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- #13
sidptitala
Gold Member
i have a pretty clear sense of how old i was in all the memories that return to me. i was a toddler in the ones that might be about rape- but i am older in one of the others and in the older one i don't remember what happened after a certain point. i was calling out to my neighbours (other children) from my parents bedroom window. i was calling hi to them and saying, 'i'm up here!' and inside i felt panicked about being alone with my dad in my parents bedroom with the door closed and wanted one of them to come to rescue me. i wanted to scream and cry and ask for help but i was too scared too. i think i remember the door closing and thinking that whatever i did i should try everything i could to stay off the bed, i felt a sense of dread even looking at it (it was made up well in my mothers style). i was young enough at this time to have to stand on the radiator to see out the window (but old enough to be moving around the neighbourhood with friends- this is what really disturbs me because it potentially means this went on for a long time). and i remember being dragged off the radiator and him angrily telling me to get away from the window. until i wrote this my memory ended there, but maybe now i remember that he pulled the curtains across the window? (ugh). i have no idea what happened after this point. the powerful sense of this came back to me in the situation with the priest where he came in when i was in bed. i felt the strong urge to get out of the bed and that the closed door was an ominous sign (and the sunshine outside blocked by curtains, but billowing from the open windows, that was the same too). that situation really seems to have triggered this memory to come back.
this memory suggests i was older and that the type of dread i felt meant whatever i dreaded was a repeated occurrence and one i knew the warning signs of (ugh). and that it went on for long enough that he had bought my secrecy or resignation in some way? because i am definitely old enough to speak here. i must have been so sure no one would listen.
this memory suggests i was older and that the type of dread i felt meant whatever i dreaded was a repeated occurrence and one i knew the warning signs of (ugh). and that it went on for long enough that he had bought my secrecy or resignation in some way? because i am definitely old enough to speak here. i must have been so sure no one would listen.