrors and other things). I am taking care of myself-- reading a lot of books, going to school online to finish my degree and throwing myself into my work. Trust me, there have been times when I ask him not to come around and to leave me alone, but he keeps saying that he pays for this house too and that in Texas its a community property state- so I just have to leave when he does come over. For now, I can't say that I am ready to walk away and turn my back on our marriage- but maybe one day that will change. I appreciate your writing back to my crazy life ordeal.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I think the idea of leaving the house is absolutely perfect! Will he come around if you are not there? Nope, don't think so. Keep your focus on enriching your life. Stay away from him as much as possible for your well being that way you don't have to make a decision about ending it right now but you have made the decision to not take his crap. Know what I mean? Keep us informed so we can support!!!

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Becca - what a nightmare situation.

I am sitting here thinking what a cushy position he is in, two women, two houses and all the controll/power. What a trip! Nice if you can find a wife to let you get away with it, lucky man.

Breaking the bonds of trust that in a marriage is a huge betrayal and I know I could not live with someone so deceptive.

I hope you find the strength to do what best for you, it sounds as if he has got it very well organised for his needs so no worries there.

Courage and confidence! x

 

[ronnalee]

Becca, what the others have said here makes sense. Distance would be good for you.

Clarity to your situation would be gained. Talk to your counselor.

Continue to care for yourself. I care for my sufferer from a distance now.

 

[bethinhfx]

Personally, I don't think an affair is a deal breaker- we are dealing with broken people-- me included. I have had a very muddled romantic life and who knows why he has had an affair. At the same time you need to take care of your heart. It sounds like its breaking.

I was a complete zombie- ' comfortably numb' when I was in a relationship in my younger years. I had a boyfriend who treated me like a princess and I broke up with him and cheated on him; completely incapable of being an adult. I ended the relationship and had to grow up.

I am 44 now and I know, at this age, I could be faithful and I could commit. Prior to this I could not. It wasn't in me and I was too wounded anyway. I am sorry that you are going through this. Love is painful sometimes. God bless.